EE & SY

        Looking back on my life, it hasn't been rough at all. I had an emotionally unfulfilling childhood and constant family conflict, but there is so much worse that could have been. I've been getting to know a girl named EE. She is a fantastic swimmer and is smart and has a job and she never sleeps, and by that I mean probably gets around 2-3 hours of sleep every night. In addition to that, she has a terrible mother who kicks her out of the house fairly often, yells at her every day, favors her sister who is not nearly as smart, and makes her pay for her own food and gas and whatever else she needs. I thought I had it bad.
        I only met EE this year and she is really funny and oddly enough she is kind of obsessed with me. She thinks that I am the most perfect person alive, and I feel strange about that. Suddenly this year I am pretty well liked in all of my classes I think, and that's never happened to me before. I was always the quiet scary one or the really annoying one, and with good reason. I don't know why EE likes me so much and I'm not sure that I deserve it at all. She has so much going on in her life, and I don't want her to think that I'm better than her in any way at all. I could never deal with all she has been through, and it makes me sad that since she had a rough year time in school at one point due to other circumstances, her chances at UChicago (also her dream school,) are greatly diminished. She deserves so much more, and I don't know why so much hardship has befallen her. Her mother makes mine look loving and tender. Most people never recognize all that she does and has to push through and that's just so unfortunate. She is so stressed all the time and I just want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, and that she doesn't deserve any of this.
        Actually, very much the same goes for another friend, SY. She's had three concussions very recently, and if you know anything about head trauma you know that that's terrible news. It's definitely going to cause serious long term problems, even if she gets better in the short term. She had to give up cheerleading, which she loves, and she is so behind in school since she hasn't been able to be there so much. And when she's at home, it's not like she can catch up. I have six classes with her, so it's very apparent to me when she isn't there for a day. When she is there, much of the time her head is hurting and EE and I help a little by squeezing her head for her during class. Everything is discouraging, and she doesn't know how to cope.
        Except, she has found coping mechanisms. I don't know if this is a recent trend but she buys random stuff like crazy. It's all really nice clothes but it is so much money for items she will wear about twice. She has tons of clothes that she already has never worn before and I think it's getting a bit excessive. In addition, she's starving herself. It can't be good for her brain that's trying to heal, not to mention the usual consequences. She is already so thin and I always really liked her body. Her mom isn't being helpful either. SY ended up not applying to her favorite college because she was so afraid of rejection and her mother was so discouraging. On the other hand, her behavior is kind of outrageous. The constant shopping and social networking and starvation are keeping her from catching up. At the same time though, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same if I were her. She is taking the toughest classes in school, and is terribly behind in them. I don't think I could handle it. It's made me realize that beauty and smarts and prestige are nothing. What you really need are stable emotions and a sound mind. Everything else you can make do with.
        My friends go through so much and I just feel so powerless. Literally none of this is through any fault of their own, and they have to suffer. I guess that's just life, but it's just so horrible. I hope so much that later in life they are happy and they get everything they have ever needed and hoped for. Right now that's just not possible because of some stupid circumstances. It all seems like the end of the world to them now, and I've been there before, but I think that just means that things can improve from there. I want everyone and everything to turn out okay.
     

mental illnesses rant

        Talking with D reminds me that there is another type of totally unempathetic human being. Ah, now I remember why I couldn't stand him and sometimes still can't. Many times I forget that those people even exist. Their unilateral thought processes don't make any sense to me at all. Mental illness is as real a disease as any other. You wouldn't blame someone for having cancer, why would you blame someone for having a mental disorder? This is a very common misconception amongst people, and it really worries me.
        Many mental illnesses, from anorexia to depression to schizophrenia are based on compulsive thoughts or behaviors. Can people with compulsive thoughts and feelings just stop? By definition, if they could just stop, then their symptoms wouldn't be called compulsive. D insists that depression and such are not diseases, but just emotions. The dictionary definition of a "disease" is pretty much any abnormality that causes harm. Beyond that, indexes such as the DSM-IV define specific diseases. When one seeks treatment, the doctor does not simply talk to you for a bit and say, "well it seems like you have such and such disease." There is a checklist and a process for diagnosis. This is not a matter of opinion, there are set definitions.
       Disorders are not a matter of choice. Does it make sense that, given the choice, a person would say, "oh I want to be alcoholic and have OCD"? At the basis of these disorders, it becomes substance above all else. It is a relief of the compulsive thought through compulsive behaviors over all else. Why is it that people think that the brain is invincible and cannot succumb to any diseases, while the rest of our body can? The brain is a complex, fascinating, and phenomenal organ. With its complexity, there are any number of ways that the wirings and neurotransmitters and processes can malfunction. Why downplay its complexity by writing things off as choice or a simple mood, when there is so much more? When we question our world and ourselves, we can truly learn more.
        As for D, his empathetic failure is a complete turn off. It does not make him seem manly, only ignorant and close-minded. It is his greatest flaw, and it clashes with one of my greatest passions. I can only hope that he takes his college psychology class to heart. I really need to think about things.
-T.

get used to it.

        I'm. Really. Not. Going. To. Prom. I don't know, I guess I always believed that someone would ask me. I mean, I'm bubbly on the surface, and I'm not ugly. It just has to settle in this time that I'm not going to get what I want. I still actually don't quite believe it now.
        I really have been much spoiled by luck. Sometimes I forget and I mistakenly attribute my achievements to hard work and aptitude. I've been too successful. I don't deserve what I have. I guess that's why D left me anyway. I took him for granted, and I forgot that he didn't really know me yet. I thought he loved me, but that could not have been further from the truth. Sometimes I think that my SAT and ACT scores mean I'm smart, and okay, I'm smart, but a large portion of it was luck. I am always wondering when my luck will run out. Occasionally I'll think, yeah, I'll pull through. I'll make it, I always have. Always have doesn't mean always will.
        I'm not sure if I want to find out the results of my four-day calculus exam. D got an A before the curve, but my results haven't come out yet. He went around and bragged about it to everyone right away, and did his stupid ugly little victory dance. In fact, I'm sure that that's the sole reason he talked to me today, so he could smear it in my face. Funny how some people automatically attribute successes to their own worth and aptitude, while blaming failures on teachers, on situations, on other people, on emotions, even on plain laziness. Self-serving bias FTW.
        I'm being oddly calm for being in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I guess writing it helps me, but that's why I do it, obviously. I need to get used to the idea that I can, and will fail at some point in my life. Of course, those are my issues talking. How can I know when I'm being realistic, rather than pessimistic? I feel like optimism is highly unrealistic and frankly, very naive.
I need to stop time. I need to get back to work.
-T.

 EDIT: BD didn't actually get an A. He lied. What a loser.

why i'm doomed:

        The key to happiness is having a positive outlook on life, and to see adversity as challenges, not threats. Happy people are hopeful for the future. Easy enough, now change.

        Not so fast. The odds for American success are outstandingly in my favor. I'm going to get into a top university, I'm smart, I'm going to make lots of money. Yet, how can I be hopeful when all the odds for happiness are against me? As I have mentioned previously, my parents parented in the authoritarian style, so I'm going to be successful, but depressed. My parents argued often and my childhood was seriously annoying. Studies show that I will probably end up just like my parents, especially my mother. I can already see it in the way I treat my sister, and the way I treated BD. Fuck me.

        My parents were always hard on me, and if I did well on something, they never congratulated me. I was only reprimanded for what I did wrong, or what I was going to do wrong in the future. As psychology predicted, I am repeating this behavior now even without my parents' help. You will parent yourself as you once were parented.

        Since I always pretty much had some kind of trivial family drama, I was always used to having a lot of annoying drama in my life. Now I subconsciously search for that in all of my relationships. If something I have is healthy and stable, it feels wrong. I have to do something to mess it up. Most of the time I won't realize I'm doing it. Most of the time it just feels right to be making all these confrontations with people. Occasionally I realize what I'm doing. I do it anyway. A relationship doesn't feel normal to me unless I'm on the verge of despair about it. 

        Knowing a  lot about psychology should help me, but it doesn't. I know everything about my own condition. I've analyzed myself through and through. Unfortunately, it doesn't change anything.

-T.

to not feel.

       I feel like a terrible person. Everyone is trying to make me happy. Those who have given up on me just don't know what to do anymore because I'm so far gone. I'm going to try to remove myself from those people, so that they don't have to look at me and feel simultaneous intense pity and extreme annoyance. I'm taking so much out on XK. It's not her fault, and I feel horrible. I just don't understand why. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, as D likes another girl now. Clearly I never meant anything to him, and he was just itching to get on with his life. I'm disgusted with myself. My actions and words and thoughts sicken me. My mother is really frustrated. She wants to make me happy too, but she doesn't know how. She's been saying how she's going to buy me all this stuff I wanted. She doesn't know what to do. I don't blame her though, I'm just such useless complete shit. I burden everyone who talks to me or looks at me. I despise myself for infecting everybody with sadness.

       I took a nap today, a really really long nap. In fact I just woke up to eat and take a shower, and I think I'm going to go back to sleep. Sleep is my only escape. Sometimes my dreams are painful, but I don't realize it until I'm awake. It feels so good to not feel anything at all. To be numb is such an improvement to being in emotional limbo every moment. I feel like absolute shit 24/7. I miss sleep. How blissful to sleep forever.

-T.

sorry..

        I'm sorry to everyone who has to look at my pained face every day. I feel so listless. Those who haven't noticed are those who I have not allowed to know. I am sorry for being insincere. I cannot let everyone see me, lest I lose more people. I see that there is beauty and joy around me. I see that it is supposed to be there, anyhow. I want to feel it as those around me do. What will it take to make me happy? I am so ungrateful. My friends want to help, but I force them away. I want them to help, but I don't deserve it because I just can't be helped. I just sit there deadly. I'm glad that they have gone to ignoring me now. It's better than when they feel the need to sit there and pity me and comfort me to no avail. Still, they probably think I'm just being quiet and not saying anything for attention. I just don't find joy in people or anything I do anymore. 
        I hate feeling sorry for myself. I just took an online quiz, and according to that I have some symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, but not enough for a full diagnosis. I also have several symptoms of other disorders, but not enough for anything concrete. Who doesn't have random symptoms? I'm just like everyone else. I'm just stuck feeling sorry for myself when I really don't deserve it.

        I'm sorry to my parents, who think I'm better now. They say, now you have 35, you play badminton, you are everything. You're not depressed anymore, right? What am I supposed to say to that? Yes, magically since everything external seems to be right, then that makes me right internally. Shouldn't it though? I need to stop being an ungrateful little bitch and just get with it. 

-T. 

I have everything.

        I feel so cold and empty all the time. I don't understand why. I have everything that I had ever dreamed that I could have at this point in my life. I appreciate it, but stupidly it seems sort of useless to me at the moment. All I want to do is cry in D's arms as he tells me he will never love me again while holding me.

        I am making such a fool of myself. Tomorrow it will be exactly one month since the day we broke up. It feels like we only split two days ago. I am losing sense of time. When I fall asleep I wonder about him. The moment I wake up he is there again. I am only floating through life. I am afraid to tell some people. When I do they make that awww sound, and that pity face. It makes boiling tears flood my eyes. I tried cutting. It worked while I was doing it, but right after I felt the same as before. It usually never fails. Does this mean my cure is to cut myself indefinitely? If it was, I would do it. Anything to stop this dull, searing, incessant pain.

        I want to go crazy. I am going crazy. I want to get drunk and have hate sex with a seductive stranger. 

        Everyone tries to help. I don't know how they could though. They can give me all the advice in the world. The moment I turn away I am back on to thinking about him. I push everyone away. I can't talk about this. Apparently the more you think about something, the stronger those particular neuron connections become, and the more automatically they are used. Fuck me. 

-T.

sustenance.

Here is a post that really is long over due.

        I don't have best friends, but if I had to choose one, I know who I would pick. She is the only person who just seems to understand me and my obnoxious train of thought. We find consolation in each other that we are not alone. She is gorgeous and she is one of the only people I know who legitimately loves to help people and to learn. She is so smart and pretty much famous. I can't say here what she is famous for, or even her initials, lest they betray her identity, so I will just refer to her as JD, for Jane Doe. In a way, her reputation has caused her a lot of pressure. She has too much impossibility to live up to.

        About two months ago, JD went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with recurring clinical depression. Peculiar that the only person who I can truly empathize with is one who is clinically depressed. She got prescribed an antidepressant. She had bad side effects with it, so now she is on another medication that is really working better her. Her depression has really faded. I am so happy for her, and it gives me hope for myself.

        However, just as JD's depression faded, another recurring affliction of hers returned, and worse than ever. Anorexia nervosa has taken over her life. She eats about 100 calories a day. All her thoughts are of food, how she is going to avoid it, how she can hide her diminishing body from her mother, how she feels her heart palpitating and she is on the verge of blacking out any moment. None of JD's other friends understand. They either yell at her about it, threaten to tell authority figures, or avoid her altogether. They take it personally, thinking that how many calories she eats equates how much she cares about them. They don't understand that anorexia is an addiction. In an addiction, life becomes substance above all else. 

        I have so much guilt. I try to help her. I know that I am all she has. She can't even tell her psychiatrist because she will be considered a danger to herself, so her parents will know. The worst is that she knows how much it is harming her. She knows she was happier +17 pounds ago. She knows that even when she gets to her thin goal she will not be happy. It's nearly impossible to hang out with JD anymore because she cannot be around food so she would rather avoid everything altogether. She sees how this is killing her. As she tells me, anorexia is JD's best friend.

        All we can talk about now is her addiction. Her beautiful spirit is sunken.
        I need to help her call it back. 
-T.

weeze.

I wonder if I'm always going to feel this way. I want to see a psychiatrist so badly. They can pop me some pills that will fix me... but my dad knows I only want to go to a psychiatrist for pills. He says I can go to counseling or psychologist... no psychiatrist. He's afraid of the side effects. Happiness really is the most important thing anyone can have. This is the first year of my life when I have actually realized that. It doesn't matter what you look like or how much money you have. I just want to be happy. I want pills because I really think there is something chemically wrong with me. I want to be fixed. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

-T.

don't motivate me.

Honestly, this is the type of poster I hate. It reminds me of all the people who tell me to just be happy, as if it is so easy. They say to just stop over-thinking everything.Tell me how?? How do I stop thinking? If I try to, then I end up thinking about thinking! Seriously, I know this was supposed to help me, it was supposed to inspire me. It makes me feel like I'm retarded (excuse my language) for not being just normal and just turning it all off. People who are happy just tend to take it all for granted. 

Really, I would give half all of my smarts to be happy. I want to pop some Vicodin, maybe some Xanex. I don't know, I don't care. I just want to be normal. 
-T.