stake & sheak

        It's a four-day weekend and I have too much time on my hands but I like that sort of. I had a sleepover with the physics clique, and this one was strange. I talked to DC about it and she felt the same way. It's hard to describe, and I don't want to write anything here that's made up in my head lest it bring up things that don't exist. I've been feeling uncomfortable with they physics clique. Individually I like everyone just fine, but something about everyone being in the group makes me panic even more than individual friends. There are so many more possibilities for things to go wrong, so much ridiculous animosity and jealousy that can happen. I'm the most jealous of SY. She's so beautiful and gets to buy whatever she wants and has the best personality. All the boys in the world have a crush on her. She has the nicest boobs because they are the right size and not obnoxiously in your face ever. I wish I had her personality and her body and her life. And now she and RS have something that's bad but EE's right, I do kind of wish I had it too even though I know how bad it is. As a result of my jealousy I think I was mean to SY. And I hate myself for that. I did the same thing to XK last year. I'm the worst. Jealousy actually makes no sense and why would I ever feel it? Anyway, a lot of things reminded me of how much I am afraid of friends. I don't want to depend on anyone and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I am unconsciously pulling away and trying to break us up, except it's not unconscious because I know I'm doing it and that's okay with me.
        Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
        While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
        After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.

-T.

2/15/12

I'm too stupid to even think of a title for this post so it's just the date.
I'm insensitive, more insensitive than D, and I say mean things without thinking about any of it and then regret it so much later.
I'm trying to accept the fact that I am simply too dim to ever comprehend DC.
I need to cut my hair sometime soon it has zero style as of now but I'm too lazy.
I don't run anymore because I spend too much time crying for no reason or otherwise wasting life.
I've taken to popping random pills I find around the house several times a day just for the placebo affect.
I annoy everyone in all my classes.
My favorite student in my geometry class is mad at me and refuses to ask me questions even though I know he has them and stopped caring and so he is going to fall behind. I shouldn't have favorites anyway I'm the worst TA.
I mooch off of all my friends and can't pay them back.
I never start my homework until 8PM and then I complain about lack of sleep.
I'm the fattest and the ugliest in the physics clique.
I'm the worst in the world at linear algebra and I've stopped trying to understand what's going on in class.
I force everyone around me to put up with my stupid sad face even though they actually can't do anything about it. Somehow the only person who knows how to actually cheer me up is LE.
I can't help anyone in return for everything they've helped me with.
I cry for literally zero reasons so often and my asinine emotions are a real problem.
Have I ever mentioned that I'm the most pathetic person on the planet?
People should stop comforting and talking to me because it is only going to encourage my pathetic behavior. 

-T.

valentine's day

        I was really expecting today to be kind of bad, but I also realized that it couldn't have gotten much worse than yesterday, so I remained hopeful. In the morning I tried out a pretty new makeup item that I have been coveting, and so that was nice. I wore a purple velvet shirt and my favorite shoes (extremely expensive ones that D bought, let's not forget how doting he was on me.) Before school I was tutoring and a girl that I tutor came in and gave me a Valentine as a thank you for helping her so often. That was so sweet. In physics we got our tests back, and I got a good grade so I was happy about that. We didn't do much during class so we just got to mingle again. In geometry the teacher came back and she said that she forgot to specify which parts of the chapter I was supposed to fill them in on, so the class was actually ahead rather than dreadfully lost and behind as I had feared. Then I went to English, and we finally had a real discussion that wasn't, "analyze this poem." It was engaging and reminded me of why I picked to be in the English class for yet another semester. I could tell that my teacher was glad I was talking again. The only bad part was that DC was very obviously not talking on purpose because she didn't want me to feel intimidated. At the very end of class she finally spoke up, and it was a very developed and advanced idea and everyone was kind of quiet because it was so deep and nobody had even thought that far at all. She worried for the rest of the day that everyone hated her and she spoke stupidly when in actuality she was fine and her contribution was genius. Spanish was easy and then tutoring again seventh hour was fine and I got to finish all my homework. I'm glad I saw no sign of singing valentines, as I was hidden away in the tutoring center. Finally, in Econ I gave a short casual presentation. I was really incoherent but it doesn't matter so that was fine. In the middle of the period I got a note from my counselor wishing me a happy Valentine's Day, and that she loved my paintings (she was presumably working on typing up the fake recommendation I wrote myself for the Presidential Scholars Program.)
       By far the best part was when after school LE picked me up. I gave him a little Valentine that I had lying around (the kind that elementary schoolers give to their classmates) and a little tube of my prescription acne cream lol. I hung out at his house for a few hours. We have the best conversations and I learn so much and I laugh so much. He has a wall in his kitchen where people in his family and his friends have marked their heights and labeled them with the names of basketball players, and I was Jeremy Lin. We played with his guitars and his cat and did funny random stuff like look for a hat to put the cat in. We watched TV and the weather man was just HILARIOUS I just could not stop laughing. He showed me a lot of the video game notes that he took when he was a kid and usually hides away when girls come over, but I made him show me. He gets really into geeky things, but he also knows what's important and never takes himself too seriously. We went out for dinner and got seated in the middle of everyone. They must have thought we were drunk, we were laughing so much. We had the best conversations and talked about politics and the Ottoman Empire and the concept of the Uncanny Valley. It wasn't a real date, and it wasn't a pity date either as we had this Valentine's day outing planned for at least a week. It was seriously the best Valentine's day ever, even though it's my least favorite holiday. I'm so appreciative that it turned out this way because yesterday was awful I needed so much for today to be okay. I spent a lot of money on dinner (oops) but the fried pickles appetizer and the delicious burger and the hilarious time with LE was totally worth it. I don't make very many happy posts because I don't usually feel the need to "vent" about them but today was just so good. It was so good that I'm not showering before school tomorrow because I don't want to wash this day away, and I never skip showers. I am feeling a little guilty because it seems like D's day wasn't nearly as good as mine, but oh well. Hopefully his wasn't miserable.

-T.

i'm a crybaby.

         I couldn't fall asleep until very late last night. Then D woke me up with a text saying that he missed me. It killed me. It took me a long while to fall asleep again. I wore all non-waterproof makeup to school today so that I wouldn't cry in front of everyone. That was one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made. First and second hour my physics teacher wasn't there so I was disappointed but we didn't do anything so the first two hours were fine. DC had wanted to ask me about some of my deeper beliefs, for lack of a better term, but then said she couldn't ask me because my current state of mind would alter the answer. I made her ask anyway, and she asked whether or not I thought love exists or not, since it's not chemical and therefore must be tied to something higher like perhaps a deity or something. I said I think it exists, but that it's all chemical reactions. She seemed delighted and agreed with me. I like to think that I can be rational even when I'm emotionally fragile. Third hour we got our math tests from two weeks ago back. I did awful, worse than I thought I did, and the worst I've ever done in that class. I ended up crying quietly at my desk. I think my math teacher saw, and then SY felt bad because she thought it was something she said when actually I don't even remember what she said. Everyone probably thought I was only crying over a stupid math test, but that's fine they can think whatever they want.
        I sucked it up enough to go to my fourth hour class, which is assistant teaching for Geometry. The teacher randomly just wasn't there, maybe she went home sick or something. That was fine, I had prepared to teach that class anyway. The substitute came and she was the Math Department Head and I liked her so I thought it would be okay. It turns out my teacher left like none of the materials that the students needed to follow along with what I was supposed to be teaching, and just two worksheets on things they hadn't learned yet. It was literally the first day of the unit, and I tried to teach it the best I could. But the worksheets spanned like the whole chapter and it was just so overwhelming and the department head was totally disappointed at how inept I was at everything. We weren't even supposed to get to word problems today and one whole worksheet was word problems. They have never even seen word problems and I felt so bad just making them try to do it. In addition, all the while when I was teaching the students would not shut up and listen to me and they were swearing and being so obnoxious and I know that they honestly can't help it but the department head was so appalled at their behavior. It honestly wasn't even one of the days when they're super misbehaving, but she had just never seen such an unruly class. Then at the end I decided to talk to her about it and then I was like wait oops I forgot to tell them to go to their assigned seats and that they're not allowed to eat in class and then she was like......okay just make sure that doesn't happen again. Wow I'm literally the worst teaching assistant I hate myself. She told me not to feel bad but that's the polite thing to say. I did everything wrong.
        I went as fast as I could to English and I was already late, and I still asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. I stayed there for about twenty minutes and cried my eyes out. When I calmed down a little and was putting my makeup back on, DC came in to check on me and that was nice. I knew she would. DC started a game of word assassin with me when we got back to class, and that was just what I needed to get my mind off of things. We obviously didn't pay any attention in class, and I could tell that that my English teacher who has always loved me was starting to get annoyed. I was feeling a lot better, but then at the end of class my English teacher asked what was going on with me lately, why wasn't I very in tune. I told him I was having a bad day, but he said that it wasn't just today, it had been for a while now. I managed to mutter that something had been kind of going on and that I was sorry before turning around and literally running away so that I could leave the room before the tears got to my eyes. He could totally tell that I was about to cry and I felt awful. He didn't even say anything remotely mean and I just reacted so stupidly.
        I bawled all through the hallway with DC and EE next to me and that was so embarrassing. By the time I got to my Spanish class I was really not done but it didn't matter I had to go to class. Language classes are always full of randos, and the desks are set up so that everyone gets to face each other. It was so obvious how miserable I was, and when my eyes get teary my nose gets super snotty so I was really gross at the same time and I used all of SY's tissues. My Spanish teacher reacted the best though, she was like "T, estas enferma?" (T, are you sick?) and I was like O YA TOTALLY. It was the perfect way of acknowledging my weird behavior but also giving me an excuse. She's the best. I'm just glad I didn't fail in the review game we played because that just would have made everything worse. Like I said earlier, I like to think that I can still be perfectly rational even when emotionally fragile. I think I did pretty well on the quiz we took too.
        Seventh hour I had open, and that went fine. I helped a few people with math, and then the next hour I went to Econ. We went over our tests, and mine was not as bad as I had feared, of course in large part because I got to "collaborate" with DC. When we were doing the peer grading, this guy from my Spanish class whom I talk to occasionally was passing out the grading guide, and gave me a decorated one with a smiley face on it, and said he saved it for me and wanted me to be happy. That was so so so nice that I almost cried all over again. On the bus ride home though, I still ended up crying a little for much of the ride. I didn't even sleep, and that's usually a consistent nap time for me. After school though I had plans but they are so secret that I can't write them here. But it's not anything bad about me, and it's not with a random boy or anything so not to worry. I just promised this person I wouldn't tell anyone, since it would insinuate other things. We had fun and I bought makeup and I was glad I could be there with her.
        I got home and emailed my Geometry teacher asking if I should prepare something for tomorrow and if she was going to be there. I also emailed my English teacher, telling him that there were some things I was working through but not to worry about me, and also I participate less in discussions this semester because there are many more smart people with better ideas with me. DC especially, and since she sits next to me I can tell that every profound thought I have had she has already thought about tenfold and better, so I have very little to contribute to discussions. I informed him that she is the smartest person I know and not to hold the fact that she was trying to make me feel better against her.
        It's been a weird shaky day and I still am pretty unstable. I'm going to try to work hard tonight and I hope that tomorrow will be better. It was just like last year that day that my badminton partner served a birdie into my face and then I just bawled for an hour even though it didn't hurt at all. I felt bad for making my team and now everyone else at my school wonder about me and feel awkward. I've found that it's easiest to not break down when no one knows what's going on and everyone just ignores you and acts normally. Otherwise it brings everything bubbling to the surface and my emotions are kind of uncontrollable sometimes. Just the stupidest little occurrences can really jostle you when there's something in the back of your mind.
-T.

P.S. Oh good tomorrow is Valentine's Day why am I the best at timing.

that was sudden. and also deja vu.

         D brought up that he hates that my friends don't like him, and that "maybe this isn't going to work." That made my heart stop. I responded by agreeing and then listing out everything else that was wrong with our relationship and almost all of our fundamental differences. We don't agree on accepting others, feminism (or at least not being degrading), the greatness of thoughts even if they are impractical, drinking, and maybe other things that I can't think of right now. I brought up all of this and then he was like wait but I don't actually want to break up and then we talked on the phone and it was awful. He started to act so passive and that never happens. He left it up to me which made everything so much harder. I made my decision.
         I told him that I feel like I have to hide parts of myself when I talk to him. I have to suppress excess thoughts because he won't want to hear them. Maybe I was wrong to suppress them. Maybe I should have talked about it with them. Once I did share some mild ones on a pizza date and it was the best date ever. We had the best conversation. But then again there really is something wrong if we rarely have deep conversations, the ones that I love so much. But maybe that was my fault. I don't know. I had been thinking about how we weren't right for each other for quite some time. I know that we aren't. We just don't see the world in the same way at all. I knew this was coming and that I had to do it. He brought up an opportunity to do it, and I took it. There was no going back. I just had no idea it would be so soon. But I guess you never do have any idea.
         There was some confusion about our status. I told him we were taking a break. What does a break mean? I hate that word, but I'm confused too. Are we allowed to see other people? I'm allowing it. He's in college for cryinoutloud. But I know he won't. I don't think I'm going to either. The last time we broke up was February 6, 2011. A year and six days later, it's happening again. Is this going to be the last time? I don't know. If I end up going to U of I, maybe it won't be. If I don't, it probably will be the last. That's crazy. It's weird to not be with him. It's weird to not identify myself with him. It's weird to be single. It was weird to just type that. I can't tell him that I love him anymore, even though I do. Are we just going to stop talking? I really hope not. That would be unbearable. I absolutely hated having to do it and I worry about him a lot. I've made sure he will have someone to talk to for all of tonight. For once I won't be able to do it, even though I'd be more than willing to. Clearly that's just not possible right now. I want to be friends, and he can call me if he ever needs to talk about anything. Once we're over each other I guess. It's going to take a long time again. I cried, but I still feel like it hasn't hit me yet. I'm sad, but I know I made the right decision. For the both of us.
        The worst thing ever was hanging up. I wouldn't hang up and neither would he, but I knew it had to be me. The word goodbye had never been so painful. It was goodbye and the phone call that would mark the end of us, and it was just so hard to end that. Maybe the distance was getting to me, but it also brought out how little we are without our physical closeness. Him just being around made me feel wonderful, and without that everything bad about our relationship just became so apparent. Our ending was inevitable, but he'll have a piece of my heart forever. That's always been the case. I'll never put him out of my mind.
This is one of those times when words can never be enough.
-T.

hb

        I turned 17 today. I used to really like birthdays, but this year I keep feeling uncomfortable and realizing that it is a completely selfish holiday. I was thinking of doing something for my birthday and inviting friends over but I think I'd feel awkward with all the attention on me. Plus then people would feel obligated to get me presents and I don't like that. EE bought me an adorable kitten card that meows happy birthday and $20, and that was very nice but for the most part I just don't like presents. Congrats, I was born, therefore I deserve whatever I want just doesn't seem right to me. I told my parents I didn't want anything, even though that wasn't true. There were a lot of things I could have asked for, but I didn't want to give them anything they could hold over me. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy that kind of a gift anyway.
        I didn't get any presents from my famly but I did go out to dinner with them and it was very yummy and I love sushi and so that was enough. I didn't even feel like anything was missing. I got $50 of Chinese New Year money from family friends anyway, so that will last me the year hopefully. I think I talked D out of buying me anything and he's at college anyway so I'm hoping he hasn't thought of getting me anything. He bought me those $160 Jeffrey Campbell Litas for Christmas, and I am super guilty and I never want any more presents from him again. Asking for those I think was the most selfish thing I have ever done. My friends invited me out tomorrow and I declined. I don't want our time together to be about  me. I don't like it when people sing happy birthday to me or tell me happy birthday or eat cake for my sake. It's just awkward. There are a lot of things I wanted and could have asked for, but I don't want them from anyone. This makes me even more sure than ever that I need to make my own money and spend it. If I had the world available to me at my whims, it wouldn't mean anything to me. I need to work for something to really relish it. I can't wait to do that for the rest of my life.
-T.

i want to be okay.

        I promised D that I wouldn't cut ever again, so I was scared to tell him what had happened. I considered not telling him, but I thought that he needed to know and I didn't want to lie to him. While I was crying yesterday the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better would have been to cry in D's arms. He had just moved into U of I as a transfer that day, and I hated to bother him. He was super disappointed, and said he wasn't mad, but he was really sad.
        He really means so much to me and it's really silly but he is the only person outside of my family that I really feel okay crying in front of. When he tells me that he loves me and stupid sappy stuff it really makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I guess that's why I keep him around. He has the most power to hurt me again, but D knows just how to melt me and make me feel better about anything at all. I'm glad to have D and my friends to talk to me and help me feel like a normal person again. I don't want anyone to worry about me though, especially EE because her family life is absolutely terrorizing and I don't dare to go into detail about it, it's that horrid. She and I have a lot in common and I want to keep in touch with her forever, if only so that I can find out that people with terrible starts can still turn out okay.
        I'm scared to push D away again so I'm just going to act happy and smiley because he likes me that way best and I just want everything to be okay. I feel better when I act like everything's better anyway, and I need his support more than ever.
Everything needs to be okay.
-T.

swimming

cool water lapping over our bodies
your eyes poring over my body
my eyes watching your hot gaze
your big hands sneaking and pressing
my blue bathing suit enticing and yet shrouding
you inch closer to me
suddenly my legs around yours
just rotating on the outside of your heat
its pressure felt through the layers
i pull away, we swim
my arms pulling separating the water
your strong legs pushing us forward
away

dubious.

        I am seeing more and more how incompatible D and I really are. Actually, I knew it all along, but I am being reminded of it further. My friend asked me what I thought D liked about me. All I could think of was "ass" and "vagina." I grew curious, and so I talked to D about it and we each compiled lists of what we liked about the other:

what D likes about me

• ass
• vagina
• smartness - but not smart-ass-ness
• personality (selectively)

what i like about D

• height
• whiteness
• good at math/science
• money
• cute family
• pretty eyes
• funny some of the time

It looks like I was spot on with the first two, and it's kind of funny but not really. I made up the excuse that once you get to know someone really well, it's hard to quantify them in traits. I have no idea if that's true or not, and I am just making up excuses really. I wonder what our relationship is founded on, but I'm afraid to know. The traits that I like the most about myself: work ethic, empathy, love of art, critical thinking; he despises them all. I can't recall a single intelligent conversation we have had where we talk about deeper things in which he hasn't just tried to make me be quiet because he doesn't want to think about it. How can this be, when introspection and curiosity are what I live for? His arrogance, his close-mindedness, his lack of work ethic all drive me nuts. What makes it all worse is that when we have problems he refuses to talk about it and he just shuts me out. This is supposed to demonstrate his power and drive me crazy, and it does. But it doesn't help anything. It only teaches me to avoid making him mad by way of deceit and keeping things from him. When I don't agree with him, I try to not even bring it up because I know that it will make everything worse. Conflicts in relationships are supposed to help people understand each other, not always drive them apart. It's not that we have had problems very recently, but that's because I keep things from him so that we won't have problems. That's not to say that there aren't some unquantifiable things that I love about him. I do enjoy his company and he really did charm the pants right off of me. 

        I just recall the great infatuation we had for each other and it was the most thrilling few weeks of my life. Of course, it didn't last. How could it? I think I still feel a part of myself yearning for it, and holding out hope that it will come again even though I know it won't. Why are we together still? Is it merely because we are comfortable with each other, and because it is just convenient? He does get to come home from college and have someone always fuckable there waiting for him. I get the comfort of knowing that someone is obligated to be close to me. I sometimes wonder what's keeping him from just cheating on me at college. Especially next semester, when he is at U of I with his friends, there will be so much temptation. I told him that if he ever gets the urge to cheat on me to just call me up and break up with me first. I know he's not cheating on me, just because he is too prideful for it if anything. I think that I must be saving him from a plethora of STIs because he would have no sexual restraint without a girlfriend meekly waiting at home for him. Why does he even like me? I am a nice warm vagina that he can consistently rely on. Even if I'm more than that, how can I ever know? I was speaking to LE and it turns out LE is a pretty big horndog as well, and has definitely used girls for their bodies. He is more restrained, but it's so frustrating to see that men truly are all the same, even ones I look up to the most. They are so driven by sex, and I can't even keep boys from focusing on that aspect of me because I am such a slut. I just sort of let them do what the want with me. Where is that balance of having a sexually fulfilling relationship that still allows for mental connection?
       I know that I care for D more deeply than I do for any other person in this whole world. I want us to be happy, and I want us to be able to like each other for who we are, without needing to hide ourselves. I don't know if that is possible, just because we are so different. We value totally different things. I keep thinking that if I suck it up and stick it out things will change. I will find a way to fix myself, I will find a way to fix him. I'm not sure if that can happen.
This has been a nonsensical and terribly unorganized post, a reflection of my confliction. 

-T.

P.S. RIP Grandpa. 

too much sass lately

        I have been really sassing everyone lately. The most recent example was yesterday, when I let D know that I particularly detested a friend of his. The topic arose when I found that he liked and commented on facebook pictures of her butt. She is the biggest attention whore I have ever known, and her only friends are boys. The thing is, she is beautiful and has a bangin bod and a charming personality. It's hard to see beyond the surface, for boys especially. I do admit that I am indeed jealous of her in these respects, and it just upsets me that everyone seems to encourage her asinine behavior.
        Some funny background on her: Last year she posted a picture of her crotch with three boys around it on facebook. It was captioned something along the lines of, "after too many vag slaps!! ;)" Her mom and sister commented saying how un-ok that was, so she later took it down. Her ex-boyfriend, even while he was dating her, would complain loudly and incessantly about her vagina. He had several complaints about it, including odor, and he would also do so in front of children. Whenever he wanted to refer to it in a public place, he would make a flapping motion with his arms. (Now that is just BAD but ridiculously hilarious.) She has not had sex, but has received oral sex from many people, including a boy she didn't like though she knew he had been in love with her for years. Afterwords, she kissed his stomach all the way down to his fly, then went, "teehee, just kidding, I don't do that kind of stuff!"
        She actually goes around bragging to people that she doesn't do physical favors for boys, even for people she dates for a really long time. This is probably a big reason D vehemently denies that she is a skanky. She says things like, "I'm not like other girls," like she thinks she is better than other people because she doesn't do things for boys. WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK. This is so pseudo-feminist that it is anti-feminist. It's one thing to not do it because you don't want to, but it is completely different to claim that you are doing so because you are a "superior" person. Not to mention, it is plain old RUDE to always take and never give. She is beautiful, but she knows it all too well.
        Anyway, now I am being reprimanded for disrespecting him by disrespecting his friend. Nothing is said about him disrespecting me by commenting and liking another girl's butt picture. I couldn't care less if he just appreciated it, of course that is natural, he is an 18 year old boy for chrissakes. The commenting on it and stuff is unwarranted and he knows I am insecure and this really just reminds me of how replaceable and unimportant I am. D says that she is allowed to post whatever she wants on facebook. This is very true, but I honestly don't believe that this means I am not allowed to have an opinion on what she posts. I guess I have to go back to hiding my opinions lest he hate them and stop talking to me. I understand if he is upset with me, but really this shouldn't be such a big deal, and he can't just hate on me like this without reflecting on what wrong he has done. Of course, he doesn't do anything wrong so what am I talking about. I just hate so much having to cover my feelings up, and when I don't tell him my feelings I feel like I am keeping something from him and I also have to make up fake feelings so that I don't act like the cynical brat I really am. I am always apologizing because I hate the fighting and the not talking, but I don't believe I really should be doing that.
        If he wants to break up with me he should do so,  and if he really wants to make this work he should start acting like it.
-T.

Powderpuff

        Yesterday was my school's powderpuff game, in which junior and senior girls play football against one another as a Homecoming tradition. They dress up in decorated, glittery, skanky uniforms with punny/intimidating names. They create chants and bully one another, each trying to establish their dominance over the other grade level. Frankly, it's a classic example of the basic principle of social psychology. No matter our innate qualities, the situation and expectations of others will greatly skew our behaviors. The moment the teams are arbitrarily split by grade level, hostility and group-think is instantly created. With group-think comes group polarization, in which initially mild group decisions become increasingly extreme. Here is a Lord of the Flies scenario in action. I also cannot help but call to mind Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment.
        I participated last year, and couldn't help feeling silly and idiotic. During the school day there was endless bullying and glitter everywhere throughout the school. The seniors last year chanted a girl's name just because they hated her. This girl honestly was indeed very hate-worthy, but the chanting was incredibly unnecessary. During the game in the evening, there were several injuries, including one girl bleeding from the mouth from another girl ramming her head against her. This year, I chose not to participate in this savage activity, partially because of my personal gripes about it, and also because it seemed a waste of time and $60. This event is an excuse be absolutely obnoxious, it is not about football and it is not about school spirit. The vast majority of girls at my school are polite, civil persons the rest of the year. Powderpuff makes for a great social psychology example. I am sure that I would have acted similarly ridiculous had I joined in, and that realization of my own innate savage nature is frightening.
       I thought I would feel left out, but oddly enough, I felt very alternative which was kind of funny. Every class I was in some girl piped, "we should take a class powderpuff picture!" and I would be the only girl not in it. I felt like so not mainstream, it was great. I still helped my friends with their punny names and their fun makeup. A guy whom I have not spoken to since 8th grade came up to me in the hallway and said, "I heard you were the only senior girl not doing this stupid thing. That's awesome." It absolutely made my school day. After classes, we had a homecoming assembly which would undoubtedly be filled with more brutality. I skipped it and had D pick me up. Of course though, as I was ten feet from his car, I was stopped by a parapro and forced me to return to the assembly. Since it was already half over and I really did not want to attend, I just hid in the bathroom and played sudoku on my iPod for about forty minutes. I really really  hated my school at that moment. Anyway, it was a waste of a school day but it was good because none of my teachers assigned homework for Homecoming weekend. I look forward to stalking my friends' Homecoming pictures. I would have liked to go to the dance, but buying a dress is such a needless hassle and my parents would not accept that I would go with D. I guess they will find out eventually that I'm seeing him again, but I'm hoping to keep it from them until I move out, if it is still pertinent. There are a myriad of silly reasons for which they don't accept him. I am so over high school though, that Homecoming is not important to me. I would rather sit at home and prepare for my next phase of life, which is college! I forced D to take me to McDonald's and we had a good time after school by ourselves. It was one year to the day that I lost my virginity to him, so of course we celebrated. Who needs high school anymore?
-T.

honeymooning.

        The other day I accidentally-on-purpose told D that I love him. It's true, I do, but it is hard to say. It opens the door to so much more hurt. I thought about it for a long time though, and I decided it would end up hurting me more if I never got to tell him how I really feel. Also, I do get the feeling that D is the kind of guy who wants what he can't get. The fact that I wasn't telling him I loved him made him work harder for me. Yet, I would have to tell him it eventually. If he was just going to get bored with me because he didn't have to chase me much anymore in the end, then I'd rather it be sooner and not drag it out.
        We are likely still in the honeymoon phase right now. The moments we spend together are wonderful, but still they remind me of how things used to be. It's just like the first time around, except this time I know better and I remember the last time. In the back of my mind there is always that weight, and I wonder if it will ever fade. Will we get tired of each other again? It's frightening. My friend VK has been with her boyfriend for about a year, I want to say. They still love each other so much and are so perfect together. VK is a beautiful person with a beautiful mind, though. I wonder if I could ever have that. I wonder if I could ever deserve that.
         It's true that D is a flawed human being, but so am I. I don't and can't love selective parts of him. I know him better than I have ever known anyone. I am close to him like I have been close to no other. There is no reason for me to keep my feelings to myself, no matter how complex they are. If he can't handle them, I'd rather know sooner than later. I can only hope that he can remember that I make mistakes too and he won't back out at the first sign of trouble. For now, D makes me more happy than anything. I sure hope it lasts this time around. I won't know for a while I guess.
-T.

mental illnesses rant

        Talking with D reminds me that there is another type of totally unempathetic human being. Ah, now I remember why I couldn't stand him and sometimes still can't. Many times I forget that those people even exist. Their unilateral thought processes don't make any sense to me at all. Mental illness is as real a disease as any other. You wouldn't blame someone for having cancer, why would you blame someone for having a mental disorder? This is a very common misconception amongst people, and it really worries me.
        Many mental illnesses, from anorexia to depression to schizophrenia are based on compulsive thoughts or behaviors. Can people with compulsive thoughts and feelings just stop? By definition, if they could just stop, then their symptoms wouldn't be called compulsive. D insists that depression and such are not diseases, but just emotions. The dictionary definition of a "disease" is pretty much any abnormality that causes harm. Beyond that, indexes such as the DSM-IV define specific diseases. When one seeks treatment, the doctor does not simply talk to you for a bit and say, "well it seems like you have such and such disease." There is a checklist and a process for diagnosis. This is not a matter of opinion, there are set definitions.
       Disorders are not a matter of choice. Does it make sense that, given the choice, a person would say, "oh I want to be alcoholic and have OCD"? At the basis of these disorders, it becomes substance above all else. It is a relief of the compulsive thought through compulsive behaviors over all else. Why is it that people think that the brain is invincible and cannot succumb to any diseases, while the rest of our body can? The brain is a complex, fascinating, and phenomenal organ. With its complexity, there are any number of ways that the wirings and neurotransmitters and processes can malfunction. Why downplay its complexity by writing things off as choice or a simple mood, when there is so much more? When we question our world and ourselves, we can truly learn more.
        As for D, his empathetic failure is a complete turn off. It does not make him seem manly, only ignorant and close-minded. It is his greatest flaw, and it clashes with one of my greatest passions. I can only hope that he takes his college psychology class to heart. I really need to think about things.
-T.

this turned into a post about boobs

        Today, D told me "<3 you!" It made me kind of uneasy. This phrase is obviously a lame teenage cop out for kids who don't want deal with the gravity of saying the word "love" but they still want to seem super cutesy and couple-y. I didn't say it back, was I supposed to? I don't know.
        Oftentimes, I wonder what he sees in me. I feel like I am totally replaceable, though most girls are. It's a bit of a hassle to explain, but this article sums it up perfectly. (I've had a link to it on my sidebar for a while.) It's great that I'm good looking and all, and he likes me for that, but then I walk around school or go on facebook and I see so many girls who are just as pretty if not prettier. I don't even have boobs to keep his interest. Why should he choose me when there are so many options? I'm awkward, creepy, crazy, and overly thoughtful. He could easily lose his interest in me when he sees some other girl at a college pool party or something like that. I imagine that this girl watches football, naturally gorgeous and doesn't wear makeup, has some nice C-cups, athletic, can drive herself around, plays video games, is laid-back, and lets him fuck her poop chute. Sometimes I think he is only settling for me and I am merely a placeholder to keep him company until that girl shows up. Of course, he doesn't realize this. He is naive and happy with me as always, but I have my doubts.
        A lot of the time we do group skype calls with our friends and we have a running joke about my boobs being small. Of course, D always keeps taking the joke pretty far and never really says anything like "just kidding." Even one of the other guys who was joking around followed it up with that small boobs are perfect and cute and it's okay. I just wish that D would do the same, he just doesn't know that it does sort of hurt my feelings a little when he keeps saying it. He only says he likes my boobs when he wants to see/touch them. I'm sure he doesn't mean it, but if I bring it up to him he will just tell me to be more confident and then say stuff like, "so what, I have moobs and I just deal with them." He still tells me I'm pretty in general a lot, but it's just annoying and a little bit appalling that he is that insensitive when he makes fun of me for my boobs. Does he honestly not get annoyed when I make fun of his moobs? Sometimes I do stuff like talk about other guys when he talks about other girls just to piss him off. I do the same thing when he makes fun of me and so I make fun of his moobs and pube mole and stuff. Also I say stuff like, "yah totally getting a boob job I need one," even though I would probably never get one because I'm honestly okay with myself by my own standards, but I just want him to tell me that I don't need one and I look fine as is, but probably he secretly wants me to get one because he likes boobs and he's always dated girls with big boobs. All this is just to give him a taste of his own medicine and subtly tell him to STOP, but of course boys don't get the subtle stuff. Silly boys.
-T.

getting physical??

        I'm taking AP Physics C this year and let's just say I'm having a rough time with it. Most days for the homework I just stare at the problem for at least half an hour and then I give in and ask people for help. My two main physicists are D and my dad. I feel like my physics-related neuron synapse is faulty or something. I thought I would like it and be good at it because I loved Calculus and Chemistry. Everyone else seems to get everything faster than I can, and the guy who sits next to me finishes his homework in two minutes.
        I got the multiple choice portion of my first test back today. It was a 26/35, with the class average being a 27. I didn't even reach my goal of a high C. I think I did better on the free response, but still. Maybe this is cocky of me to say, but I honestly think that this is the first time that I have had legitimate difficulty with a subject. Formerly, for my toughest classes, if I just do the homework and read the book I'm good to go. I'm definitely not used to being below average and I'm not used to not understanding things after hard work.
           Still though, there is some good that comes out of this frustration. I've found an academic limit, but that just means I need to work at it a little bit more than other people and then that limit will be pushed until it doesn't exist anymore. If I apply myself, I will be fine if I get a B. Since homework and test points are not weighted I can do poorly on tests but still get a decent grade in the class. We'll see how this goes, maybe it will just take some time to get the hang of it. Also, good thing when I took physics honors over the summer it was deceptively easy and we skipped all of the remotely difficult topics... Anyway, I'm also glad because I finally know what it feels like to really not understand something. It's one more item to add to my empathy bank! I always knew that people had trouble with things, heck I'm a TA for a C-level math class. It's something entirely different to be there though, to experience that despair and frustration. I'm actually really lucky that I have the motivation to keep going and not totally giving up.
-T.

here we go again!

       I had the most wonderful day yesterday. I went to D's dad's house where there was some sort of family barbecue so I met all of those people and it was barely even awkward. Oh yeah forgot to mention it prior to this but I'M SEEING D AGAIN. I was trying to keep it on the DL but it's pretty much out now so whatever. I hung out with him and his sister and his little cousins and saw his almost one-year-old half brother aww it was so precious. Afterwords before he dropped me off we had sex and it was nice and romantic and so sweet as well as sexy.
        I think we are both trying hard to not make the same mistakes as last time, and we really do want to be happy together. We've done a lot better talking about and working out our problems. There is honestly no one I feel more comfortable around. Whom else could I allow to inspect my vagina and cuddle naked with? He keeps mentioning things like kids and spending our live together which I know he is only saying in passing but I kind of wish he wouldn't. I'm still not entirely sure of everything just because there is no way I can just forget about the past. It's going to take a while for me to be able to trust him. As wonderful and sweet as yesterday with him was, there was a little something missing. There was nothing to fill those pregnant pauses where "I love you" used to go.
        The tricky part is that I do love him, and I realize that I will never stop loving him no matter what happens. My love for him is a bit different though. A long time ago, I loved him carelessly and blissfully. Now my love is weighed down with remembrances and guilt and anticipation for heartbreak. It's the lack of surety and security and possibly the lack of reciprocation that keep both of us from saying it.
        I want to be his perfect girl, and I want to be happy with him. I am happy with him right now, and I want it to last.
-T.
P.S. Last Tuesday, August 30, was our anniversary! One whole year :]

he wants me back (again)

More Wiener!!!

        TO is 6'1", going to U of I for Engineering, and athletic. He is playful and does not despise grammar, and really not bad looking... for an Asian. I just really cannot make myself be attracted to Asians, something is wrong with me. I'm seriously a race traitor. 
        Also, he really needs to settle down with the incessant shoving his tongue down my throat NONSTOP, like doesn't he have any other tricks? Sloppy. He's a nice guy, though I'm not quite completely comfortable yet. Casual physicality is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Then again, if it was with someone white and super-hot, would it be this confusing? Who knows.
        For some reason I thought his Asian status implied shyness and slight prudeness. I was quite a bit surprised when I found his hand sliding up my thigh within five minutes of mack-time. All boys are seriously the same. Just kidding, I can't make that generalization, but I mean come on.... D I think was a lot smoother than he was, and a better macker, and made me feel much more at ease. He was so silly it was great. That might just be because we were in "love" and had a good relationship going on, though. Oh crap I'm comparing I suck.
        This encounter really shows how much a friendship can change. We used to be dumb middle schoolers sneaking around the school and doing stupid stuff. A few years pass and suddenly we are both de-virginized, more attractive, more sure of ourselves, and horny as fuck. Sexual tensions over the years exploded today. Cool.
-T.

Wieners.

        An old friend of mine came over today. Before I go into that though, I'll give some background information. TO and I met when I was in 8th grade and he a freshman at Chinese school. He then went to IMSA (Illinois Math and Science Academy) starting his sophomore year so we never actually went to the same school. I liked him my freshman year, and he's had a string of Asian girlfriends. 
        Last summer we hung out once, and he told me that if he hadn't switched schools he would probably have asked me out. That was weird of him to say, considering he had a girlfriend at the time. In the spring we hung out again during badminton season. Then yesterday he came over and I made him "lunch" (ramen and box rice haha.) Somehow we ended up making out, only for about ten seconds though. He started it! Today he took me out to lunch, and then we were back at my house. We made out, among other things. After like three hours, we got to third base, but I didn't reciprocate. 
        I was feeling weird about it the whole time, and he could tell. It wasn't that I was comparing him to D or anything. It was more like I couldn't help being reminded of him. I feel a little bit guilty about it all happening so quick, even after the stuff with D happened. It's not like we are boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. Yet, I also wonder what's wrong with letting things like this happen. I didn't ask for it, it took some convincing, and I didn't reciprocate. I think what I really need to do is let the schema of skankiness go. I'm worried about what people would think, I'm worried that I will hate myself later. Why should I care though? Should it really matter that we are probably not going to officially go together, seeing as he is going to college and such? 
        I'm starting to see that a casual hookup is little different from masturbation, it's just a release of physical tensions. Not that this was a casual hookup, but I suppose it was something close. What I really really want to do is free my sexuality from D. This is my sexuality, and it should not forever be infused with ideas of D. I don't expect TO to bring me my next hurricane of a relationship, but what I do hope for is to get a little piece of myself back. 
-T.

How To Be Used

"I’m going to level with you. It feels pretty great at first. Why? Because you wouldn’t set yourself up to be used if you didn’t get something out of it in the first place. Maybe you’re needy. Maybe you’re insecure. Maybe you have some idyllic best-case scenario in mind regarding the user and you’re simply willing to take whatever you can get. Regardless, it starts off feeling good; you’ve got their attention—perhaps even their momentary affection—and everything is right with the world.

At some point that moment, day, month (depending on the situation) you begin to get the inclination that you represent something to this person other than what you’d hope to embody in a healthy, reciprocal, respectful relationship. But you’re still getting something out of it (validation!) so you take it, and you do your best to successfully ignore the part of your brain that’s like, “Ummm… duuuuuude…..”

Something breaks the proverbial camel’s back. Maybe you realize they’ve stopped buying you dinner and just usher you straight to their bedroom, up the back steps so their roommate doesn’t make small talk. Maybe they go off the grid for evenings at a time and then tell you they simply “crashed early.” Maybe they ask you for something so inappropriate you’re embarrassed to write about it publicly (ahem). Haaaaa but who am I kidding! If you were mentally attuned to these facts you never would’ve gotten here in the first place, would you? No, instead you’ll be telling these things to your best friends, saying things like, “But seriously, guys, I still think it’s worth salvaging,” while they kick each other under the table and visibly eye roll and go home to start a Gmail thread with the subject line, “WTF ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!”

You start to feel ill most of the hours you are awake. You live and die by communication from the person who is using you, yet you lose sight of what ‘positive interaction’ really looks, sounds, and feels like and instead settle for simply any ‘them-generated’ communication whatsoever. At some point you beg to be used. Please, come over! I will give you whiskey and Ativan and Pizza Hut! Have sex with me and leave in the middle of the night! It’s fine, my sexual needs don’t exist at all! Please, take a shit on my emotions! I will answer your whiny texts at any hour of the night! I love hearing you complain about your ex-girlfriend! It sustains me!

Concretely discern that you’re better off ignoring this person forever. Delete them from your phone (sure, you can try saving them as, “DON’T!” or “YOU’LL REGRET IT!” but your desperate drunken brain will find a way to justify it). Decide to ice them out forever. Stop making your bed because you expect them to come over (though they always promised to and never actually did, did they). Cut them off financially (foreshadowing: miraculously, they still find a way to make ends meet).

Cry. Cry a little or a lot depending on your personality. Cry in front of your friends but realize that they are so tired of your situation by now that they just wish you’d stop and let them finish watching The Bachelorette. Cry by yourself when you’re watching any television show or movie featuring happy couples, or listening to any song with a chorus that includes the word “we” regardless of context.

Take them back. Obviously. Let me reiterate that you wouldn’t get used if you had a handle on how fucked up your situation was. It’s not your fault; you don’t know better. And you won’t know better the next time you’re used either, or probably the time after that. Because you’re not an idiot. You’re not standing on a street corner with your savings account in a cardboard box wearing a t-shirt that says, “Will Fuck For a Modicum of Attention!” No, you just haven’t figured out how ‘it works’ yet.

But rest assured, someday you’ll realize you’re being used, and though it will still happen to you (goddamn your enabling personality, right?) at some point you might—might—learn to stand up for yourself.
–Sarah Heuer wants to punch you in the face."

[http://thetangential.tumblr.com/]

I don't really have much to add to this, except that you still loved being used, yes every bit of it. You don't blame that user, that precious user. He only fed you what you wanted after all. He even got what he wanted in the process, and who can blame someone for using what he has?
-T.