snarky email followup

My mom's reply was a rant about how it still was a lot of money that they were paying, (which I did not and will never disagree with,) in addition to the oft-spouted stories of how she worked so hard through college to pay for her own tuition  of $40,000 and how she is so thrifty. $40,000??????? I asked my dad about this and he said her tuition was $11,000 and he paid for it one year.
Just a bit ago she told me that I need to learn more about "accounting things" because I just don't understand interest and something about retirement benefits and so her initial figures about tuition were correct. Maybe she is right and I have a gross misperception of the world and finances!!!! When UChicago tells me $30,000 it is all really a trick and it is actually $70,000 somehow and I am just too stupid and uneducated to understand!!!!
I don't even know why I continue trying to be sassy to her. She thinks she has proven herself to be in the right because I literally said "okay bye" and walked away from her. Every time I try to make her see the light, it only becomes more justification for her to be "disappointed" in me and think of me as a disobedient, disrespectful monster.Why am I so hung up on this? She is obviously an idiot, either that or I'm the biggest ignorant buttwipe who knows nothing about money and either way no amount of me sassing her is going to change that. Everyone who knows her can see that she's beyond hope. My sister is learning to never give any merit to what she says, and her own parents know that she's an idiot. So much of what she so sickening that it's almost comical.

At least I get to go to college though. At least I get to move out and be away from her and never speak to her again if I choose to do so. My dad, on the other hand, has to live with her presumably until one of them dies. He's given up. I told him about the incident and he told me to stop correcting her, and that when it comes to numbers, she is always wrong, and always exaggerating. He'll never be rid of her because it would hurt his pride too much to divorce her. My mom has yelled threats of divorce so many times, but she's never serious. He is such a logical person whose only sensitivities involve classical music. I don't know how he sleeps in the same bed as she does. My dad has told me that love and companionship are not real. Status and money are concrete and they are what will make a marriage last. I hope he honestly believes this, even though most people would say the exact opposite. I wonder when he started thinking this way. It's sad, but I hope it helps him cope with his life. I just wish he would stop making it apply to mine.

I think I've found good companionship and maybe even "love," whatever that is. I hope it lasts. My worst fear in the world would be to end up like my parents. Psychology says I will. I'm scared. I'm too passive to break the cycle.

What a stupid and unorganized post.

-T.

funny parents

        I guess it recently occurred to my parents that I might want to have sex. I just got an extended anti-sex talk from them. It started with, "you're still a virgin, right?" and me laughing while nodding. Apart from demonizing sex, they also marginalized my relationship with LE, and assumed my rashness and immaturity. My mom made it seem like having sex with one person means you plan on basically marrying them and are going to be committed in some way to that person for life. She also assumed that I wasn't the type of girl who would just go around and have casual hookups. In all honesty, if LE weren't in the picture, I would plan on having a lot of random sex just because. He is perfect for me and I don't want sex from anyone else, and it's more convenient to just fuck him whenever I want anyway. Alas, we are young and so obviously we are not in love with each other so of course I wouldn't fuck him. So many things wrong with the previous sentence. They also think that I'd regret whatever sexual decisions I make. If I've learned anything from just residing in this body, it's that in the long run I don't regret anything I do. Of course, I am not sure how much of my views stem from resolving cognitive dissonance from doing immoral things, but nonetheless any actions I take have been thought about and are unregrettable simply by the fact of me doing them.
        Once again it is appalling and whimsical how little my parents know about me. My dad knows that LE's birthday is coming up and he is REALLY WORRIED about it and is on the verge of making my sister stay home from school that day. As if we hadn't already had sex in this house. As if they can keep me from doing whatever I want. Actually I think they know that they have little to no control over me when I am not in their direct presence. It frightens them, especially my dad, but if that's the case then wouldn't it make more sense for them to at least pretend to trust me so that I feel some moral obligations to them? That won't make sense probably, but it doesn't matter because I'm having sex whenever and however and with whomever I want. This summer is going to be awesome. They are just so unbelievably laughably ignorant of me and all that I stand for.
-T.

the silent treatment.

        Last Thursday, I told my mom that she was wrong for critiquing literally every person on every little facet of their appearance. I told her that studies have shown that it makes children extremely self-conscious if you  make any comments about appearance at all and so she shouldn't be judging people so much. She got really defensive about it and said she could say anything she wants and that it doesn't hurt anyone and why did I care so much. I told her that the moment she decided to have kids she relinquished the right to say whatever the fuck she wants. Somehow she ended up, as always, threatening that I would just end up at U of I and I was stupid and nobody wanted me. She just doesn't care about anyone and doesn't get that her behaviors are poisonous, and nicely enough, they are the number one influence in her children's lives. She stopped talking to me, and only passively aggressively did things like trash my room and talk shit about me to others in front of my face.
        Yesterday she finally said that I better apologize to her or else she'd never talk to me again. My response was, "no thanks, it's been the best week of my life." She yelled at me more and then after a while went back to not talking. I took the opportunity to tell her that I think she is a horrible person and my worst fear ever would be to end up like her, and so much more. It was absolutely awful, but it felt awesome and she couldn't even say anything back because she was too busy with her silent treatment. I find it kind of hilarious that she thinks it's a punishment for me. I haven't given anyone the silent treatment since fifth grade... why is my mother so mature??
         Except I'm not much more mature either. I was peeling beans today and my dad hated that I was sitting down and doing it. I was so lazy, why couldn't I just stand up and peel them? I refused because I think it's ridiculous and doesn't alter the functionality of the beans at all, and so he smacked me across the head. I hit him back for the first time ever, and he hit me again. I was like LOL HIT ME MORE I LOVE THE PAIN and he just yelled at me and wouldn't hit me again. I'm not afraid of the pain of being hit, but it just infuriates me because it makes me feel like a worthless animal. I went up to my room and cried for a really long time and I cut myself so deep and so much. I've never cut myself so much at once and I haven't cried like that since middle school. I had pretty much stopped cutting myself last year. I was in such a rage. My mom walked in on me cutting and she knew what was happening but she just yelled at me more. There was blood running down my arms and on  my clothes and nobody cared. She would not stop talking at me even though my iPod was on full blast and I was just sobbing and not listening. My dad came in and yelled at me more too, that I was so immature, and all I wanted was to be left alone. I started screaming at the top of my lungs like I never have before just so that they would go away and after a while it worked. My mom called me a crazy person and said that I belong in a mental hospital (with good reason.)
        She came in a few minutes later and after half an hour of her yelling at me again about how that she was the only one patient enough with me to talk to me and that once I got into the real world everyone would hate me, I went insane again. I threw my Calc book at her because I just wanted her to leave. She laughed and took it and beat me over the head with it a few times before leaving. I didn't stop crying for about four hours and eventually I fell asleep. I locked all my doors and my dad yelled at me to open them or else. I replied, "or else what? You'll hit me again? You'll block the internet? All the usual scare tactics!" He got pissed I guess and walked away and now I finally woke up. Lo and behold tumblr, facebook, and neopets are all blocked (yes I resorted to neopets to help in procrastination) and I haven't eaten and my eyes are grossly puffy and I just feel awful and sick. Finals span the next few days so I suppose I should study for those. I don't have any distracting websites to look at anyway.

This has post regarding my mental breakdown has been the worst post in a while in terms of both content and writing style and I hope everyone enjoyed it.

-T, the immature maniac.

The Death of Ivan Ilych

        We are reading this book in English class, and it is just awesome. It brings raises the question of what I would do in the face of death, either of myself or of those around me, and it comes at a coincidental time. A few days ago my dad received a phone call from his brother in China, saying that my grandfather wasn't doing so well. As a result, my dad is going to frantically fly to China in a week. After sobbing to BD on the phone, he suggested that I go with. I gave it a lot of thought. I'd have to miss about two weeks of school, and that would leave me with a lot of work to make up in several difficult classes. Eventually I decided that BD was right. Two weeks of school and plane ticket money should not be more important than being able to see my grandfather for the last time. After all, most of my teachers seem pretty accommodating. I am sure that I could get lengthy extensions and I could have them email me pretty often with notes and such. Most of school is a waste of time anyway. I wake up obscenely early so that I don't get enough sleep and so that it is counterproductive. Some classes of my classes, such as AP Economics, Physical Education, and AP English, are altogether useless, boring, and/or redundant. The only classes that I really feel I need to be there for are AP Physics C, the math class I assistant teach for, and perhaps Advanced Math Topics.
        I brought it up to my dad, and he is open to me going but also suggests against it. Then my mom got wind of it, and, as I knew she would, instantly started attacking me. She said that I had already just seen him over the summer, and I was going to fail out of all my classes, and that I am only thinking of myself and not of all the extra money they would spend. She also said that I am a huge burden, and if I went then I deserve to pay for my own college tuition. Of course, she topped it off with, "but you have to make your own decisions, I'm not going to say anything." I honestly didn't know what to say to her. This is the same woman who blatantly told my sister that her grandpa is going to die soon. I don't understand how a human being could be so cold-hearted, and I am utterly ashamed to be her offspring. The rare times when people don't actually give a fuck about human compassion, they at least attempt to disguise it. I know it would cost about an extra $1000, but I wish she would at least give it some consideration. I wonder if she really believes that I am being incredibly selfish and didn't think about it at all, and am going to make a vacation out of hanging out with my grandfather day in and day out at the hospital while he has ten different tubes coming out of him attaching him to beeping machines. My mom doesn't make any sense whatsoever. This is fucking life and death we are talking about. I don't know what to do or say anymore.
-T.

what is the point of threats

Maybe I would have done what you told me to anyway, but then you had to go and threaten me and insult me. Apparently you expect me to be really happy to do your bidding after you just made me feel like absolute shit. Then you yell at me for having a bad attitude. I try to tell you to not threaten me and please not treat me like I killed someone the other day, but you keep telling me to shut up when I try to speak because you don't want to hear it. I can't tell you what I feel, and even if I could it wouldn't matter. You don't care what I feel.

When I do do your bidding because I have no other options, you clearly enjoy your power rush. Still though, you are upset because I don't seem to be a happy little sheep when I do it. Nonetheless, I do it, and you are relieved. You will use this as an example in the future of how I need to be threatened in order to get anything done. I can't refute lest you become upset with me again, and you have that set idea in your mind anyway. I am reinforcing your behavior because I have no choice, and I indeed become the docile, obedient robot you always wanted me to be.

It's as if you have to exert power over me or else I will lose respect for you. If by respect you mean fear, then you are correct. However I have some news for you. I have already lost all respect for you and that's likely not going to change. Respect is difficult to earn back. I know that only horrible kids don't respect their parents, but I'm okay with being one of those if it means being honest. Yes, I do agree that you are entitled to some degree of respect because you had sex and birthed me and gave me food and shelter. However much respect that got you though, has been negated tenfold. Perhaps I have lost your respect too, but that's okay because it's for things like trying to nap after school. I do it maybe once a week, and then I get a rant about a vicious cycle that will ruin my circadian rhythm except you don't use the term circadian rhythm because you know nothing about psychology, nor do you care about the state of my mental health.

I probably can't blame you. Your parents were most likely just like this too. At one point you were young and wanted to be great parents and were excited to start a family, but over time you forgot all the parenting books you read. You forgot that I have a mind of my own too, and you certainly don't want to be reminded of it. Every day you find some way to make me want to cut myself. It takes all of my willpower to not do that because I am not supposed to be doing that anymore.
-T.