EE & SY

        Looking back on my life, it hasn't been rough at all. I had an emotionally unfulfilling childhood and constant family conflict, but there is so much worse that could have been. I've been getting to know a girl named EE. She is a fantastic swimmer and is smart and has a job and she never sleeps, and by that I mean probably gets around 2-3 hours of sleep every night. In addition to that, she has a terrible mother who kicks her out of the house fairly often, yells at her every day, favors her sister who is not nearly as smart, and makes her pay for her own food and gas and whatever else she needs. I thought I had it bad.
        I only met EE this year and she is really funny and oddly enough she is kind of obsessed with me. She thinks that I am the most perfect person alive, and I feel strange about that. Suddenly this year I am pretty well liked in all of my classes I think, and that's never happened to me before. I was always the quiet scary one or the really annoying one, and with good reason. I don't know why EE likes me so much and I'm not sure that I deserve it at all. She has so much going on in her life, and I don't want her to think that I'm better than her in any way at all. I could never deal with all she has been through, and it makes me sad that since she had a rough year time in school at one point due to other circumstances, her chances at UChicago (also her dream school,) are greatly diminished. She deserves so much more, and I don't know why so much hardship has befallen her. Her mother makes mine look loving and tender. Most people never recognize all that she does and has to push through and that's just so unfortunate. She is so stressed all the time and I just want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, and that she doesn't deserve any of this.
        Actually, very much the same goes for another friend, SY. She's had three concussions very recently, and if you know anything about head trauma you know that that's terrible news. It's definitely going to cause serious long term problems, even if she gets better in the short term. She had to give up cheerleading, which she loves, and she is so behind in school since she hasn't been able to be there so much. And when she's at home, it's not like she can catch up. I have six classes with her, so it's very apparent to me when she isn't there for a day. When she is there, much of the time her head is hurting and EE and I help a little by squeezing her head for her during class. Everything is discouraging, and she doesn't know how to cope.
        Except, she has found coping mechanisms. I don't know if this is a recent trend but she buys random stuff like crazy. It's all really nice clothes but it is so much money for items she will wear about twice. She has tons of clothes that she already has never worn before and I think it's getting a bit excessive. In addition, she's starving herself. It can't be good for her brain that's trying to heal, not to mention the usual consequences. She is already so thin and I always really liked her body. Her mom isn't being helpful either. SY ended up not applying to her favorite college because she was so afraid of rejection and her mother was so discouraging. On the other hand, her behavior is kind of outrageous. The constant shopping and social networking and starvation are keeping her from catching up. At the same time though, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same if I were her. She is taking the toughest classes in school, and is terribly behind in them. I don't think I could handle it. It's made me realize that beauty and smarts and prestige are nothing. What you really need are stable emotions and a sound mind. Everything else you can make do with.
        My friends go through so much and I just feel so powerless. Literally none of this is through any fault of their own, and they have to suffer. I guess that's just life, but it's just so horrible. I hope so much that later in life they are happy and they get everything they have ever needed and hoped for. Right now that's just not possible because of some stupid circumstances. It all seems like the end of the world to them now, and I've been there before, but I think that just means that things can improve from there. I want everyone and everything to turn out okay.
     

last day of school

        Yep, that was today. It was nice, I just made ice cream in my calculus class for the final, and then I had an open so my friends and I went to Jewel and gorged ourselves with chicken. I couldn't have asked for a better last day of school. 
        With the end of one comes the start of another. Some people are considering me to be a senior now, and it's really pretty scary. I have always had a sort of Peter Pan complex, but here it's much more conflicted. After all that I have learned and created of myself in the past school year, I feel as if I want to be treated as an adult and put my new knowledge out there. Yet, I don't know if I am ready to act like an adult. I don't know if I am ready to face all these adult issues. I am afraid of the adult I will become. Some adults lead sad, annoying, and tedious lives.What will be will be, and right now I just have to focus on being the best me I can be.
        The hardest part of all this is going to be letting go of everything that has shaped me and everything that I know. I feel like I need to do all these crazy things before it's too late, then another part of me feels like I need to just live my life normally so that I can feel normal, whatever that is. Every parent dreams of greatness for his or her child. Every child dreams of doing something huge and changing the world. When we are young, there is so much hope for the future, there are so many paths and so many possibilities. When we grow older, some of us will certainly be more successful than others. Some of us will look back on our lives with satisfaction, others with distaste and remorse. We can't know which ones we will become, because no matter what we dream, all of us dream. We're not going to get all of our dreams. I suppose I am afraid of dreaming the wrong dream and choosing a wrong path. Once that path is taken, we can't turn time around and choose another. I'm seeing the importance of dabbling in everything and taking the time to really find out what we want to do for the rest of our lives. After all, we need to spend our lives having a good time, or else why would we live at all?
-T.