nervous breakdown (?)

        I have been so excruciatingly busy, and the next few weeks are going to be horrible. I have badminton every day after school, and most days I don't get home until 8. 

Next week I have a four day AP Calculus BC exam, which is going to be worth my entire fourth quarter grade.

On the 23rd I have an all day badminton invite. 

On the 21st I have a large English project due, but I got my teacher to let me have until the 25th. 

On the 28th and 29th is the PSAE, which includes another ACT. 

For some reason I'm the last minute assistant for the oralist who is going to state for math team on the 30th. 

I have to study for that and meet with the oralist a lot now. 

On May 2, I have both my Chemistry and my Psychology AP exams. 

May 3 is conference. 

May 4 is my Calc BC AP. 

May 7 I am taking the SAT Subject Test for Chemistry. 

In June school will be ending, but there will be finals and another SAT Math II. 

I'm sure there's more that I have forgotten about/more things will come up soon. 

If I am going to have any chance of getting into my dream school, I need to get straight A's. I don't know if that is going to happen with everything that's going on. I'm really stressed out and all I think about during sleep are my heavy lids and overwhelming work. Somehow I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet, though I'm waiting for it. 

        Also, I still don't have any leads for prom. I want to laugh at D because he got rejected by three girls for prom and has no one to go with, but I also don't have anyone to go with. Plus, he's such a hottie, I'm sure he'll find someone. Man, why'd he have to go and kill both of our perfect proms? We would have been the hottest couple there.

-T.

sorry..

        I'm sorry to everyone who has to look at my pained face every day. I feel so listless. Those who haven't noticed are those who I have not allowed to know. I am sorry for being insincere. I cannot let everyone see me, lest I lose more people. I see that there is beauty and joy around me. I see that it is supposed to be there, anyhow. I want to feel it as those around me do. What will it take to make me happy? I am so ungrateful. My friends want to help, but I force them away. I want them to help, but I don't deserve it because I just can't be helped. I just sit there deadly. I'm glad that they have gone to ignoring me now. It's better than when they feel the need to sit there and pity me and comfort me to no avail. Still, they probably think I'm just being quiet and not saying anything for attention. I just don't find joy in people or anything I do anymore. 
        I hate feeling sorry for myself. I just took an online quiz, and according to that I have some symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder, but not enough for a full diagnosis. I also have several symptoms of other disorders, but not enough for anything concrete. Who doesn't have random symptoms? I'm just like everyone else. I'm just stuck feeling sorry for myself when I really don't deserve it.

        I'm sorry to my parents, who think I'm better now. They say, now you have 35, you play badminton, you are everything. You're not depressed anymore, right? What am I supposed to say to that? Yes, magically since everything external seems to be right, then that makes me right internally. Shouldn't it though? I need to stop being an ungrateful little bitch and just get with it. 

-T. 

I have everything.

        I feel so cold and empty all the time. I don't understand why. I have everything that I had ever dreamed that I could have at this point in my life. I appreciate it, but stupidly it seems sort of useless to me at the moment. All I want to do is cry in D's arms as he tells me he will never love me again while holding me.

        I am making such a fool of myself. Tomorrow it will be exactly one month since the day we broke up. It feels like we only split two days ago. I am losing sense of time. When I fall asleep I wonder about him. The moment I wake up he is there again. I am only floating through life. I am afraid to tell some people. When I do they make that awww sound, and that pity face. It makes boiling tears flood my eyes. I tried cutting. It worked while I was doing it, but right after I felt the same as before. It usually never fails. Does this mean my cure is to cut myself indefinitely? If it was, I would do it. Anything to stop this dull, searing, incessant pain.

        I want to go crazy. I am going crazy. I want to get drunk and have hate sex with a seductive stranger. 

        Everyone tries to help. I don't know how they could though. They can give me all the advice in the world. The moment I turn away I am back on to thinking about him. I push everyone away. I can't talk about this. Apparently the more you think about something, the stronger those particular neuron connections become, and the more automatically they are used. Fuck me. 

-T.

twice.

        I'm afraid I've lost D for good. He lied to me so sweetly. First that he loved me so much and would never hurt me. That lie was discovered and is out. I've accepted it. That lie was silly in the first place, almost laughable. I should have never believed his perfectly phrased promises presented with just the right amounts of bashfulness and humility.

        Secondly, he said we were going to be friends. I was ready to go back to being our pre-teen romance selves. We almost did it. Still, I can tell that I pester him. I am the last person he would invite to any occasion. I once lit up his world, and now I am the bothersome stain on his favorite jeans that just doesn't seem to come off. I disgust myself, the pleading in my words and my glances that even I can sense disgusts me. Be my friend, speak to me, tell me anything, acknowledge me, hold me. He wants to help me, but only because he is obligated to do so. Not because he wants to. 

        How could I be so dumb to allow myself to be so immersed in a trivial teenage romance? I never thought I would be that girl. The average age for an American to lose his or her virginity is about sixteen. I used to think ew. I read a book in which a guy lost his virginity at age fifteen. Repulsive. Those girls on sixteen and pregnant? I was one step away from becoming one of them. Me, the grade skipper, with all my smarts and 2370 and 35. One time, D and I were walking in the hallway behind a pregnant sophomore at our school. He had us loiter a little so we wouldn't have to walk right behind her and so he wouldn't have to look at her. She was "disgusting, for keeping it at this age!" I almost burst into tears. He told me early on that if I got pregnant it would be totally up to me to keep the child or abort. What we were doing, his favorite act in the world, was pretty much the equivalent to that sophomore girl, who was probably just my age.

        I never want to judge anyone ever again. He's not who I thought he was, but then again I wasn't who he thought I was either. At least I have something that he doesn't. I have compassion. I love humanity, I truly do. I don't always love its actions or people even, but I try to see from everyone's point of view. I might hate what you do, but I love that you think differently from me. I want to learn and I want to see the world through other people's eyes. None of us think the same, and that is marvelous. I trust that while a given person may be misguided or ill, he means to do well. Our good intentions may be misplaced, but they are always good. I can and want to feel your pain.

-T.