Week of Uncertainty

        UChicago decisions come out next Monday, around "mid-afternoon." I am very frightened, but excited, because well, I honestly feel like I have a pretty good chance of getting in. This is based on my statistics, my writing ability, personality fit, and overall passion I have for the school. But this makes everything scarier. It seems that the more hope you have for something, the more frightening the possibility is of the opposite happening. I am probably being conceited, but I really just want in.
        Another thing I've noticed about my life is that if I set a goal, I always reach it. I reach it and nothing further, but essentially I get everything I want. I have gotten everything I want so far in life. I'm scared that in this college application process that I will finally have my day of failure. We'll see I guess. And if I get rejected, well then I have a few days to churn out a few more college essays/applications.
-T.

honeymooning.

        The other day I accidentally-on-purpose told D that I love him. It's true, I do, but it is hard to say. It opens the door to so much more hurt. I thought about it for a long time though, and I decided it would end up hurting me more if I never got to tell him how I really feel. Also, I do get the feeling that D is the kind of guy who wants what he can't get. The fact that I wasn't telling him I loved him made him work harder for me. Yet, I would have to tell him it eventually. If he was just going to get bored with me because he didn't have to chase me much anymore in the end, then I'd rather it be sooner and not drag it out.
        We are likely still in the honeymoon phase right now. The moments we spend together are wonderful, but still they remind me of how things used to be. It's just like the first time around, except this time I know better and I remember the last time. In the back of my mind there is always that weight, and I wonder if it will ever fade. Will we get tired of each other again? It's frightening. My friend VK has been with her boyfriend for about a year, I want to say. They still love each other so much and are so perfect together. VK is a beautiful person with a beautiful mind, though. I wonder if I could ever have that. I wonder if I could ever deserve that.
         It's true that D is a flawed human being, but so am I. I don't and can't love selective parts of him. I know him better than I have ever known anyone. I am close to him like I have been close to no other. There is no reason for me to keep my feelings to myself, no matter how complex they are. If he can't handle them, I'd rather know sooner than later. I can only hope that he can remember that I make mistakes too and he won't back out at the first sign of trouble. For now, D makes me more happy than anything. I sure hope it lasts this time around. I won't know for a while I guess.
-T.

ready.

        I just finished watching Freaky Friday, which, no matter what anyone says, is a wonderful movie. It's a classic and all the acting is great and the plot is perfect and it shows a lot about understanding and love and family and it's funny and has great characters and honestly I am a fan of the musical performances as well as the references. This is Lindsay Lohan in her prime. I used to be a huge Lindsay Lohan fan, you know? LLRocks for lyfe. Well, anyway . . . 
       The ending of that movie is so perfect, but it made me feel kind of heart sick. I really want to feel the excitement of dating someone wonderful and perfect, and then falling into a comfortably stable love. As I say this, I can't help but feel scared as well. How many times will my heart have to palpitate with insatiable excitement only to be broken? What if a real stable marriageable type of love never occurs for me? It happens to people, some people just die alone without ever having such a love. I want to date someone wonderful, but I am so sure that I still have a lot of growing to do. I also feel like it would be futile to start a relationship senior year, that's just asking for heartbreak. I don't want to get my hopes up for anyone. 
        Another thing that makes it particularly sucky is that nothing will ever be like the first love. That naive trust and feeling of total security will never be there again. There's nothing that can measure up to that. The same goes for the first sex. No real worries, just utter trust and bliss and immersion. If it's awkward or fumbly or strange, it doesn't matter because the excitement and the everything overtakes it. First love is novel and amazing and strange.
        If only we could just know when the right relationship had come along. We wouldn't let ourselves go too deep with the other ones. Then, why would we even bother wasting our time on the others then? They are just as important, and all of that experience helps to get us ready for the right relationship. I'm going to avoid saying the right person, because nobody is ever exactly right for another. You work the relationship out and become perfect for each other. By making all of those earlier mistakes, we get closer to becoming someone else's soul mate.
        I want to say that while I am afraid, I am ready for someone new to come in my life. I want to share with someone all that I am. I want to learn more, if that's all that I can get out of the relationship. I want to experience more, even while I risk my heart. While those seemingly needless heartbreaks suck, they are just as important as the love that will never end in heartbreak. 
Such is the beauty of the mind-blowing game called love.
-T.

response to ANGER.

        I read NS's blog post from back in March about myself. It was about how I ended my friendships with her and everyone else because I felt they were fed up with me. It all started with a little facebook comment of mine that was a little rash. About ten or so people started attacking me for it, and I apologized, as I realized my sarcasm might not have come across the right way on facebook. I also said that nothing I would say would matter, as they would still hate me no matter what. NS described this as being childish and selfish of me. I really don't understand. I mean, I definitely understand why that comment could be considered childish. It was. However, I wasn't the one personally attacking anyone. Still, I can't defend myself, for fear of others misconstruing my comments as being selfish and making excuses for myself.
        In the midst of this I sent my "friends" a message essentially saying that it was okay if they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I recognized that I'm a terrible person who damaged my friendships forever. I didn't want to drag on friendships that would be filled with remembrances of  the terrible things I had said. I told them from then on I'd deal with my problems myself. I didn't want to have "friendships" that would be tense. I didn't want them to feel obligated to invite me places and talk to me if they didn't want to. I apologized for dumping all my shit on them and filling their lives with unnecessary negativity.
It was interpreted as attention-whoring and pity-seeking.
NS wrote nice things back to  me, saying she'd always be my friend and whatever. On the contrary, in her blog post she wrote that I'm like a child, and I need to grow up. I'm an extreme complainer (which I already knew) and I don't care about others because I'm so wrapped up in my own problems. Others have problems too, but they don't complain because they don't want to dump their shit on everyone else. 
        This was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid by sending that message. I should have kept everything to myself in the first place, which is what I said. I tried to remove pain for everyone by removing myself from their lives. Instead it became me trying to inject more angst into their lives. I still feel this way. I should change this post from past tense to present tense, because I know everyone is still sick of me. I don't understand why I expected others to listen. I am one of the most selfish people I know. 
-T.

why i'm doomed:

        The key to happiness is having a positive outlook on life, and to see adversity as challenges, not threats. Happy people are hopeful for the future. Easy enough, now change.

        Not so fast. The odds for American success are outstandingly in my favor. I'm going to get into a top university, I'm smart, I'm going to make lots of money. Yet, how can I be hopeful when all the odds for happiness are against me? As I have mentioned previously, my parents parented in the authoritarian style, so I'm going to be successful, but depressed. My parents argued often and my childhood was seriously annoying. Studies show that I will probably end up just like my parents, especially my mother. I can already see it in the way I treat my sister, and the way I treated BD. Fuck me.

        My parents were always hard on me, and if I did well on something, they never congratulated me. I was only reprimanded for what I did wrong, or what I was going to do wrong in the future. As psychology predicted, I am repeating this behavior now even without my parents' help. You will parent yourself as you once were parented.

        Since I always pretty much had some kind of trivial family drama, I was always used to having a lot of annoying drama in my life. Now I subconsciously search for that in all of my relationships. If something I have is healthy and stable, it feels wrong. I have to do something to mess it up. Most of the time I won't realize I'm doing it. Most of the time it just feels right to be making all these confrontations with people. Occasionally I realize what I'm doing. I do it anyway. A relationship doesn't feel normal to me unless I'm on the verge of despair about it. 

        Knowing a  lot about psychology should help me, but it doesn't. I know everything about my own condition. I've analyzed myself through and through. Unfortunately, it doesn't change anything.

-T.