Lookism.

        It's a topic that has been on my mind increasingly. It's impossible to avoid because everyone is a lookist, including myself. I don't like that about myself. What would I think of people if I were blind? I couldn't judge people based on their looks, but I would still hear about the concept of beauty and wonder if I was beautiful. Then maybe I would judge people by their voices, and that would be almost the same thing. It's awful but everyone will always be lookist, because appearances are sensory information that the brain processes, and everything that the brain processes gets a judgment.
        The other day my parents were tuning in to their favorite Chinese TV dating show, and there was a special episode in which all the participants were handicapped. My parents couldn't watch it, saying that it was disgusting, handicapped people shouldn't expect to be able to find love, and why would they ever put that on TV. It disappoints me greatly that they think this way, and it worries me a lot that my sister has to listen to this kind of stuff. She doesn't have her own mindset yet, and all of these awful remarks will undoubtedly affect her.
        I grew up obsessed with my appearance, and not really being able to stand it. In hindsight, it was abnormal and unhealthy how much I worried about how I looked. I still think about my looks a lot, though certainly not as much. I want to erase my judgments, but I can't. Even while I'm painting, I wonder to myself, why do I like these colors better, why am I trying to make it all beautiful? When I see beautiful women on Tumblr, I can't help but to marvel at them. Their hips and breasts and collarbones and lips and lashes entrance me. I only reblog the most beautiful of the beautiful, and why? Why do I love shoes? I love art and I have a profound appreciation for beauty, and while I relish in all of the beautiful things it also disturbs me and I don't know how to avoid it.
       I try my best not to comment on people's appearances, even compliments, because any reaction at all to one's looks reinforces their importance. When my friends talk about how gorgeous someone is, I just stay quiet and nod uncomfortably, because I'd rather talk about that person's personality. That's not to say that I haven't noticed how pretty that person is, but I try not to give it too much weight. When DC tells me about how much she hates her looks I don't know what to say. I give her the appropriate positive feedback and tell her how pretty I think she is, because she is, but I wish I didn't have to at all. I wish it wasn't important to her and I know that whatever I say won't change her self-image anyway. When LE looks at me naked and I look at him and we both marvel at how perfect the other is, it feels awesome. But why? Visual stimulus is incredibly pertinent to sexual arousal, it's built into our evolutionary code, and I love being able to enjoy it. At the same time it still bothers me. It especially makes me squeamish when people talk about how beautiful JD is. She is beautiful, there is no denying that, but it's not glamorous because I know how she got there. All of her starving and the isolation and the deception amounted to these petty compliments.
       The only way I can come to terms and be okay with my own lookism is if I am conscious of it. I'll allow myself to appreciate beauty, but I also need to make sure that I am not making any judgments on a person's worth based upon his or her looks. I have to appreciate beauty for what it is, and nothing more.
-T.

congrats, grad.

        Unrelated to the topic of this post, but this morning I took the SAT Math 2 subject test. If I don't 800 this one I don't think I will be able to excuse myself. I got a 780 on the chemistry, which is pretty bad. I can't decide whether or not I should take it again but I really don't want to. I don't think I will, just because I'm kind of thinking that today's test was the very last standardized test of high school for me. Well, with the exception of my six AP exams next year, but I'm not sure if those count.
        Yesterday, I watched the seniors graduate. It was a wonderful ceremony and since I was with the choir I got great courtside seats and got to hug every one of my favorites as he or she made the way to the stage. Best of all was when D walked past and I yelled, "HI D!" and he just shrugged me off and barely acknowledged me. Everyone else was very warm and enthusiastic though. It's hard not to take his apathy towards me personally, especially when I see him so warm towards other girls. I'm not looking for anything other than an acknowledgment of our friendship and connection. I'm sure people around me were thinking I was a weird person saying hi to someone I clearly didn't know or something. It really bummed me out more than it should have.
         I went to this kind of awkward grad party of this girl I don't really know. I only went because her brother invited me, but that was awkward too because I haven't seen her brother since we went to prom my sophomore year . . . I left early hoping to be able to make it to LE's party, but didn't, but whatever. The most unfortunate part was that I didn't get to snag any free beer at the first party or anything.
        DC spent the whole party with me, and she is cool. She brought up the fact that even though we are pretty close and have fun together, we probably are not going to hang out. She's right. It's like when people say "yeah gurl, let's totally hang out this summer!" but you both know you never will. It's just hard to admit, especially with someone as cool as her. I really do want to hang out with her, but she is so right. She's not a planner, and I'm indecisive as hell. People around me graduating is really making me realize how close to so many endings I am. If I don't hang out with these people or get to know these people, I never will. If I don't have classes with these people my senior year, I never will. Before it was always a possibility of, "no classes together this year? next year then!" No more. No more excuses and chances. I'm still too suckishly indecisive to do anything about it though.
       I'm just feeling sort of lame and lonely. I called D just to chat because for some reason I still do that when I am bored, but he was at a party so couldn't really talk. I don't really have anyone that I can just call and chat with for no particular reason, other than JD maybe, but I feel like a nuisance. I know she probably doesn't find me a nuisance, but still. As for D, I feel like he almost deserves me being a nuisance for him, so that's why I still call him if I'm bored out of my wits. It's kind of strange how lonely and silly one can feel for really no good reason at all.
Too much finality, too little focus.
-T.


UPDATE: (after graduations pictures went on facebook)
BD: So read your card a few days ago... thank you, it was very nice :) ... whydidntigetapicturewithyouatgraduation???
oh so NOW you are sorry for blatantly ignoring me at graduation!!! sadlfkjasdlfk

motivations

We are all motivated by different underlying factors. Some of them are so strong that they define much of our personalities and actions.
Here's what I have off the top of my head.

• my father - pride
• my mother - appearing sane and popular
• my sister - feeling grown up
• JD - perfection
• XK - feeling smart and sensitive
• D - shielding himself from emotional pain, sex
• EG - being faylor swift
• NS - protecting everybody
• SC - beauty in every sense of the word. her sense, at least.

The rest I haven't quite figured out yet, including myself.
-T.

P.S. I'm not trying to simplify people! I could never capture a person in a few words, or a novel, or even a library.  Everyone is so complex and wonderful seriously I love it.

Judge me.

Here's a recap of a conversation from last week:
JD: blah blah something about my 7th grade ACT
XK: Oh what did you get?
JD: I don't feel like I should have to tell you.
XK: Well why, just curious.
T: Well I would hope that you are good enough of friends that you wouldn't need to make a judgment on her based on her ACT score.
XK: It's not a judgment, I'm just curious.
JD & T: blah blah something about how it is a judgment because that's human nature, if you know something you are going to judge it.
XK: *angry flustered huffy*


        JD told us her 7th grade ACT score just a bit later, because she honestly didn't care. What mattered was that XK just wouldn't drop it, and insisted that she wasn't going to judge. We tried to explain to her that even though she didn't mean to judge, she would. Human nature automatically processes information by means of judgment. That's just life. It doesn't mean she is a judgmental person just because she makes judgments.
        It was a while ago, and it didn't seem like that was such a big deal. Today I asked XK if she would please contribute something to our group project, since it was a group project and she hadn't been there on the work days. She started going off on a tangent about how she shouldn't put in her own ideas because we were going to shoot down her ideas in front of the class. She said that she hates it when people accuse her of being something she's not. It took me a while to figure out what the hell she was talking about.
        I tried really hard to explain to her that we weren't trying to accuse her of anything. Just because she made a judgment doesn't mean she is a bad person. Freaking everybody makes judgments. She went on to say that maybe JD and I were the judgmental ones, not her. Maybe I should think before I speak because I don't know what others are sensitive about. Okay, I'll admit that oftentimes I am insensitive and not think before I speak. However, this was definitely not one of those times. I was very very deliberate in what I was saying, and tried my best to come off as constructive and not offensive. I guess it didn't work, especially when she went on to accuse us of exactly the thing that she said she hated being accused of. Apparently we were trying to impose our ideas on her. Our idea that people shouldn't need to have labels of their standardized testing scores attached to them is silly.
        She keeps saying that we are going to embarrass her in front of the class when we present our project. Does she really believe that? I asked her if we embarrassed her in front of anyone that day. She admitted no, but embarrassing her for herself was more than enough. XK also says that she won't forget what we did to her that day. We hurt her and imposed our ideas on her. Does she not realize that she hurts me too? I'm hurting because she takes my help the wrong way. Was there anything that I could have said to make it okay? Are some people just like this? I don't give up on people ever because I don't believe that they are just like that. I think that they really do know better and want better for themselves. That notion of mine always gets me into more trouble. With everyone.
        I think it says more about her that she couldn't take criticism than that she tried to make a judgment. She can't see herself objectively, and she can't see herself as being less than wonderful. She is so smart and hardworking, and mad props to her. However, because of that, she is so damn arrogant. She is not mature, yet she thinks she is because of her numbers. She's just naive. I was only trying to help, and I told her so. She said she didn't want my help. Once again, I'm seeing that the most important ideas in life can only be learned through experience. I'm afraid that when she does learn it, it will be from people who aren't so considerate. She's going to meet hoardes of arrogant bitches in college and in life. They're not going to excuse her so easily. They will be infinitely less sensitive to her feelings.
       I told XK that I was sorry. I'm not sorry though. I mean, I am sorry for hurting her feelings. I'm not sorry for saying what I did. I truly considered her to be a very good friend of mine. I guess we're not that great of friends if I can't assert my opinions and not have her get all defensive and attacking. I don't mean to hurt anyone.
        Can people change? Do people change? Do people want to change? I believe that they can and do and will, but maybe that's just because I'm me. If I could be truly insensitive, life would be so easy. People don't know how much they hurt me when they act like this. XK is a wonderful person, but she needs to grow, as do all of us.
-T.

 

companionship.

A response to JD's most recent entry:

Dear JD,

        Though I'm not sure who I really am, I feel like you are the person around whom I come closest to finding myself, if that makes any sense. I can't act myself around my family. I can't act myself around most of my other friends. There is always a large element of fakery. I don't have to dumb myself down around you, and if I feel like acting stupid I am able to, without any hardcore judging.

        Also, it really makes me feel special and useful when you rant to me about your issues. I haven't ever had someone who understood me so much and didn't think I was a total snob. You help me remember that perhaps I am sane, in a world where nobody understands nor cares to. Whenever I try to talk how I normally want to talk, people around me write me off as purposely pretentious. Whenever I complain about my life, I am unappreciative of all that I have and only see the negative in things. Both of those things are probably true, but it doesn't help me any when people just write me off because of them.With the negativity factor, it is highly self-perpetuating. I look for rejection in everyone I meet, and when I am looking for the rejection I give them the reason to reject me.

        I don't like to hang out with people because somehow whenever I do I feel guilty. I don't quite understand why. I know my parents would always penalize me when I was younger if I wanted to hang out with other kids. They would act extremely irritated and make me do double violin practice time, double the problems they would assign for me, and/or extra chores. They don't do that kind of thing anymore, and partially because I just stopped hanging out with people, but I guess now I still associate having a good time with a need to be punished. Now my parents are so used to me not having a social life that if I happen to have something to do they think that something big is happening and I am all of a sudden about to be distracted from my studies. My mother especially believes that the moment I go to someone's house I am going to stop caring about school. Every day now she wastes about an hour of my already scarce time to just talk to me nonstop about how I'm a big slut and I don't care about anything. Yet, I don't even do anything outside of school.

        I don't have best friends because like you, I am afraid of being hurt. In the future I can only see people leaving me, separating and going off to different schools and splitting and leading their own lives without me, as they have so often done in the past. Of course, for now there is no imminent danger of you abandoning me. Yet, as the past has also shown, that safety can evaporate at any point. What is the point of dubbing a person as your best friend if you have no idea what the future will hold? Then you will still have that awkward label attached, and not the real companionship, just as has happened with you and A. Not applying that label makes things easier. No commitments or expectations, no exclusions and no complications. It's also kind of hard to accept that you could be my best friend, because that position for you is already filled with a handful of people. I would count myself as your backup confidante because none of your best friends will listen.

        Still, our friendship is like nothing that I have had before. If I could allow myself to have a best friend at all, you would be it. 

-T.

sustenance.

Here is a post that really is long over due.

        I don't have best friends, but if I had to choose one, I know who I would pick. She is the only person who just seems to understand me and my obnoxious train of thought. We find consolation in each other that we are not alone. She is gorgeous and she is one of the only people I know who legitimately loves to help people and to learn. She is so smart and pretty much famous. I can't say here what she is famous for, or even her initials, lest they betray her identity, so I will just refer to her as JD, for Jane Doe. In a way, her reputation has caused her a lot of pressure. She has too much impossibility to live up to.

        About two months ago, JD went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with recurring clinical depression. Peculiar that the only person who I can truly empathize with is one who is clinically depressed. She got prescribed an antidepressant. She had bad side effects with it, so now she is on another medication that is really working better her. Her depression has really faded. I am so happy for her, and it gives me hope for myself.

        However, just as JD's depression faded, another recurring affliction of hers returned, and worse than ever. Anorexia nervosa has taken over her life. She eats about 100 calories a day. All her thoughts are of food, how she is going to avoid it, how she can hide her diminishing body from her mother, how she feels her heart palpitating and she is on the verge of blacking out any moment. None of JD's other friends understand. They either yell at her about it, threaten to tell authority figures, or avoid her altogether. They take it personally, thinking that how many calories she eats equates how much she cares about them. They don't understand that anorexia is an addiction. In an addiction, life becomes substance above all else. 

        I have so much guilt. I try to help her. I know that I am all she has. She can't even tell her psychiatrist because she will be considered a danger to herself, so her parents will know. The worst is that she knows how much it is harming her. She knows she was happier +17 pounds ago. She knows that even when she gets to her thin goal she will not be happy. It's nearly impossible to hang out with JD anymore because she cannot be around food so she would rather avoid everything altogether. She sees how this is killing her. As she tells me, anorexia is JD's best friend.

        All we can talk about now is her addiction. Her beautiful spirit is sunken.
        I need to help her call it back. 
-T.