byeeee :[

        I wrote my favorite seniors some lengthy letters, since tomorrow is their last day of school. I just want to let them know that they will be missed and that they really impacted my life. I am so proud of all of them and I care about them so much. This afternoon I was writing them and I just ended up bawling while listening to some quality crying songs.
        It's so strange to see that the potentiality of losing a friendship, just because of someone moving onto a new stage of life or going far away or whatever reason, really makes me realize the value of that friendship. Before, I really thought that there were only a handful of people I really appreciated fully. Yet, I must have written ten letters or so! After one person read his, he came up to me and told me it was so sweet and so nice of me and gave me a hug. I almost started to cry right then and there. They're not even leaving yet, imagine how it will be tomorrow. I must arm myself with the waterproof mascara!
       This reminds me yet again that life moves so quickly. There were so many people I needed to have more time with. There was so much unfinished business. There were also so many seniors that I meant to talk to and get to know but I never took the chance too. I guess that's what those letter were for. I couldn't leave anything unsaid. I couldn't have them leave without them knowing what they mean to me, and to make sure they keep in touch with me. Everything we've been through together has really shaped me as a person. 
         Once again, words are not enough to describe my mixed feelings of gratitude, regret, appreciation, nostalgia, joy, attachment, and so much more. So many people have touched my life, there is no way for me to show enough how I appreciate that. 
THANK YOU: LE, SC, D, KA, TT, ZJ, SJ, AJ, XK, RA, ZV, WA, & countless others!!
-T.

bukahlolololol

        Taking a new vow in honor of BZ. I'm going to stop telling people my stats and numbers. I don't need people judging me, even if it's for better. I don't want them to see me as numbers. I'm more than that and I don't need people to make snap judgments of me before they bother to get to know me. Originally I told people my stats because I felt I needed to prove myself. I was so sick of people assuming that I'm a dumb slut. Before I even got felt up by anyone, I was told by a very good friend of mine that the common thought around school is that I sleep around. Kay sweet. By letting my scores smear around school I got people to look at me in a different light. Some people still see me as a slacking slut who just gets good scores. For instance, the math team oralist whom I assisted at state admitted to me that she was pleasantly shocked when I actually pulled through and did all and more of what she asked of me. Maybe I am a slut though, I don't know. If any attractive nice smart cute funny boy professed his undying love and commitment for me for a satisfactory period of time, I'd be a slut again for sure.
        Now that I've been the a school slut and I've been an academic pride, I'm satisfied that I have seen as many ends of the spectrum as I will. The former as funny and attention-getting, and the latter feels nice and confidence-boosting,  but it's all just really stupid anyway. I mean, I'm fairly certain that a lot of people know what I got on my tests, but I'm hoping that it'll all quiet down. It might be too late to stop their knowledge of my numbers, but I'm sure there are a lot of people who don't know. 
        BZ didn't have to tell people in the first place because everyone already knew he was amazing and could assume the best anyway. For me, people are going to assume that if I don't feel like telling them, then I got a sucky score. At this point I'm thinking that they can wonder what they want. It doesn't matter. It's not that I'm embarrassed of my scores, or that I feel the need to hide my achievements. I want people to get to know me for me, and not for my numbers. They can know my numbers after they get to know me I guess, but there's always bound to be complication. XK is the same girl who wouldn't speak to me for a week after she found out I had beat her SAT score by 150 or so. This is the same girl who stayed angry with me for a long time because I was voted to an arbitrary leadership position that didn't even matter, while she barely received any votes. There are countless other belittling things she has said about others whom she considers to be lesser people than she is. It's not her fault, she doesn't know any better, but I'd like to see her grow.
        In essence, I'm pulling a BZ because I want to minimize any preconceptions that people might have of me. I don't mind people thinking that I'm smart, I don't mind that at all. It's just that I'd rather have them learn it through intellectual conversation with me, and not with some silly test number. Anyway, those numbers truly mean nothing at this moment. It would be much easier and feel better to surprise people with something amazing and tangible, like acceptance into my dream school, which will have to wait.
-T.

motivations

We are all motivated by different underlying factors. Some of them are so strong that they define much of our personalities and actions.
Here's what I have off the top of my head.

• my father - pride
• my mother - appearing sane and popular
• my sister - feeling grown up
• JD - perfection
• XK - feeling smart and sensitive
• D - shielding himself from emotional pain, sex
• EG - being faylor swift
• NS - protecting everybody
• SC - beauty in every sense of the word. her sense, at least.

The rest I haven't quite figured out yet, including myself.
-T.

P.S. I'm not trying to simplify people! I could never capture a person in a few words, or a novel, or even a library.  Everyone is so complex and wonderful seriously I love it.

Judge me.

Here's a recap of a conversation from last week:
JD: blah blah something about my 7th grade ACT
XK: Oh what did you get?
JD: I don't feel like I should have to tell you.
XK: Well why, just curious.
T: Well I would hope that you are good enough of friends that you wouldn't need to make a judgment on her based on her ACT score.
XK: It's not a judgment, I'm just curious.
JD & T: blah blah something about how it is a judgment because that's human nature, if you know something you are going to judge it.
XK: *angry flustered huffy*


        JD told us her 7th grade ACT score just a bit later, because she honestly didn't care. What mattered was that XK just wouldn't drop it, and insisted that she wasn't going to judge. We tried to explain to her that even though she didn't mean to judge, she would. Human nature automatically processes information by means of judgment. That's just life. It doesn't mean she is a judgmental person just because she makes judgments.
        It was a while ago, and it didn't seem like that was such a big deal. Today I asked XK if she would please contribute something to our group project, since it was a group project and she hadn't been there on the work days. She started going off on a tangent about how she shouldn't put in her own ideas because we were going to shoot down her ideas in front of the class. She said that she hates it when people accuse her of being something she's not. It took me a while to figure out what the hell she was talking about.
        I tried really hard to explain to her that we weren't trying to accuse her of anything. Just because she made a judgment doesn't mean she is a bad person. Freaking everybody makes judgments. She went on to say that maybe JD and I were the judgmental ones, not her. Maybe I should think before I speak because I don't know what others are sensitive about. Okay, I'll admit that oftentimes I am insensitive and not think before I speak. However, this was definitely not one of those times. I was very very deliberate in what I was saying, and tried my best to come off as constructive and not offensive. I guess it didn't work, especially when she went on to accuse us of exactly the thing that she said she hated being accused of. Apparently we were trying to impose our ideas on her. Our idea that people shouldn't need to have labels of their standardized testing scores attached to them is silly.
        She keeps saying that we are going to embarrass her in front of the class when we present our project. Does she really believe that? I asked her if we embarrassed her in front of anyone that day. She admitted no, but embarrassing her for herself was more than enough. XK also says that she won't forget what we did to her that day. We hurt her and imposed our ideas on her. Does she not realize that she hurts me too? I'm hurting because she takes my help the wrong way. Was there anything that I could have said to make it okay? Are some people just like this? I don't give up on people ever because I don't believe that they are just like that. I think that they really do know better and want better for themselves. That notion of mine always gets me into more trouble. With everyone.
        I think it says more about her that she couldn't take criticism than that she tried to make a judgment. She can't see herself objectively, and she can't see herself as being less than wonderful. She is so smart and hardworking, and mad props to her. However, because of that, she is so damn arrogant. She is not mature, yet she thinks she is because of her numbers. She's just naive. I was only trying to help, and I told her so. She said she didn't want my help. Once again, I'm seeing that the most important ideas in life can only be learned through experience. I'm afraid that when she does learn it, it will be from people who aren't so considerate. She's going to meet hoardes of arrogant bitches in college and in life. They're not going to excuse her so easily. They will be infinitely less sensitive to her feelings.
       I told XK that I was sorry. I'm not sorry though. I mean, I am sorry for hurting her feelings. I'm not sorry for saying what I did. I truly considered her to be a very good friend of mine. I guess we're not that great of friends if I can't assert my opinions and not have her get all defensive and attacking. I don't mean to hurt anyone.
        Can people change? Do people change? Do people want to change? I believe that they can and do and will, but maybe that's just because I'm me. If I could be truly insensitive, life would be so easy. People don't know how much they hurt me when they act like this. XK is a wonderful person, but she needs to grow, as do all of us.
-T.

 

shut up, bishh

Dear EG:

        You get away with being pretty. I have no idea how, because you are really bony and weird looking and have no boobs or waist or butt or even thighs to speak of. Your nose is huge and not defined in the least, and you have a ginormous forehead. Your eyebrows are too long, they don't frame your features correctly.Your lips are thin but still big, in a way that makes them fishy and floppy. When you laugh your eyes go even smaller than mine and your neck bones or whatever pop out and you get this double chin that isn't even some healthy plump, but weird saggy skin. Still, you're "pretty." Actually, D said you're hot. I really don't see it, but good for you.

        You don't even laugh at anything worth laughing about. Sometimes I think you're just fake, but then I realize that that's who you are. Just an artificial "pretty" girl who can't carry on a meaningful conversation because you have nothing meaningful in your brain. Sure, you can chat about classical music, which is special, but that's because you are a fake Asian. Seriously though, your favorite celebrities are Korean pop stars, and you are HISPANIC. What are you trying to do? You got into U of I on a generous scholarship, and that's amazing, until we remember that you only got that because of affirmative action.

        Call me envious. Sure, I am. You are so nice and you get everyone to like you (until they realize what a bore you are.) Someday I just know that you will be a wonderful trophy wife. You are so domestic and you love cooking and shopping and fashion and children. Yet you will never intimidate any man by showing any hint of special intelligence or deep conversationalism. Lucky you.

        For now, I am just especially sick of the way that it seems that you have stolen my life. As my wonderful AP U.S. History teacher, Mr. RT would say, you "raped the fields" of everyone who once brought me joy. Do what you want, but please stop rubbing it in my face. Please stop posting facebook statuses every day about how you are going this place or that place with all these people who would once go to these places with me. Please stop writing on the walls of people who would once write on mine. You've taken one of my best friends, ZJ, away from me. He was my closest tie to normal friendship. Your existence caused D and NS and XK and SJ and CJ and I'm sure countless others to realize what I drag I am compared to you. They are happier with you now. That's fine, but please stop reminding me of all this.

        I have never in my life hated anyone like I hate you now. I am glad you will never read this, because it is horrible. It would only serve to remind you and everyone else why I am despised.

-T.

to not feel.

       I feel like a terrible person. Everyone is trying to make me happy. Those who have given up on me just don't know what to do anymore because I'm so far gone. I'm going to try to remove myself from those people, so that they don't have to look at me and feel simultaneous intense pity and extreme annoyance. I'm taking so much out on XK. It's not her fault, and I feel horrible. I just don't understand why. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, as D likes another girl now. Clearly I never meant anything to him, and he was just itching to get on with his life. I'm disgusted with myself. My actions and words and thoughts sicken me. My mother is really frustrated. She wants to make me happy too, but she doesn't know how. She's been saying how she's going to buy me all this stuff I wanted. She doesn't know what to do. I don't blame her though, I'm just such useless complete shit. I burden everyone who talks to me or looks at me. I despise myself for infecting everybody with sadness.

       I took a nap today, a really really long nap. In fact I just woke up to eat and take a shower, and I think I'm going to go back to sleep. Sleep is my only escape. Sometimes my dreams are painful, but I don't realize it until I'm awake. It feels so good to not feel anything at all. To be numb is such an improvement to being in emotional limbo every moment. I feel like absolute shit 24/7. I miss sleep. How blissful to sleep forever.

-T.

thnx mom.

        Last night my mom walked in on me sobbing in the dark around 1:00 AM. She was concerned. I couldn't tell her what was going on with me. She kept asking and asking and eventually gave up. Today she brought it up again, and she yelled at me because I wouldn't tell her. She threatened me, saying she wouldn't help me with this or that if I didn't tell her. Why does everybody think that if they torture me, they will get what they want? Is this the way the world works, and I just am too dumb to follow?

        D makes me sick. He had a crush on XK, a good friend of mine, right before we broke up. She's fucking nerdy and dorky and even more of a school freak than I am. I don't understand. What does that say about me? What does she have that I don't? Wait I guess she's fucking happy. Why is it that the only thing I'm missing is the one everyone really wants from me? I'm so exhausted and I don't want to care anymore. I just want to dissipate into a million pieces and never be seen again. He's never going to want to be my friend even, and I don't blame him. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just stop? I'm seriously so dumb. I hate myself for caring.

        Right now I want to castrate D himself. I will do it slowly with child-proof scissors. He'll be tied down naked and humiliated, with painful clamps on his flabby nipples, his ladle tits turning more purple by the minute. I'll make him watch. I'll go at it for a while, then stop for random intervals of time. Then start again. Classic Chinese water torture method. Then I'll freeze his good-for-nothing dick. After he's fully recovered, I'll feed his wimpy taste buds a smoothie of it doused in tobasco sauce. Maybe then he will know half of the pain I hold.

-T.