misleading, oops

So I was notified that third base is oral. We did not do oral. I thought third base was vagina touching, which is what happened. That's all. Ok, now that we've cleared that up . . .
Irrelevant rambling but: I really appreciate that TO has not told me that he likes me or that I'm pretty or even that I'm hot or anything. Strangely, this is very refreshing. It allows me to keep my head clear, which is often a problem for me. Boys who tell me I'm hot or pretty are sweet, but I have to question their motives all the time. He's been a friend for a long time, and he still is. Our conversations are terribly dry and stupid, and that's perfect. With TO, I have few expectations. 
-T. 

Summer fling, don't mean a thing.

Tips 4 lyfe

It's easy to say this kind of stuff when you're not in this situation. 

Sometimes, I like getting played.

I <3 you, Weylie!

-T.

i wish...

[http://www.thingsaboutlove.com/]

Items for Which I Would Give Up All Contact with D:

• a 36 on my ACT, perhaps I'd give him up even for a superscore of 36
• guaranteed straight A's
• guaranteed straight 5's on the rest of my AP tests
• be on the top 5% wall my senior year
• a beautiful C-cup
• skinny arms and shoulders
• clear skin
• minus ten or fifteen pounds
• lots of money
• lots of shoes
• sane parents
• sanity
• charisma
• a crazy new hair color that looks good on me, platinum blonde or copper red
• a 0.7 waist-hip ratio
• pretty nails
• acceptance into my dream university
• unlimited time and space to discover and download music
• peace of mind
• being a legitimate math genius
• being a legitimately stellar writer
• delicate wrists
• skinny ankles
• no excess body hair - to never shave again!
• have non-greasy skin
• a naturally attractive person to people in general 
• the ability to make friends easily
• be instantly magnetic to boys, especially the worthwhile ones
• an attractive and fun prom date
• a sensitive, attractive, tall, and smart guy who cares about me - love is too much to ask
• a psychiatrist

-T.

all i want

        We failed because you couldn't accept me once I began to reveal myself to you. You couldn't accept that I'm a real person too, and that I make mistakes, but my mistakes don't define me. You tried to change me, and I tried to change too. I couldn't change quite quick enough for you. I couldn't quite turn my life's mindset around quick enough. We just "weren't right" for each other. We weren't the same person.
        Honestly when people say that they just "aren't the same person," it frustrates me. Did you really expect that when you were born, one person out of the nearly 7 billion in this world was also born and created just to be with you? It's highly implausible, really. Even if it is the truth, how are you supposed to find this person? Soul mates are not made for each other. Each soul mate made the other. It's a combination of sensitivity, acceptance, and compromise. Relationships fail when one of these are not met, and really all three of theses factors run into each other. 
        I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait for boys in my dating pool to catch up and know this too. They don't know how to make compromises. They are all so naive, and I don't blame them. I wish I could have stayed naive like that forever. Everything used to be so full of hope and potential. Only if I meet a guy who can give and take properly in a relationship could I allow myself to open up again. Actually, I know that's not true. I'll probably make the same mistakes and fall  head over heels for the next attractive boy who plays himself up to be sensitive and caring and shows some interest.
        I had my first "boyfriend" when I was twelve years old. I'm nearly sick of it. Statistically speaking, I most likely have another ten years of this. Some people never even find anyone. Some people have it so easy. They find that perfectly accepting person in high school, and they're set for life. I don't know how anyone could ever accept me though. I can't even accept myself. I can't even name one thing that I particularly like about myself. If you can name something positive about me, I've contemplated it and refuted it.
        "All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they're not all the same." Sometimes we never get what we really want. 
-T.

more.

[http://www.keikolynn.com/]

the female paradox

        Yesterday was the school disco dance. The dance has nothing to do with disco anymore, and is known for being the night during which the girls dress as skanky as possible. I thought I was being pretty skanky, (shiny silver sleeveless top and tube skirt,) but I didn't realize how bad everyone was going to be until I got there. Girls were pretty much wearing bathing suits and underwear.

        I spent the first half of the dance trying to find this guy I kind of liked and dance near him, but then I realized he was never going to get off of that freshman hoe. They have been texting each other whenever they watch porn or masturbate. It was funny, because he told me he avoids sluts and stupid girls. Once I realized he was a lost cause, I just flitted around and grinded on attractive guys who I didn't know. 

        What is the point of this story? I gauge my own self-worth on how much I believe guys are into me. Boys think they want a girl with brains and purity, but really they end up being hooked in by the major skanks. We write off these skanks as dumb and worthless, but then again they are getting the attention that we want (as evidenced by me, later skanking it up with random boys myself.) We are supposed to be upright and prideful, but then we are also supposed to flaunt our sexuality. The biggest skank is the most hated, but she also reaps the most benefits. 

What's a girl to do?

-T.

improvement.

        I realized that I spent almost a whole day not thinking about D. Seriously it's hard to imagine that I could have done that. March 22 is approaching, and I never thought that I would really be able to meet that goal. Now I guess I really can. I'm not pushing it back, as I thought that I might have.

        I have a date with a super mega hottie, PK, on the 22nd. Tuesday. I wonder what it will be like. Honestly he's not much of a conversationalist, but I bet he sucks good face. He has a complete player reputation, but at this point I don't know if I care. I'll just see how it goes and try not to get too involved. He would make a hot bofo though :P hahaha jk not yet.

        My mom called me a slut today. She says that she thinks I must have "needs" far more than other girls my age. Why else would I always be in such a hurry to find boys??? Wait. Hello? Does she think I go looking for these boys? Anyway, if a cute boy with nothing wrong with him asks me to hang out, what am I supposed to say, no, because I don't have needs? or some shit?? Wait WHAT. Then she cites all of my past boyfriends as proof that I just go around with anyone who comes my way. This is confirmation bias at its finest. Obviously I don't tell her about the boys who I reject, so she only ever hears about the ones who ask me and I don't reject. So ultimately she assumes that all she knows is all that is, and that I never reject anyone. Okay. When I try to object, and tell her that she is really being quite offensive, she pulls more "evidence" from out of her butt to try and prove to me how big of a slut I am. This evidence consists of "remember that one lame boyfriend? and this one guy who kept calling you but you never yelled at him to stop? and when you wanted a cell phone obviously so that you could talk to boys all day and night?" She really cannot understand how hurtful and arbitrary she is. If only she knew the whole truth, of how far I went with D, what would she think of me? Really I don't even know why I try with her anymore, because I'm going to be out of there soon anyway, and I know that she is a complete lost cause. If I try to take issue with her, she pushes it even further. Why is it that my own mother is one of the only people who doesn't know the truth, yet she can't even accept the stupid facade I make for her?

She knows nothing and yet despises everything.

-T.

canidie??

Francisco Lachowski

wha... ??

        So.. D's best friend since childhood or something just asked me out on a date. I only met the guy, MP, once before. Totally did not see that coming. I think I'm not ready yet, and I let him know that. I told him to ask me again in a few weeks. I hate to turn anyone away or close any doors, and I hope I didn't just do that. He understands though. Anyhow, I think it's helping me get used to the idea of moving on and letting someone else in. 

Also, he's pretty cute I think. :]