mental illnesses rant

        Talking with D reminds me that there is another type of totally unempathetic human being. Ah, now I remember why I couldn't stand him and sometimes still can't. Many times I forget that those people even exist. Their unilateral thought processes don't make any sense to me at all. Mental illness is as real a disease as any other. You wouldn't blame someone for having cancer, why would you blame someone for having a mental disorder? This is a very common misconception amongst people, and it really worries me.
        Many mental illnesses, from anorexia to depression to schizophrenia are based on compulsive thoughts or behaviors. Can people with compulsive thoughts and feelings just stop? By definition, if they could just stop, then their symptoms wouldn't be called compulsive. D insists that depression and such are not diseases, but just emotions. The dictionary definition of a "disease" is pretty much any abnormality that causes harm. Beyond that, indexes such as the DSM-IV define specific diseases. When one seeks treatment, the doctor does not simply talk to you for a bit and say, "well it seems like you have such and such disease." There is a checklist and a process for diagnosis. This is not a matter of opinion, there are set definitions.
       Disorders are not a matter of choice. Does it make sense that, given the choice, a person would say, "oh I want to be alcoholic and have OCD"? At the basis of these disorders, it becomes substance above all else. It is a relief of the compulsive thought through compulsive behaviors over all else. Why is it that people think that the brain is invincible and cannot succumb to any diseases, while the rest of our body can? The brain is a complex, fascinating, and phenomenal organ. With its complexity, there are any number of ways that the wirings and neurotransmitters and processes can malfunction. Why downplay its complexity by writing things off as choice or a simple mood, when there is so much more? When we question our world and ourselves, we can truly learn more.
        As for D, his empathetic failure is a complete turn off. It does not make him seem manly, only ignorant and close-minded. It is his greatest flaw, and it clashes with one of my greatest passions. I can only hope that he takes his college psychology class to heart. I really need to think about things.
-T.

a humbling conversation.

        I just called up D. I told him I missed him. I asked if he would ever consider trying again, or if I was out of his life for good. He said not for a while. How long was a while? Weeks? Years? Decades? Years. To me, years just means no. We won't know where we'll be in so many years. We'd lose touch for sure. To him, that means a fresh start. I heard from someplace that if guys meet the right girl too early on, it sucks because they won't want her right then. They need to be wild and stupid for a few years.They'd want to have met her in the future, when they are ready to settle down. Is that what this is? Doubt it, but I hate it. 

        Also, I let him know that I wouldn't mind still going to prom with him anyway, that I still thought we could have a good time. Fuck, that was embarrassing to utter. Still at least now I know that he knows that I'm okay with it. It would be one of many options for him, I guess. Whatever, I'm glad I just had the chance to get it all out and give him that idea.

        I often wonder if he ever misses me. Does he ever look back and think about all the wonderful times we had together? Remember when we loved so purely and freely? Did he think it was dumb? Does he regret it? Does he just think I am a pain in the ass now? Does he ever yearn to just hold me, like I do sometimes? These are questions I will never ask, and I will never find out the answers to. 

        Some days I think ha, I don't need til March 22, I am so over it right now! Then other times, dark lonesome nights when I have too much time to think, I feel so so empty. Will I ever be over it? How could I? How could I not? It seems so easy in theory. Just forget about the douche-bag. Forget about the douche-bag who was (maybe still is) my whole life, my basis for happiness and anger and despair. 

        I have everything I could ever want, except for the most important, "love".

-T.

(Please ignore the video, though it is amusing. I couldn't find any others of this song.)