EE & SY

        Looking back on my life, it hasn't been rough at all. I had an emotionally unfulfilling childhood and constant family conflict, but there is so much worse that could have been. I've been getting to know a girl named EE. She is a fantastic swimmer and is smart and has a job and she never sleeps, and by that I mean probably gets around 2-3 hours of sleep every night. In addition to that, she has a terrible mother who kicks her out of the house fairly often, yells at her every day, favors her sister who is not nearly as smart, and makes her pay for her own food and gas and whatever else she needs. I thought I had it bad.
        I only met EE this year and she is really funny and oddly enough she is kind of obsessed with me. She thinks that I am the most perfect person alive, and I feel strange about that. Suddenly this year I am pretty well liked in all of my classes I think, and that's never happened to me before. I was always the quiet scary one or the really annoying one, and with good reason. I don't know why EE likes me so much and I'm not sure that I deserve it at all. She has so much going on in her life, and I don't want her to think that I'm better than her in any way at all. I could never deal with all she has been through, and it makes me sad that since she had a rough year time in school at one point due to other circumstances, her chances at UChicago (also her dream school,) are greatly diminished. She deserves so much more, and I don't know why so much hardship has befallen her. Her mother makes mine look loving and tender. Most people never recognize all that she does and has to push through and that's just so unfortunate. She is so stressed all the time and I just want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, and that she doesn't deserve any of this.
        Actually, very much the same goes for another friend, SY. She's had three concussions very recently, and if you know anything about head trauma you know that that's terrible news. It's definitely going to cause serious long term problems, even if she gets better in the short term. She had to give up cheerleading, which she loves, and she is so behind in school since she hasn't been able to be there so much. And when she's at home, it's not like she can catch up. I have six classes with her, so it's very apparent to me when she isn't there for a day. When she is there, much of the time her head is hurting and EE and I help a little by squeezing her head for her during class. Everything is discouraging, and she doesn't know how to cope.
        Except, she has found coping mechanisms. I don't know if this is a recent trend but she buys random stuff like crazy. It's all really nice clothes but it is so much money for items she will wear about twice. She has tons of clothes that she already has never worn before and I think it's getting a bit excessive. In addition, she's starving herself. It can't be good for her brain that's trying to heal, not to mention the usual consequences. She is already so thin and I always really liked her body. Her mom isn't being helpful either. SY ended up not applying to her favorite college because she was so afraid of rejection and her mother was so discouraging. On the other hand, her behavior is kind of outrageous. The constant shopping and social networking and starvation are keeping her from catching up. At the same time though, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same if I were her. She is taking the toughest classes in school, and is terribly behind in them. I don't think I could handle it. It's made me realize that beauty and smarts and prestige are nothing. What you really need are stable emotions and a sound mind. Everything else you can make do with.
        My friends go through so much and I just feel so powerless. Literally none of this is through any fault of their own, and they have to suffer. I guess that's just life, but it's just so horrible. I hope so much that later in life they are happy and they get everything they have ever needed and hoped for. Right now that's just not possible because of some stupid circumstances. It all seems like the end of the world to them now, and I've been there before, but I think that just means that things can improve from there. I want everyone and everything to turn out okay.
     

mental illnesses rant

        Talking with D reminds me that there is another type of totally unempathetic human being. Ah, now I remember why I couldn't stand him and sometimes still can't. Many times I forget that those people even exist. Their unilateral thought processes don't make any sense to me at all. Mental illness is as real a disease as any other. You wouldn't blame someone for having cancer, why would you blame someone for having a mental disorder? This is a very common misconception amongst people, and it really worries me.
        Many mental illnesses, from anorexia to depression to schizophrenia are based on compulsive thoughts or behaviors. Can people with compulsive thoughts and feelings just stop? By definition, if they could just stop, then their symptoms wouldn't be called compulsive. D insists that depression and such are not diseases, but just emotions. The dictionary definition of a "disease" is pretty much any abnormality that causes harm. Beyond that, indexes such as the DSM-IV define specific diseases. When one seeks treatment, the doctor does not simply talk to you for a bit and say, "well it seems like you have such and such disease." There is a checklist and a process for diagnosis. This is not a matter of opinion, there are set definitions.
       Disorders are not a matter of choice. Does it make sense that, given the choice, a person would say, "oh I want to be alcoholic and have OCD"? At the basis of these disorders, it becomes substance above all else. It is a relief of the compulsive thought through compulsive behaviors over all else. Why is it that people think that the brain is invincible and cannot succumb to any diseases, while the rest of our body can? The brain is a complex, fascinating, and phenomenal organ. With its complexity, there are any number of ways that the wirings and neurotransmitters and processes can malfunction. Why downplay its complexity by writing things off as choice or a simple mood, when there is so much more? When we question our world and ourselves, we can truly learn more.
        As for D, his empathetic failure is a complete turn off. It does not make him seem manly, only ignorant and close-minded. It is his greatest flaw, and it clashes with one of my greatest passions. I can only hope that he takes his college psychology class to heart. I really need to think about things.
-T.

sustenance.

Here is a post that really is long over due.

        I don't have best friends, but if I had to choose one, I know who I would pick. She is the only person who just seems to understand me and my obnoxious train of thought. We find consolation in each other that we are not alone. She is gorgeous and she is one of the only people I know who legitimately loves to help people and to learn. She is so smart and pretty much famous. I can't say here what she is famous for, or even her initials, lest they betray her identity, so I will just refer to her as JD, for Jane Doe. In a way, her reputation has caused her a lot of pressure. She has too much impossibility to live up to.

        About two months ago, JD went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with recurring clinical depression. Peculiar that the only person who I can truly empathize with is one who is clinically depressed. She got prescribed an antidepressant. She had bad side effects with it, so now she is on another medication that is really working better her. Her depression has really faded. I am so happy for her, and it gives me hope for myself.

        However, just as JD's depression faded, another recurring affliction of hers returned, and worse than ever. Anorexia nervosa has taken over her life. She eats about 100 calories a day. All her thoughts are of food, how she is going to avoid it, how she can hide her diminishing body from her mother, how she feels her heart palpitating and she is on the verge of blacking out any moment. None of JD's other friends understand. They either yell at her about it, threaten to tell authority figures, or avoid her altogether. They take it personally, thinking that how many calories she eats equates how much she cares about them. They don't understand that anorexia is an addiction. In an addiction, life becomes substance above all else. 

        I have so much guilt. I try to help her. I know that I am all she has. She can't even tell her psychiatrist because she will be considered a danger to herself, so her parents will know. The worst is that she knows how much it is harming her. She knows she was happier +17 pounds ago. She knows that even when she gets to her thin goal she will not be happy. It's nearly impossible to hang out with JD anymore because she cannot be around food so she would rather avoid everything altogether. She sees how this is killing her. As she tells me, anorexia is JD's best friend.

        All we can talk about now is her addiction. Her beautiful spirit is sunken.
        I need to help her call it back. 
-T.