During practice today the coach kept making my partner and I play doubles with all these annoying varsity people. Of course they beat us but it just killed our confidence. The coach played doubles against us with someone else twice and the other side lost both times. As punishment, he made my partner and I practice serves because ours were "illegal". Yeah right. He was just mad that he couldn't get them and that he lost and that he didn't put us on varsity or something. LOL JK I'm not good enough for varsity. I was already having a really annoying day. It's not good to not sleep and have so many things to do and then find out you didn't do quite well enough on your four-day calculus exam. I mean, I did fine. I don't think it's enough to pull up my grade though. I'm still waiting on the scores for the free response sections. I hope the curve is super substantial. My friend thinks I like her brother and is really creeped out but I don't like him at all. She was the one who kept bringing up playing badminton with him and going to prom with him. Ahahaha. Prom. It feels like everyone is getting asked this week except me. Kills my self esteem. Anyway, I was in a ratty emotional state all of practice, and it just got worse and worse as the coach kept being super annoying and bitter. Near the end, my partner accidentally whacked me in the face with her racket. Before I knew it, I felt tears welling up from the pain and the shock, and then all of my day's anxiety came pouring out. Nervous breakdown #2. I sobbed and sobbed and it was beyond embarrassing. I felt bad for my partner, I made her look like a total bitch and she kept saying sorry and I explained to her that it really wasn't her fault, that it didn't even hurt that much. She was really understanding about it. She is seriously the best doubles partner ever. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. People must think I'm really wimpy, and I must be. I just need to suck it up, everyone deals with the stuff that I do. My situation isn't special. It definitely didn't warrant TWO nervous breakdowns. Anyway, I'm taking the ACT tomorrow again as part of a mandatory school exam. I guess I'm going for the 36 or something. Not that I studied or am going to get it. -T.
D and I have started talking again recently. It really doesn't mean anything, because he still likes that dork of a girl. After all, he has liked her since last year. (!) Very shortly after we started talking it became sexual. We almost started a friends with benefits kind of deal. Later I decided against it, and I'm glad. My friend broke up with her boyfriend, and they did the friends with benefits thing after that. She said it was the worst thing ever, and never to do it. You see, I knew it would have been, but I needed to hear it from someone else. For something like that to work, you have to unquestionably separate physicality and emotional connectedness. It is much easier said than done. I could tell myself over and over again that it would just be the physical portion, and he really doesn't give a shit about me, but something inside me would rustle every time if we went through with it. All I really want is for him to be my friend. I want to be able to talk to him without any ambiguity or discomfort. I don't know if I like him, but I know for a fact that I still love him. I don't like him because of how much he's hurt me. I don't like him because of how remorseless he is. I don't like him because of his insensitivity and lack of empathy. I don't like him because he made me trust him and then broke my heart. I love him because I once liked him very very much. I love him because he once made me very very happy. It's not that I love him romantically necessarily. It's just that if you care about someone so much, I don't believe that it is possible to just turn the other cheek and stop loving him. I care about him a lot. I told him all of this, and after a bit of explaining he said he understood. I also asked him a few of the burning questions I've had. He said that he really thinks that what we once had was real. I hope he's right. He also says he legitimately values me as a person. I can only hope that he isn't just telling me what I want to hear. If anything, I hope he learns from the mistakes we made together. I hope he doesn't see me as just another crazy ex-girlfriend, though I probably am one. I hope that we can both grow from this, and not necessarily apart. -T.
