How To Be Used

"I’m going to level with you. It feels pretty great at first. Why? Because you wouldn’t set yourself up to be used if you didn’t get something out of it in the first place. Maybe you’re needy. Maybe you’re insecure. Maybe you have some idyllic best-case scenario in mind regarding the user and you’re simply willing to take whatever you can get. Regardless, it starts off feeling good; you’ve got their attention—perhaps even their momentary affection—and everything is right with the world.

At some point that moment, day, month (depending on the situation) you begin to get the inclination that you represent something to this person other than what you’d hope to embody in a healthy, reciprocal, respectful relationship. But you’re still getting something out of it (validation!) so you take it, and you do your best to successfully ignore the part of your brain that’s like, “Ummm… duuuuuude…..”

Something breaks the proverbial camel’s back. Maybe you realize they’ve stopped buying you dinner and just usher you straight to their bedroom, up the back steps so their roommate doesn’t make small talk. Maybe they go off the grid for evenings at a time and then tell you they simply “crashed early.” Maybe they ask you for something so inappropriate you’re embarrassed to write about it publicly (ahem). Haaaaa but who am I kidding! If you were mentally attuned to these facts you never would’ve gotten here in the first place, would you? No, instead you’ll be telling these things to your best friends, saying things like, “But seriously, guys, I still think it’s worth salvaging,” while they kick each other under the table and visibly eye roll and go home to start a Gmail thread with the subject line, “WTF ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!”

You start to feel ill most of the hours you are awake. You live and die by communication from the person who is using you, yet you lose sight of what ‘positive interaction’ really looks, sounds, and feels like and instead settle for simply any ‘them-generated’ communication whatsoever. At some point you beg to be used. Please, come over! I will give you whiskey and Ativan and Pizza Hut! Have sex with me and leave in the middle of the night! It’s fine, my sexual needs don’t exist at all! Please, take a shit on my emotions! I will answer your whiny texts at any hour of the night! I love hearing you complain about your ex-girlfriend! It sustains me!

Concretely discern that you’re better off ignoring this person forever. Delete them from your phone (sure, you can try saving them as, “DON’T!” or “YOU’LL REGRET IT!” but your desperate drunken brain will find a way to justify it). Decide to ice them out forever. Stop making your bed because you expect them to come over (though they always promised to and never actually did, did they). Cut them off financially (foreshadowing: miraculously, they still find a way to make ends meet).

Cry. Cry a little or a lot depending on your personality. Cry in front of your friends but realize that they are so tired of your situation by now that they just wish you’d stop and let them finish watching The Bachelorette. Cry by yourself when you’re watching any television show or movie featuring happy couples, or listening to any song with a chorus that includes the word “we” regardless of context.

Take them back. Obviously. Let me reiterate that you wouldn’t get used if you had a handle on how fucked up your situation was. It’s not your fault; you don’t know better. And you won’t know better the next time you’re used either, or probably the time after that. Because you’re not an idiot. You’re not standing on a street corner with your savings account in a cardboard box wearing a t-shirt that says, “Will Fuck For a Modicum of Attention!” No, you just haven’t figured out how ‘it works’ yet.

But rest assured, someday you’ll realize you’re being used, and though it will still happen to you (goddamn your enabling personality, right?) at some point you might—might—learn to stand up for yourself.
–Sarah Heuer wants to punch you in the face."

[http://thetangential.tumblr.com/]

I don't really have much to add to this, except that you still loved being used, yes every bit of it. You don't blame that user, that precious user. He only fed you what you wanted after all. He even got what he wanted in the process, and who can blame someone for using what he has?
-T.

i lost a friend.

        I guess this really isn't anything new. It's not new in the sense that he's been lost for quite a while, and it's not new in the sense that people lose friends all the time. I am still in the process of accepting my latest loss. Near the end of my relationship with D, I asked ZJ if he would still be my friend if we broke up. His response: "Yes. You know, if I didn't want to be friends with you I could have done that a long time ago." At a point when I needed to hear them most, these were some of the most comforting words of my life.
        There is no good reason that we are not friends anymore, other than that I screwed up and pushed him away. While I did that, I guess I never really believed that I would need him again, or maybe I never really believed that he would actually leave me for good. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore. What's lost is lost. He won't speak to me. In person if I approach him he will acknowledge me, but he has told people that I seem to give him this big fake smile whenever I see him. I try to chat him up on skype, but he just ignores me. I don't know what's happening anymore. I cannot even speak to him about this. EG's existence doesn't help at all either. Our schism is simply stuck, and I suppose I did it to myself. I have no choice in the matter now.
        Losing a friend is kind of like a breakup, but I really do think it is worse. Maybe you weren't so deeply and emotionally intertwined with a friend, but it is still a heartbreak all the same. It's worse because friends are not supposed to leave you. Boyfriends come and go. They are supposed to, especially at my age. I knew in the back of my mind all along that D would leave me and that he would cut me ever so deeply. That's just how the vast majority of relationships end up. On the contrary, friendship is supposed to last past all of these hot romantic relationships. Friendship goes deeper. There is no need to say sweet nothings to your friends because they know them already and you aren't really afraid to lose them. A great friendship should be stable and comforting.
        ZJ was more than just a friend to me. He was the brother I never had. I really looked up to him. His grades weren't that great and he wasn't that good looking, but he knew what was important in life. He knew the right things to say and everyone loved him. He always got his point across, and his messages were concise and insightful. While my mind frantically tried to find comfort in a state of perpetual confusion, he was a voice of reason. Later his role came to be fulfilled even better by LE, but that didn't make me value ZJ less. As of last year, and even the beginning of this school year, ZJ was the only person from high school who I just knew I would keep in contact with. We were supposed to invite each other to dinner parties and have our kids over for play dates and have every Christmas and Thanksgiving together and laugh about all the silly things we did when we were teenagers. I couldn't, and I still can't, say that about anyone else. I looked up to him, my big brother who I was afraid of sometimes, who I would be annoying to much of the time. Now he won't look at me at all.
-T.

ready.

        I just finished watching Freaky Friday, which, no matter what anyone says, is a wonderful movie. It's a classic and all the acting is great and the plot is perfect and it shows a lot about understanding and love and family and it's funny and has great characters and honestly I am a fan of the musical performances as well as the references. This is Lindsay Lohan in her prime. I used to be a huge Lindsay Lohan fan, you know? LLRocks for lyfe. Well, anyway . . . 
       The ending of that movie is so perfect, but it made me feel kind of heart sick. I really want to feel the excitement of dating someone wonderful and perfect, and then falling into a comfortably stable love. As I say this, I can't help but feel scared as well. How many times will my heart have to palpitate with insatiable excitement only to be broken? What if a real stable marriageable type of love never occurs for me? It happens to people, some people just die alone without ever having such a love. I want to date someone wonderful, but I am so sure that I still have a lot of growing to do. I also feel like it would be futile to start a relationship senior year, that's just asking for heartbreak. I don't want to get my hopes up for anyone. 
        Another thing that makes it particularly sucky is that nothing will ever be like the first love. That naive trust and feeling of total security will never be there again. There's nothing that can measure up to that. The same goes for the first sex. No real worries, just utter trust and bliss and immersion. If it's awkward or fumbly or strange, it doesn't matter because the excitement and the everything overtakes it. First love is novel and amazing and strange.
        If only we could just know when the right relationship had come along. We wouldn't let ourselves go too deep with the other ones. Then, why would we even bother wasting our time on the others then? They are just as important, and all of that experience helps to get us ready for the right relationship. I'm going to avoid saying the right person, because nobody is ever exactly right for another. You work the relationship out and become perfect for each other. By making all of those earlier mistakes, we get closer to becoming someone else's soul mate.
        I want to say that while I am afraid, I am ready for someone new to come in my life. I want to share with someone all that I am. I want to learn more, if that's all that I can get out of the relationship. I want to experience more, even while I risk my heart. While those seemingly needless heartbreaks suck, they are just as important as the love that will never end in heartbreak. 
Such is the beauty of the mind-blowing game called love.
-T.

GTFO (!)

        I'm recalling a particular time when I was listening to my favorite radio talk show. Loveline is a radio show on which Dr. Drew Pinsky, my idol, answers listeners' difficult questions on relationships, sexuality, and mental health. You guys should all definitely check this show out if you can handle it. In the Chicago area it's on 101.1FM. It's on every Sunday through Thursday night - yes, school nights, it's probably that way on purpose - from 10PM to 12AM. It's a late show, but if you find that you have a bout of insomnia or a day off from school, it's definitely worth the listen.
        A teenage girl called, spilling forth a long, monotonous story about her troubles with her boyfriend. Dr. Drew interrupted her eventually, telling her that it was just over. He explained to her gently that when more mature people are in relationships, they learn to recognize when a relationship just won't work out. Because she was so young and inexperienced, she couldn't just let go of this faltering relationship. She couldn't recognize that it was already over.
        However, I don't think this applies to my situation with D. It used to, back when we were drifting apart in January-February. Now, there really is something that holds us together, and it isn't just our immaturity. I believe there is something to build at least a juvenile relationship on.
        I'm applying this Dr. Drew reference to friendships. I don't quite understand why NS still feels like she needs or wants to deal with EG. EG's fakery is coming out more than ever. I personally cannot stand her, and I'm glad she despises me too. However, even after EG said horrid things to NS and nobody can stand her anymore, NS still continues to be her friend. EG has ruined ZJ. Everyone can see it. I truly believe that EG needs to GTFO, but of course she won't. I don't understand how NS could continue to put up with her. If it were me, I would have rid myself of this failed and fruitless friendship long ago. I highly doubt that NS legitimately enjoys being around EG. EG is just a dumb robot. She has far exceeded her GTFO threshold. Seriously.
-T.

all i want

        We failed because you couldn't accept me once I began to reveal myself to you. You couldn't accept that I'm a real person too, and that I make mistakes, but my mistakes don't define me. You tried to change me, and I tried to change too. I couldn't change quite quick enough for you. I couldn't quite turn my life's mindset around quick enough. We just "weren't right" for each other. We weren't the same person.
        Honestly when people say that they just "aren't the same person," it frustrates me. Did you really expect that when you were born, one person out of the nearly 7 billion in this world was also born and created just to be with you? It's highly implausible, really. Even if it is the truth, how are you supposed to find this person? Soul mates are not made for each other. Each soul mate made the other. It's a combination of sensitivity, acceptance, and compromise. Relationships fail when one of these are not met, and really all three of theses factors run into each other. 
        I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait for boys in my dating pool to catch up and know this too. They don't know how to make compromises. They are all so naive, and I don't blame them. I wish I could have stayed naive like that forever. Everything used to be so full of hope and potential. Only if I meet a guy who can give and take properly in a relationship could I allow myself to open up again. Actually, I know that's not true. I'll probably make the same mistakes and fall  head over heels for the next attractive boy who plays himself up to be sensitive and caring and shows some interest.
        I had my first "boyfriend" when I was twelve years old. I'm nearly sick of it. Statistically speaking, I most likely have another ten years of this. Some people never even find anyone. Some people have it so easy. They find that perfectly accepting person in high school, and they're set for life. I don't know how anyone could ever accept me though. I can't even accept myself. I can't even name one thing that I particularly like about myself. If you can name something positive about me, I've contemplated it and refuted it.
        "All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they're not all the same." Sometimes we never get what we really want. 
-T.

SOML.

Leisure reading from Psychology Today:

"Dumped, But Not Down"
From the page:

• "[Rejection-sensitive individuals] live life in panic mode, which not only brings them relentless emotional turmoil, but also sets off the most frustrating feature of rejection-sensitivity: It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Magnifying oversights and seeing slipups as proof of catastrophe, they unleash hostility, anger, despondency, or jealousy. Their emotional storms often drive away the very people they hoped to hook.

• "The difference between a normal response to rebuffs and an oversensitive one may be summed up in one word: rumination. Highly rejection-sensitive people are also more likely to be "overthinkers" who ruminate excessively about everyday experience. Overthinking may be the engine of hypersensitivity to rejection, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, professor of psychology at Yale and author of Eating, Drinking, Overthinking."

• "They might desperately seek out intimacy and make unreasonable demands of a partner—appearing overly invested yet anticipating the partner's departure. Or they avoid intimacy altogether—averting stormy relationships but losing out on the chance to find acceptance and support. Either path puts them at risk for loneliness and depression."

• "The best remedy for rejection-sensitivity is caring friends who can tolerate defensive antics and engender trust. Downey found that among rejection-sensitive people who did manage to find and keep a loving romantic partner, reactivity abated over time."

I honestly don't really have anything to add, except Story of My Life. 
 -T.

Love or Self.

        America is the land of the self-made man, of those who stay true to themselves no matter what. They take care to never give up hope, to never relinquish their beliefs. The history of our nation has certainly contributed to that. Were we not the ones who shook off the British when they became too stifling? Did we not guarantee ourselves rights that no other nation had ever heard of? In America, individualism and standing up for oneself are virtues.

        Americans take that into every aspect of their lives, and shove it into other countries. Besides that though, I think there is a problem once that individualism is applied to relationships.

Boyfriend doesn't like your attitude? He's stifling, emotionally abusive!

Girlfriend wants you to get a haircut? She's fickle, trying to control your life!

        We jump too quickly to the conclusion that if your partner doesn't like everything about you, and he or she has some flaws that bother you as well, then you're just not right for each other. If you can't accept everything about each other right away, then it's just not meant to be, so just let it go. 

        On the other hand, isn't the point of a relationship to compromise together, to find that sweet medium? Each part of a couple should be able to take away something positive from the relationship. They should grow together. There is a certain degree of self-sacrifice that needs to be made. Of course, do take my advice with a grain of salt. If your partner cannot stand your entire existence, background, mindset, then I'm not sure this can be helped. Only change parts of yourself that you think you would stand to benefit from as well. D wants me to be happier. It took him to get me to rock bottom and help me realize how much I needed it. I want to change for myself, even more than for him. If it's that kind of a situation, then it's a win win. D hates when I wear red lipstick, but I like to just for fun. So now I only wear it when I won't see him much that day, and he will just have to bear with me. Don't sweat the little things. Don't take your partner for granted. Boy, I hope I am making sense.

        As Americans who have the idea of rugged individualism embossed on our minds, we should take a step back and realize what we really want. Is it really to preserve our flawed selves? Or we may choose to fuse them with another's, and as one hand washes the other, come out as souls more enriched than ever.

-T.