i hate drama

I'm uncomfortable. I don't know what to think and I don't want to believe certain things and I don't know motivations or rationale behind one of my friends. I don't want to jump to conclusions and I need to speak to her directly. EE's going to talk incessantly about it and be really extreme and alarmist and think the worst of it because that's just her, but it really makes me uncomfortable when she does that. I want to form my own opinions and I don't exactly trust hers, especially with her analysis of me. I don't think SM and EE are a good pair. They support each other and are good friends but they exacerbate each other's notions, even if their initial notions are correct and sound and then everything just blows up out of proportion. But it's likely that I'm just wrong about everything because that's who I am. I don't want to be in the middle of everything I just want to shut everything out but I still want to know. I want everything to be right in the world I need to speak with VK I need to speak with VK I need to speak with VK.

I'm thinking about what would happen if someone random at my school got a hold of my blog and honestly I don't even think I'd care but that's just me. I have some secrets but those I will never ever talk or post or write about anywhere, if only because it makes them concrete and real. I have successful avoided all friend drama basically since freshman year. Now that I have close-ish friends I get entangled in all their drama and it makes me anxious.

I hope VK comes to school tomorrow I want to talk to her in person I want to hear everything she has to say texting and chats are stupid.
-T.

INFJ

I've been thinking about my Myers-Briggs type a lot lately, especially since I found that two of the people that I love the most and have the best conversations with are INFJ as well. I think that's remarkable, considering it is the most rare type and consists of about 1-3% of the population. YI and VK are so cool and funny and intellectual and great and I'm really glad to be categorized with them. I have to ask SC what her type is, because I have a suspicion that she could be as well. She's someone who I can not talk to for months or probably even years, and still get along with and feel close to.

Read all about me here.

I don't think that I have an especially strong intuition the point of being psychic, but here are some things that really stand out to me:

• "INFJs grow up feeling “different” from their peers. The more pronounced their Introversion and Intuition, the more estranged they are likely to feel. Young INFJs also feel misunderstood by their elders, who can be quick to ignore or dismiss their precocious insights and observations. If given unsympathetic circumstances, INFJs may come to feel isolated or rejected rather early in life."
• "Growing out of their distrust of first-blush appearances, INFJs are reluctant to trust majority opinion. They are often the last to read a bestseller, feeling that if everyone else (i.e., the majority of whom are prone to being fooled by appearances) thinks it is good, it probably is not worth their time. Like INTs, however, INFJs can be suckers for a good conspiracy theory, appealing to their sense that “most things are not what they seem.”"
• "They rival and resemble INTs in their level of openness and hunger for new ideas and perspectives. In some regards, they may actually eclipse INTs with regard to intellectual openness, readily appreciating both science and literature, fiction and nonfiction, poetry and prose."
• "The inner world of INFJs in many ways resembles the outer world of ENFPs. It is playful, colorful, mischievous, and daring." --LE is ENFP and this is so true. I couldn't put my finger on it before but this is exactly what makes us so compatible. He brings out a lot of the things that I am inclined keep in my head.
• There is also a reference to INFJs loving shoes. This is so strange and perfect.
• "Many INFJs struggle with bouts of depression, which may relate to any number of things. They may, for instance, get depressed when they feel their creative inspiration has left them. Or, because of their otherworldliness, they may struggle with feeling deeply alone and misunderstood. Depression may also stem from feeling dissatisfied in their careers or relationships. They may dream of having a beautiful home adorned with beautiful things, but feel stuck in a low-paying job that they are reluctant to quit because of a poor economy."
• "Perhaps more than anything, INFJs love spending time engrossed in meaningful conversation. Because of their verbosity and enjoyment of others’ company, they can easily be mistaken for Extraverts."
• "They often feel more like recipients than they do creators of their ingenious ideas"
• "Fe plays a role in perceiving and empathizing with others’ emotions. It helps INFJs intuitively recreate another’s emotion state within themselves. This allows them to know from within what another person is experiencing. This ability to profoundly empathize with others allows INFJs to understand and counsel people more effectively than any other type."
• "In many cases, INFJs do not know fully understand what their Ni is telling them until they are given the opportunity to verbalize it. They may have a hunch or a gut feeling, but the content of the intuition remains somewhat nebulous until it is expressed via their Fe."
• "They can also seem quite intense in their communication since their words are infused with the emotion of their Fe. Consequently, their expressions may seem exaggerated, dramatic, or irrational, especially to Thinking types. INFJs can also be susceptible to self-pity and self-loathing, seeing themselves as victims. They may curse the fact that life isn’t fair, feeling that they always end up with the short end of the stick."
• "INFJs are usually not looking for others to solve their problem, but only to offer support, empathy, and reassurance. Without such an outlet, INFJs can begin to feel isolated and depressed, turning to their inner fantasy world as a means of escape. And while fantasizing may seem helpful in the short-term, it usually makes the real world seem even less tolerable and can exacerbate existing frustrations toward life."
• "Those who are especially precocious may be disposed to questioning the veracity of what the teacher or other students are saying. They may also feel compelled to criticize what they see as ineffective methods of instruction or discipline. At the same time, however, INFJs want to please the teacher and to maintain external harmony. This again leaves them feeling torn between allegiance to their Ni penchant for truth versus their Fe people-pleasing."
•  "With time, INFJs settle into a healthy balance between their Ni and Ti, intuitively knowing how to apply their Ti without spoiling the delicious insights proffered by their Intuition."
• "INFJs commonly find that the world can seem indifferent and recalcitrant toward their idealistic visions. The disparity between their inner ideal (Ni) and the challenges of its outward implementation can be deeply disappointing and disheartening for INFJs. Because of the strength of their idealism, many INFJs struggle to feel satisfied with anything less than a perfect replica of their initial vision. What others view as a success, an INFJ may consider an abject failure."
•  "INFJs know they have been entrusted with much, so they expect much more from themselves than they do from others."
• "Despite their love for the material treasures and pleasures the world has to offer, INFJs have a commensurate need to discount or downplay the importance of “things” in their lives. After all, INFJs tell themselves that they are supposed to be concerned with the metaphysical (Ni) rather than the physical (Se). They are quick to criticize Sensing types for their materialism while surreptitiously envying them for having it." - this is extremely relevant to recent thoughts.
•  "INFJs’ need to see themselves as unique and unconventional also plays into this struggle. Some may balk at the idea of marriage and children, for instance, seeing this as the path for less reflective S types. At the same time, INFJs envy S types who seem happy and generally content with their lot in life."
• "In their weaker moments, INFJs can get caught up in the grip of their Se. Like INTJs, even the most responsible INFJs may suddenly throw caution to the wind and turn to thrill seeking. They may turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, extravagant vacations, or shopping binges to indulge their Se."
•  "When it comes to people and humanitarian issues, INFJs typically feel they have answers, or at least have the capacity to generate one. INFJs feel that in order to solve the myriad humanitarian crises facing the world, we must first gain a better foothold on the fundamentals of human nature and human behavior. We need to better understand ourselves—our motives, behaviors, and personality...They also enjoy receiving new insights into people as they going about helping them. INFJs are least content when they become too caught up in themselves and their own personal grievances."
• "When engrossed in creative flow, they experience themselves in perfect synchrony with the universe. Some have described this as a trance, an altered state of consciousness in which they morph into a vessel of creative energy...When engrossed in a creative stint, they may write for hours, occasionally even days, without rest. They may feel that, should they stop, they will lose out on the wealth of insights that are effortlessly flowing through them."

Oopsie I am so very sorry if you felt the need to read all of that, but it was a very long article and I really felt like nothing has pinned me so well. The fact that it's an extremely rare type makes me stupidly glad. Everyone should tell me their types so that I can read about them and get to know them better. I'm reading about ENFP now bye.
-T.

Update: SC is INFP. Close enough! 

honeymooning.

        The other day I accidentally-on-purpose told D that I love him. It's true, I do, but it is hard to say. It opens the door to so much more hurt. I thought about it for a long time though, and I decided it would end up hurting me more if I never got to tell him how I really feel. Also, I do get the feeling that D is the kind of guy who wants what he can't get. The fact that I wasn't telling him I loved him made him work harder for me. Yet, I would have to tell him it eventually. If he was just going to get bored with me because he didn't have to chase me much anymore in the end, then I'd rather it be sooner and not drag it out.
        We are likely still in the honeymoon phase right now. The moments we spend together are wonderful, but still they remind me of how things used to be. It's just like the first time around, except this time I know better and I remember the last time. In the back of my mind there is always that weight, and I wonder if it will ever fade. Will we get tired of each other again? It's frightening. My friend VK has been with her boyfriend for about a year, I want to say. They still love each other so much and are so perfect together. VK is a beautiful person with a beautiful mind, though. I wonder if I could ever have that. I wonder if I could ever deserve that.
         It's true that D is a flawed human being, but so am I. I don't and can't love selective parts of him. I know him better than I have ever known anyone. I am close to him like I have been close to no other. There is no reason for me to keep my feelings to myself, no matter how complex they are. If he can't handle them, I'd rather know sooner than later. I can only hope that he can remember that I make mistakes too and he won't back out at the first sign of trouble. For now, D makes me more happy than anything. I sure hope it lasts this time around. I won't know for a while I guess.
-T.