congrats, grad.

        Unrelated to the topic of this post, but this morning I took the SAT Math 2 subject test. If I don't 800 this one I don't think I will be able to excuse myself. I got a 780 on the chemistry, which is pretty bad. I can't decide whether or not I should take it again but I really don't want to. I don't think I will, just because I'm kind of thinking that today's test was the very last standardized test of high school for me. Well, with the exception of my six AP exams next year, but I'm not sure if those count.
        Yesterday, I watched the seniors graduate. It was a wonderful ceremony and since I was with the choir I got great courtside seats and got to hug every one of my favorites as he or she made the way to the stage. Best of all was when D walked past and I yelled, "HI D!" and he just shrugged me off and barely acknowledged me. Everyone else was very warm and enthusiastic though. It's hard not to take his apathy towards me personally, especially when I see him so warm towards other girls. I'm not looking for anything other than an acknowledgment of our friendship and connection. I'm sure people around me were thinking I was a weird person saying hi to someone I clearly didn't know or something. It really bummed me out more than it should have.
         I went to this kind of awkward grad party of this girl I don't really know. I only went because her brother invited me, but that was awkward too because I haven't seen her brother since we went to prom my sophomore year . . . I left early hoping to be able to make it to LE's party, but didn't, but whatever. The most unfortunate part was that I didn't get to snag any free beer at the first party or anything.
        DC spent the whole party with me, and she is cool. She brought up the fact that even though we are pretty close and have fun together, we probably are not going to hang out. She's right. It's like when people say "yeah gurl, let's totally hang out this summer!" but you both know you never will. It's just hard to admit, especially with someone as cool as her. I really do want to hang out with her, but she is so right. She's not a planner, and I'm indecisive as hell. People around me graduating is really making me realize how close to so many endings I am. If I don't hang out with these people or get to know these people, I never will. If I don't have classes with these people my senior year, I never will. Before it was always a possibility of, "no classes together this year? next year then!" No more. No more excuses and chances. I'm still too suckishly indecisive to do anything about it though.
       I'm just feeling sort of lame and lonely. I called D just to chat because for some reason I still do that when I am bored, but he was at a party so couldn't really talk. I don't really have anyone that I can just call and chat with for no particular reason, other than JD maybe, but I feel like a nuisance. I know she probably doesn't find me a nuisance, but still. As for D, I feel like he almost deserves me being a nuisance for him, so that's why I still call him if I'm bored out of my wits. It's kind of strange how lonely and silly one can feel for really no good reason at all.
Too much finality, too little focus.
-T.


UPDATE: (after graduations pictures went on facebook)
BD: So read your card a few days ago... thank you, it was very nice :) ... whydidntigetapicturewithyouatgraduation???
oh so NOW you are sorry for blatantly ignoring me at graduation!!! sadlfkjasdlfk

response to ANGER.

        I read NS's blog post from back in March about myself. It was about how I ended my friendships with her and everyone else because I felt they were fed up with me. It all started with a little facebook comment of mine that was a little rash. About ten or so people started attacking me for it, and I apologized, as I realized my sarcasm might not have come across the right way on facebook. I also said that nothing I would say would matter, as they would still hate me no matter what. NS described this as being childish and selfish of me. I really don't understand. I mean, I definitely understand why that comment could be considered childish. It was. However, I wasn't the one personally attacking anyone. Still, I can't defend myself, for fear of others misconstruing my comments as being selfish and making excuses for myself.
        In the midst of this I sent my "friends" a message essentially saying that it was okay if they didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I recognized that I'm a terrible person who damaged my friendships forever. I didn't want to drag on friendships that would be filled with remembrances of  the terrible things I had said. I told them from then on I'd deal with my problems myself. I didn't want to have "friendships" that would be tense. I didn't want them to feel obligated to invite me places and talk to me if they didn't want to. I apologized for dumping all my shit on them and filling their lives with unnecessary negativity.
It was interpreted as attention-whoring and pity-seeking.
NS wrote nice things back to  me, saying she'd always be my friend and whatever. On the contrary, in her blog post she wrote that I'm like a child, and I need to grow up. I'm an extreme complainer (which I already knew) and I don't care about others because I'm so wrapped up in my own problems. Others have problems too, but they don't complain because they don't want to dump their shit on everyone else. 
        This was exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid by sending that message. I should have kept everything to myself in the first place, which is what I said. I tried to remove pain for everyone by removing myself from their lives. Instead it became me trying to inject more angst into their lives. I still feel this way. I should change this post from past tense to present tense, because I know everyone is still sick of me. I don't understand why I expected others to listen. I am one of the most selfish people I know. 
-T.