first quarter obligatory report

       Isn't it funny that for the entirety of my first quarter of college I haven't made a single post, yet the moment I come home I commence ranting about my parents again? I think it's because I don't really know what to write about when I'm at school. Everything is so new that it's not noteworthy that any of it is new. My roommate is really really messy and has a few disorders that I found out partially by snooping and partially by accident. I've tried to initiate conversation with her about it, mostly by opening up a little about my own problems, but all I got her to admit was that she had a therapist back home and is seeing one in Hyde Park. She doesn't seem to have that many people close to her at school, and I hate to think that maybe she feels isolated. I think I've made it clear to her that I'm very open to talk about anything she need to though. Any more would be suspicious.

        During O-Week I partied every night for a week. It was fun. I felt really outcasted from my dorm, since I live in the weird quirky  nerd dorm. One day I met a girl, and upon giving her my name, she told me that I had a reputation for making out with all the girls. I went out with people from this one dorm every night, and I thought that these people might be my friends, but in the back of my head I knew that I would be too lazy and too much of a sociopath to make any effort to keep in touch with them, even though they lived only a block away. The night before the first day of classes was the first time the single glow-in-the-dark star on my ceiling wasn't shifting and swirling. I ended up making a few close friends in my dorm. Like, 3 or 4. I don't really talk to most of the people who live in my building. I'm that pansexual girl who drinks a lot and got voted to be in charge of the communal condoms. 

        My classes were hard, but I don't know, I always think that. I don't know what it is compared to other people's. I probably could have worked harder. I could always have worked harder. It was harder than high school, but there was also more distraction. When grades come out I expect to have two A's and two B's. I learned that I absolutely suck at math. I don't know if I can continue being a math major. I should give back my math scholarship. But I have too much pride so I'll keep being a math major. The thing about honors classes in college is that they are hard as all hell but they will not give you bad grades if you put forth any sort of effort. My social sciences class has been my favorite. We learned to analyze social science studies, talked about the heuristics and shortcuts in thinking that people use, and we're going to learn basic statistics next quarter. I'm a better essay writer. 

        I planned on joining all these clubs and volunteering so much, but I found it hard to will myself to go to the single volunteer tutoring position I had. I feel as if all my extracurriculars need to be relevant to my future career now. Employers are not going to care about my art or teaching or singing or any of that, so it would be a waste of time to do. I spent way more money than I thought I would. I applied to a lot of jobs and research positions. I got one for next quarter, and it's a stupid one consisting of caring for transgenic zebra fish in a lab, but it'll be money. I hope I get an internship this summer. I don't even really know how to find one. I'm sure I won't get anything. 

        I barely talk to my family. I never spoke to my mom on the phone and that was very okay with me. I was supposed to call my uncle and grandma once in a while but I didn't. Sometimes I was "too busy" to answer their calls. I wrote them Christmas cards though so hopefully that'll suffice.

        I've been disillusioned. Almost everyone who is close to me is secretly depressed. But maybe that's just because I'm me and everyone I am friends with ever is depressed, but it makes me suspect that it is more prevalent than what I know about. College is just school. I wish I went into the city more often. I love the CTA though. I love it so much. I'm still adjusting. No one understand who I really am yet. I'm slowly starting to "come out" to people about cutting, about my parents, about being generally fucked up and stupid. People at school don't understand that when I don't proactively make that coffee date with them, it doesn't mean I dislike them. That's part of why it's been hard to make friends I don't live around. I don't mind it much, except that  I feel like I might be missing out on people that are just within reach and could be awesome to be friends with. But I know that new friendships where we have to proactively contact each other are just not sustainable for me, so it's not worth it to try really. I always need to go study instead anyway. The only person who I don't live by and who talks to me a lot is this girl who thought she was straight and then secretly had a crush on me. 

        My campus is beautiful and conveniently located for travel between the city and my permanent address. When I'm there, I have more responsibilities and more independence, which I love. I can pretend my family doesn't exist. At the same time, I can no longer blame them for my problems. Any shit I feel is of my own creation. No one is dictating my life any longer. When I can't control my emotions and have no blame for them, that worries me. There were nights when I couldn't stop crying for no reason and I needed to call LE in order to calm me down. I am so lucky to have him. He visited me a lot and spent all of my campus food dollars. He's the best. RS also visited me twice. That was fun. Fun, but I always had things hanging over me that I needed to do. I have to accept that college will be chunks of 10 continuous weeks of stress and work forever never being caught up on. 

        I feel like people are defined by their major. I don't know if I feel so in touch with what is supposed to be my major, Math with specialization in Econ. If I could do Math and Sociology, I would feel good about that, but my parents say I need to do Econ and then I can't fit in Sociology. So I'll do a Gender and Sexuality Studies minor I think. But do I want to do be defined by that? I want to major in everything, so effectively nothing. Why is college so much, but still not enough? 

-T.

an email to mommy dearest

Hi 

I don't mind it if you are misinformed about the tuition situation, because I understand that you are blind to facts, but please stop spreading false information to others, especially very gullible people with no access to reliable information. 

For this school year, my financial aid package and national merit scholarship make my tuition, including housing, as $9,525 per quarter. This does NOT include my $3000 math scholarship that was factored into the Autumn Quarter bill.

The tuition, housing, and other official expense are, by quarter:
Autumn - $7,061
Winter - $9,575
Spring - $9,575
TOTAL: $26,211 

Please notice that this is nowhere near the $20,000+ per quarter that you have been saying, and especially not the $70,000 annual cost. In fact, your numbers are completely made up and more than double what the actual costs are. The actual tuition and fees WITHOUT any financial aid is $62,425, direct from the UChicago website. This is still well under your purported $70,000.  

Even if our financial aid quotes change for the next academic years, this does not make the facts weaker, nor does it make your fallacious arguments stronger, so please do not bring this up. 

If you are trying to make me feel guilty about my life, at least use accurate information. If you are not sure about something, do not stand so firm on it if you are challenged. These are numbers with records; there is no way that I am making this up. In any case, it is very hard to take you seriously when you insult me and belittle me using outlandish statements and falsified numbers. 

Enjoy your humble pie, even though you will barely taste it and you will certainly not digest it.

Your dearest daughter, 

T 

P.S. This message will have upset you and completely humiliated you, but it was necessary because eventually you need to be confronted with the facts rather than being treated like the three-year old you act like. I tell you all of this out of an attempt to respect you. Thank you.

It sure is a good thing she will probably have trouble understanding a lot of the subtle (or not-so-subtle) insults.  In any case, I'm gonna get it tomorrow.

confidence

        It's my senior year of high school, and I have been steadily gaining confidence. I believed in myself like I never had before. I felt good about myself and I felt good about going to school. People at school liked me and with some effort I was doing great in all of my classes. I even hung out with people twice already this winter break, and it's only been half a week. I never hang out with people. Too much guilt usually, but I've talked about that before.
        All of that has been dashed in the past two days. I don't know why I am taking that admissions decision to heart so much. All the memorabilia of UChicago are ubiquitous around my house. My home page is still their website. I can't bring myself to change it. I see a picture of the campus, I see people I follow on Tumblr debating which dorm to get, I see them posting their acceptance letters, I see the people on Facebook who were accepted, and I can't stand it. They deserve it so much and I am really happy that they got in, they all worked so hard for it, but I wanted to be there too. Every time I see anything like this, which is so often, I just start bawling.
        I am feeling a pain that I haven't felt in a while. The little bit of confidence I had simply dissipated. I can't focus on my other college applications. I don't feel that I deserve to college anywhere. I want to disappear much of the time.
-T.

more college things.

        My friends have been so supportive of me. I know that college admissions are not a measure of my character or worthiness, but it's hard to believe that especially when I gave everything I had to UChicago. I am so not alone in my deferral, and I'm glad that I wasn't outright rejected. I think that would have been too much to bear.
        Something I have noticed in this process is that socially, a rejection/deferral of a worthy candidate is rarely attributed to something that the candidate must have done wrong. It's assumed to be an idiotic decision or a mistake on the college's part. It's just really nice to know that people aren't going to think less of me because of what a college somewhat arbitrarily decides about me.
         I've added a college tab to this blog. I'm applying to a lot of pretentious schools, but I really like them. There were several that I was thinking of applying to but I really tried to limit myself to schools that I could actually see myself attending. The only one that I don't really want to go to is Princeton. My parents are forcing me to apply there for the financial aid. My mom for some reason is convinced that they will accept me. She is beyond ridiculous. I could never have half a shot at getting in, and I don't even particularly like the school. It's a great school, but just not for me. I can't decide if I should put up my stats there too, what do you think? I'll get judged hard, so I don't know.
         Next round of decisions comes out late March/early April. Hopefully  my self-worth won't be hurt so much again!
-T.

Deferral

         I can't believe it. Well I can, but I don't know.. it just seems so wrong. I can't picture myself anywhere else. I put forth the greatest effort into UChicago, I showed the most interest, and yet I couldn't get accepted. If this is the case, then what will happen with the schools that I am only mildly interested in, because I spent all of my college energy into the one school? How am I supposed to get into anywhere worthwhile if I can't get into the one I worked the hardest on? I poured forth my soul and heart into the extended essay, but I guess it isn't good enough.
        I'm angry. I have no right to be angry. They deferred nearly everyone from my school and accepted only a Hispanic guy and a girl who only wants to go to Cambridge and doesn't give a shit about UChicago. I honestly expected to get in, and that was silly of me. That was so silly of me. People made lists of those applying to UChicago from my school in order of most likely to get in. I was always top one or two. Since they accept 5-7 people from my school each year regardless of how many apply, I thought it would be me. I really thought it would be me. But I'm not good enough. I got so cocky. I didn't even write the optional supplement. I am so stupid. This decision has really put me in my place because I've blown myself up in my own head, just like when YA was rejected from Stanford. It was the needle to his swelled head, and this is mine.
         The University of Chicago was somewhere that my intellectuality was supposed to be appreciated. My oddities were supposed to fit. Everything wrong with me was supposed to be justified. Alas, I suppose it was just a marketing ploy. The new director of admissions sole motivation is to increase the applicant pool, so that they can have their pick of the lot while lowering the acceptance rate.
          I drowned myself in chocolate. I tore up a UChicago brochure while wetting it with my tears. I took down the poster in front of my treadmill that used to motivate me. I unfollowed all of their Twitter accounts. Through all the bitterness, I was forced to face the fact that I probably would not attend the University of My Dreams. At the same time, I can finally concentrate on my remaining applications, which are due in about ten days (OMG.) I don't have to feel like I'm cheating on UChicago (they put me on the back burner first!), and I don't have any excuse to half-ass the essays. This one school isn't so important to me anymore. A good university is a good university, and some just have more enticing advertisements. Wherever I end up, I will make good friends and be an outstanding student. Some of my peers haven't even gotten any acceptance letters at all, and I have two from great schools under my belt. UChicago may have some of the smartest students according to College Prowler, but they are also the ugliest. Why would I want to be categorized with them? If they want to stay ugly, then so be it.  I have another shot in the regular round, and we'll see how it goes. I'll end up somewhere good, and it doesn't have to be UChicago.
-T.

Week of Uncertainty

        UChicago decisions come out next Monday, around "mid-afternoon." I am very frightened, but excited, because well, I honestly feel like I have a pretty good chance of getting in. This is based on my statistics, my writing ability, personality fit, and overall passion I have for the school. But this makes everything scarier. It seems that the more hope you have for something, the more frightening the possibility is of the opposite happening. I am probably being conceited, but I really just want in.
        Another thing I've noticed about my life is that if I set a goal, I always reach it. I reach it and nothing further, but essentially I get everything I want. I have gotten everything I want so far in life. I'm scared that in this college application process that I will finally have my day of failure. We'll see I guess. And if I get rejected, well then I have a few days to churn out a few more college essays/applications.
-T.

narwhals.

        I had quite an emotionally charged conversation with DC today about how unfair the college applications process is, how arbitrary it is, and how much about people it really neglects. Honestly I think the American one is one of the broader and better ones, but still it is so flawed. A girl paid over $300 per hour for ACT classes, and got the same score as I did and I feel like my score means nothing and I don't have anything that sets me apart from the rest of the pool. DC has everything that a college applicant could want, and yet she is still comparing herself to someone else who gets every leadership position in the school due to popularity. Some people really do just get it all, and don't leave so much for the rest of us. Even at her level, there is still so much to worry about. Everything is a gamble, and we all really take a college decision as a reflection on their own lives and worthiness.
       I think we all just need to take a step back, especially those of us at the top, (not trying to be narcy or anything but just statistically speaking,) and realize how fortunate we really are. I know it's cliche, but I just have to remember those people who couldn't get a 35 no matter how hard they tried, and no amount of expensive tutoring could get them there, and it doesn't even matter much of the time because they can't afford it.
       Also I am thinking that while I am stressed, it is easier for me to maintain a more realistic and even a little bit more optimistic of an outlook. This is because in the past I had never really believed that I could go to an amazing school. I hoped that I would get into U of I. It's not a bad school, but nowhere near the kinds of schools I am looking at now. My SAT score really opened so many doors for me, and my ACT confirmed it. I think it was my SAT that made me realize that I'm not average. The standardization let me put myself into perspective, and I couldn't let what I had go to waste. I am so fortunate to be able to even think about applying to a few ivy leagues, and now my dream school is a totally different caliber than it would have been before. I'm still going to worry incessantly and compare myself to others, but I am happy to be a relatively competitive applicant from my school. Sometimes I feel that I am just a mediocre minnow in a sea of glittering narwhals, but when I'm hanging with the narwhals I have to remember that I lose perspective.

Who would have thought that I could achieve what I have today?

-T.

cawlej.

        Yesterday I submitted three college applications: U of I, Notre Dame, and UChicago. Oh yeah, I really haven't updated at all on the college process. That's just because any energy I have to think about college, I am doing my applications. The moment I hit submit on the latter two, I got really nervous and almost regretted it because I could have edited all my essays ten more times. Still, I'm glad I got it over with; it's a really weird feeling because I have had the stress of applications for months. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion. I especially feel this way for UC, because my whole future is contingent on that application. I want to go there so badly. There is nothing that I want more at this moment, and it will be a ridiculously long two months wait to find out. Of course, that was only the first round of applications, just the early ones. I'm finding that it is hard for me to actually be interested in any school other than UC. I probably have a little fewer than ten schools to apply to, I don't even know. It just depends on my mood and how busy I am at this point.
        Today my school guidance counselor sent me a pass saying she wanted to "touch base" with me. She told me how much she enjoyed writing my letter of recommendation, and also that she was surprised to find that I am a year younger than others in my grade. I didn't even really consider this factor when I was helping her write my letter of recommendation, I don't even think about this. She said that older students have a natural advantage from the beginning, and this continues throughout their life spans. As a younger student who is still doing well in advanced classes, it is supposed to be really impressive. I always figured that it didn't make that much of a difference; I skipped from half of first grade to halfway through second grade, it was a head start at a young age. I didn't skip anything important or that I didn't already know. However, apparently teenagers mature very quickly. It could completely account for my freshman year. That one year made all the difference. I am feeling a little more confident in the applications process. She is really so sweet to me. I don't know why I would deserve any of the things I have in life, and I am so grateful for them. I have gotten so much support from everyone. Even my family; they paid around $200 in merely application fees yesterday. I just realized how much this process is going to cost. At about $100 per college, (application fees, ACT and SAT scores, transcripts, etc.) it's a tough process. It costs so much to apply and possibly get rejected.
        Anyway, I got 100 on my English test today. I don't think I deserved it. I wrote less and barely marked up the poems we were analyzing, while people next to me did much more and got little credit for it. I always thought it would be nice to be a teacher's favorite, but I just feel guilty mostly. I mean, I'm a favorite because I participate in class, do all my work, and have good ideas, so it's not totally unfounded. Yet, it still doesn't seem right. I don't know. I'm grateful for everything, even if I don't deserve it, and I'm sure that I can make the best of whatever happens to me.

Chicago Essay Questions

2011 essay questions:

Essay Option 1.

“What does Play-Doh™ have to do with Plato?” – The 2011 University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt List
Every May, the University of Chicago hosts the world’s largest scavenger hunt. As part of this year’s hunt, students raced to find the shortest path between two seemingly unrelated things by traveling through Wikipedia articles.
Wikipedia is so passé. Without the help of everyone’s favorite collaborative internet encyclopedia, show us your own unique path from Play-Doh™ to Plato.
Inspired by Ayla Amon, AB’10, Daniel Citron, AB’09, and Benjamin Umans, AB’10

Essay Option 2.

Observation, Hypothesis, Experiment, Analysis, Conclusion; since the 17th century, the scientific method has been the generally accepted way to investigate, explore, and acquire new knowledge. The actual process of intellectual discovery, however, is rarely so simple or objective. The human mind often leaps from observation to conclusion with ease, rushes headlong into hypothesis-less experiments, or dwells on the analysis, refusing to conclude.
Tell us about your non-scientific method. (Diagrams, graphs, and/or visual aids allowed within your essay.)
Inspired by Megen Cowett, AB’11

Essay Option 3.

Spanish poet Antonio Machado wrote, “Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.” Give us your guess.
Inspired by Jill Hampshire, AB’08

Essay Option 4.

While working at the Raytheon Company, Percy Spencer noticed that standing in front of a magnetron (used to generate microwave radio signals) caused a chocolate bar in his pocket to melt. He then placed a bowl of corn in front of the device, and soon it was popping all over the room. A couple years later, Raytheon was selling the first commercial microwave oven.
Write about a time you found something you weren’t looking for.
Inspired by Ashwin Acharya, an entering student from Hunter College High School, NY

Essay Option 5.

In the spirit of adventurous inquiry, pose a question of your own. If your prompt is original and thoughtful, then you should have little trouble writing a great essay. Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, citizen of the world, or future citizen of the University of Chicago; take a little risk, and have fun.

Essay Option 6.

Don’t write about reverse psychology.

 They came out today. I don't think I can handle this. I think I know which one I am going to write about already, but I need to make sure it's not an obvious answer that a lot of people would write about. I'm dying.

-T.