my cutting.

        Cutting is hard to understand. Why would you want to inflict pain on yourself, especially when you already going through something hard? It's not even natural to want to hurt yourself. How does it even make sense? I guess it doesn't, but neither do most things. Some think it's about hating yourself so much that you want to destroy yourself, or that it means you are suicidal. Hah, once in 7th grade my mom told me that it was a good thing that I was cutting myself because it meant I knew I did something wrong and I wanted to punish myself. Middle school was good times.
         I got into cutting in sixth grade when my friend told me she was doing it. It scared me at first, but then I tried it once and I was hooked. I usually turn to it when the thoughts and emotions in my head feel like a hurricane, so much so that I can't breathe or see properly. It's when I feel like I don't have any control of my life or that I can't be heard. I often use something dull like scissors or more often I grab a push pin from my bulletin board. It's not about the blood or the cut. It's about feeling the pain, so the dullness helps. Those internet things that say things along the lines of, "you're doing it wrong emos, it's down the road, across the street does nothing!" really really anger me. While it's true that people slit their wrists to try and bleed themselves to death, that's not what it's about for me. I'm not sure that it makes me "feel alive," as a friend put it. It's a method of staying alive. I am cutting and I feel all my tension concentrating at one point, and it's like a deep breath of fresh air. It calms me.
         To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with it other than that it's an indication that I can't handle my emotions. It's a better coping mechanism I think than starving or drinking or violence. Those things have lasting consequences. My life isn't in danger, and my skin will heal itself. How are my cuts different from a simple paper-cut? The relief I feel when cutting probably is due to the fact that your brain gets rushed by endorphins when the body is pain. It's like natural drugs. I know that I'm not supposed to cut, and I really do try not to, but it's all for other people. I don't really understand why I'm not allowed to do it. Maybe there's something I'm not seeing, as per usual.
-T.

don't rat me out.

        Wait now that I cut again I'm scared that I'm going to get reported. I got reported to the school counselor for it in grades 6, 7, 8 and 9. Each time it made everything worse and my parents hated me even more. I just lied about everything anyway and it just stressed me out. I have a lot more reputation-wise at stake here. Imagine if I got a pass to "special services" during the class I assistant teach for? omgomgomgomg
        I know that people are just trying to help when they rat you out, especially all the friends that have done it to me, but it makes everything worse. I understand very much that professional help would benefit me, but it shouldn't take place in a school environment. It always feels like an accusatory interrogation, and leaves me on the defensive. It's counterproductive to healing. It's not like I could tell them the stuff that actually goes on, because it's borderline illegal. Their job is to tell your parents everything so that the school won't be held responsible if you off yourself and they had some pertinent information all along. I'm not going to be cutting again anytime soon so just leave it alone.
-T.

i want to be okay.

        I promised D that I wouldn't cut ever again, so I was scared to tell him what had happened. I considered not telling him, but I thought that he needed to know and I didn't want to lie to him. While I was crying yesterday the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better would have been to cry in D's arms. He had just moved into U of I as a transfer that day, and I hated to bother him. He was super disappointed, and said he wasn't mad, but he was really sad.
        He really means so much to me and it's really silly but he is the only person outside of my family that I really feel okay crying in front of. When he tells me that he loves me and stupid sappy stuff it really makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I guess that's why I keep him around. He has the most power to hurt me again, but D knows just how to melt me and make me feel better about anything at all. I'm glad to have D and my friends to talk to me and help me feel like a normal person again. I don't want anyone to worry about me though, especially EE because her family life is absolutely terrorizing and I don't dare to go into detail about it, it's that horrid. She and I have a lot in common and I want to keep in touch with her forever, if only so that I can find out that people with terrible starts can still turn out okay.
        I'm scared to push D away again so I'm just going to act happy and smiley because he likes me that way best and I just want everything to be okay. I feel better when I act like everything's better anyway, and I need his support more than ever.
Everything needs to be okay.
-T.

the silent treatment.

        Last Thursday, I told my mom that she was wrong for critiquing literally every person on every little facet of their appearance. I told her that studies have shown that it makes children extremely self-conscious if you  make any comments about appearance at all and so she shouldn't be judging people so much. She got really defensive about it and said she could say anything she wants and that it doesn't hurt anyone and why did I care so much. I told her that the moment she decided to have kids she relinquished the right to say whatever the fuck she wants. Somehow she ended up, as always, threatening that I would just end up at U of I and I was stupid and nobody wanted me. She just doesn't care about anyone and doesn't get that her behaviors are poisonous, and nicely enough, they are the number one influence in her children's lives. She stopped talking to me, and only passively aggressively did things like trash my room and talk shit about me to others in front of my face.
        Yesterday she finally said that I better apologize to her or else she'd never talk to me again. My response was, "no thanks, it's been the best week of my life." She yelled at me more and then after a while went back to not talking. I took the opportunity to tell her that I think she is a horrible person and my worst fear ever would be to end up like her, and so much more. It was absolutely awful, but it felt awesome and she couldn't even say anything back because she was too busy with her silent treatment. I find it kind of hilarious that she thinks it's a punishment for me. I haven't given anyone the silent treatment since fifth grade... why is my mother so mature??
         Except I'm not much more mature either. I was peeling beans today and my dad hated that I was sitting down and doing it. I was so lazy, why couldn't I just stand up and peel them? I refused because I think it's ridiculous and doesn't alter the functionality of the beans at all, and so he smacked me across the head. I hit him back for the first time ever, and he hit me again. I was like LOL HIT ME MORE I LOVE THE PAIN and he just yelled at me and wouldn't hit me again. I'm not afraid of the pain of being hit, but it just infuriates me because it makes me feel like a worthless animal. I went up to my room and cried for a really long time and I cut myself so deep and so much. I've never cut myself so much at once and I haven't cried like that since middle school. I had pretty much stopped cutting myself last year. I was in such a rage. My mom walked in on me cutting and she knew what was happening but she just yelled at me more. There was blood running down my arms and on  my clothes and nobody cared. She would not stop talking at me even though my iPod was on full blast and I was just sobbing and not listening. My dad came in and yelled at me more too, that I was so immature, and all I wanted was to be left alone. I started screaming at the top of my lungs like I never have before just so that they would go away and after a while it worked. My mom called me a crazy person and said that I belong in a mental hospital (with good reason.)
        She came in a few minutes later and after half an hour of her yelling at me again about how that she was the only one patient enough with me to talk to me and that once I got into the real world everyone would hate me, I went insane again. I threw my Calc book at her because I just wanted her to leave. She laughed and took it and beat me over the head with it a few times before leaving. I didn't stop crying for about four hours and eventually I fell asleep. I locked all my doors and my dad yelled at me to open them or else. I replied, "or else what? You'll hit me again? You'll block the internet? All the usual scare tactics!" He got pissed I guess and walked away and now I finally woke up. Lo and behold tumblr, facebook, and neopets are all blocked (yes I resorted to neopets to help in procrastination) and I haven't eaten and my eyes are grossly puffy and I just feel awful and sick. Finals span the next few days so I suppose I should study for those. I don't have any distracting websites to look at anyway.

This has post regarding my mental breakdown has been the worst post in a while in terms of both content and writing style and I hope everyone enjoyed it.

-T, the immature maniac.

what is the point of threats

Maybe I would have done what you told me to anyway, but then you had to go and threaten me and insult me. Apparently you expect me to be really happy to do your bidding after you just made me feel like absolute shit. Then you yell at me for having a bad attitude. I try to tell you to not threaten me and please not treat me like I killed someone the other day, but you keep telling me to shut up when I try to speak because you don't want to hear it. I can't tell you what I feel, and even if I could it wouldn't matter. You don't care what I feel.

When I do do your bidding because I have no other options, you clearly enjoy your power rush. Still though, you are upset because I don't seem to be a happy little sheep when I do it. Nonetheless, I do it, and you are relieved. You will use this as an example in the future of how I need to be threatened in order to get anything done. I can't refute lest you become upset with me again, and you have that set idea in your mind anyway. I am reinforcing your behavior because I have no choice, and I indeed become the docile, obedient robot you always wanted me to be.

It's as if you have to exert power over me or else I will lose respect for you. If by respect you mean fear, then you are correct. However I have some news for you. I have already lost all respect for you and that's likely not going to change. Respect is difficult to earn back. I know that only horrible kids don't respect their parents, but I'm okay with being one of those if it means being honest. Yes, I do agree that you are entitled to some degree of respect because you had sex and birthed me and gave me food and shelter. However much respect that got you though, has been negated tenfold. Perhaps I have lost your respect too, but that's okay because it's for things like trying to nap after school. I do it maybe once a week, and then I get a rant about a vicious cycle that will ruin my circadian rhythm except you don't use the term circadian rhythm because you know nothing about psychology, nor do you care about the state of my mental health.

I probably can't blame you. Your parents were most likely just like this too. At one point you were young and wanted to be great parents and were excited to start a family, but over time you forgot all the parenting books you read. You forgot that I have a mind of my own too, and you certainly don't want to be reminded of it. Every day you find some way to make me want to cut myself. It takes all of my willpower to not do that because I am not supposed to be doing that anymore.
-T.