"omg boys only want to get in yur pants, they see even simple kissing as a path to sex!!!!!!!"

but w8 so do i

sasha grey on the tyra show

The annotations on these are horrible and ridiculously annoying, but if you want to get the full experience and hate life to the extreme you should leave them on. 

I'm very much personally offended by a lot of what they say here partially because of my own sexuality. I knew I would hate this but I had to watch it because I need to break out of the bubble that I sometimes am in that most people are truly open-minded and reasonable. I just can't live under that illusion when shit like this is on mainstream television. I almost can't quite believe that this is real and have to laugh through the episode to keep myself sane.

This show is disguised as progressive and open-minded and Tyra is definitely marketed as a role-model figure for girls, and I think it's worse than blatant anti-feminist stuff. At least the latter is easily identifiable and obviously destructive, while this show is marketed as helpful and woman-empowering. I'm embarrassed to admit that I used to look up to Tyra too, and would watch her show every day when I came home from middle school. I'd hate for anyone, especially a young girl who already has so much subliminal oppression in her life, to feel like certain sexual desires she has are wrong. The annotations proclaim that Sasha's videos promote pedophilia, which is ridiculous. If she and her fans are into group sex and age play that's great for them as long as no one is getting hurt when they don't want to be. Consensual sex experimentation truly is empowering, and I find it horrendous that people who don't understand it cast such judgment on it and condemn it. No one seems to acknowledge that these fetishes actually exist and can be acted upon in safe and fulfilling manners.

I really respect Sasha for her courage and her intelligence and ownership of her career choices. The prostitute on the show did not enjoy her time in the sex industry, and that's fine, but she shouldn't assume that everyone else's journey is the same. If you want to truly try to eradicate misogyny and garner respect for women, you should do it by respecting people's choices as long as they don't hurt anyone, and acknowledging that porn is not realistic.

Notice also that the assumption is that porn viewers are perverse dirty men who like to watch women being disrespected. It says nothing of men in the porn industry, or even women who watch porn. God forbid we allow for the possibility that women have sexual desires! Categorize me as a humorless self-victimizing femi-Nazi, but as long as people whose thoughts are consistent with this show exist, I can't not be one.

-T.

BDSM I guess

        Sweet, vanilla love-making can be fun, but it gets old. Why would you want to restrict yourself to that, or to any particular way of having sex? People are too ready to demonize the idea of BDSM, or worse yet, some others are ashamed of themselves. It is too sad to me when people feel the need to shroud away their sexuality. By its very nature BDSM is thrilling and dehumanizing, but in a good way. Our sexuality is possibly the most deeply rooted component in our evolutionary history. Sex is carnal and pure and cathartic and one of the most animalistic things we do, so what is so wrong about bringing out those characteristics? By establishing and adhering to hard boundaries and safe-words, a sub still has control of the situation, so long as the top is trustworthy. If these boundaries are violated, then trust is destroyed. Partners who choose to dabble in BDSM normally have a great degree of trust in each other, and I think that being able to express the most taboo desires is a great measure of a strong relationship. BDSM tendencies don't have to stem from a history of abuse or mental issues, but even if they then engaging in BDSM activities can be seen as a way of gaining some good from a terrible thing. If a little pain or role-playing is consensual and not life-threatening and even pleasurable, then I really can't see much wrong with that. BDSM should be something that people are open to, and if it is really not personally interesting, then that's fine, but it is not something worth being ashamed of or hated on either.

-T.

funny parents

        I guess it recently occurred to my parents that I might want to have sex. I just got an extended anti-sex talk from them. It started with, "you're still a virgin, right?" and me laughing while nodding. Apart from demonizing sex, they also marginalized my relationship with LE, and assumed my rashness and immaturity. My mom made it seem like having sex with one person means you plan on basically marrying them and are going to be committed in some way to that person for life. She also assumed that I wasn't the type of girl who would just go around and have casual hookups. In all honesty, if LE weren't in the picture, I would plan on having a lot of random sex just because. He is perfect for me and I don't want sex from anyone else, and it's more convenient to just fuck him whenever I want anyway. Alas, we are young and so obviously we are not in love with each other so of course I wouldn't fuck him. So many things wrong with the previous sentence. They also think that I'd regret whatever sexual decisions I make. If I've learned anything from just residing in this body, it's that in the long run I don't regret anything I do. Of course, I am not sure how much of my views stem from resolving cognitive dissonance from doing immoral things, but nonetheless any actions I take have been thought about and are unregrettable simply by the fact of me doing them.
        Once again it is appalling and whimsical how little my parents know about me. My dad knows that LE's birthday is coming up and he is REALLY WORRIED about it and is on the verge of making my sister stay home from school that day. As if we hadn't already had sex in this house. As if they can keep me from doing whatever I want. Actually I think they know that they have little to no control over me when I am not in their direct presence. It frightens them, especially my dad, but if that's the case then wouldn't it make more sense for them to at least pretend to trust me so that I feel some moral obligations to them? That won't make sense probably, but it doesn't matter because I'm having sex whenever and however and with whomever I want. This summer is going to be awesome. They are just so unbelievably laughably ignorant of me and all that I stand for.
-T.

sexual orientation

        I'm not heterosexual. I don't know what that word means because to be honest it doesn't make any sense. People are generally defined as being gay or bi or straight or whatever, but I don't think that any  of those is an accurate description of what you want in a partner at all. For example, heterosexual person is interested in people of the opposite gender, but not all people of the opposite gender. We all have a list of characteristics that attract us to certain people, and gender might just be one trait on that list. It might be true that someone is exclusively attracted to people of one gender, but that is far from the whole story.
         I guess I could be described as pan-sexual, but that word doesn't exactly cover it either. I don't lust for absolutely everything. I feel as if sexual orientation is an important part of one's identity, but I wish it weren't. I'm a little confused about who I am and this is a silly thing to create that confusion. I know exactly what I want and what I'm attracted to. Why do I need a word to categorize that? For simplicity's sake I'll assert that I'm pan, but its implications are not as I want them. I am attracted to intelligence, humor, sass, empathy, and a hint of something edgy. I might have a preference for men, or perhaps am just accustomed to them, but if something else piques my interest then that's perfectly fine too.
        When my friends want me to make out with them, they are perplexed by my lack of interest and general apathy. They are curious about girl-kisses, but I'm not. I don't see how it could be any different from any other kiss. They say it's strangely platonic, but then what's the point? You could kiss anyone that you are not attracted to and have it be platonic, I've done that before and it shouldn't depend on gender. I'm not curious. Anyway, I don't like for my kisses to be meaningless and that's just my preference.
        I suppose for now I just have to be okay with the label of pan, simply because I am expected to have some sort of label and I'll need to know how to answer that defining question of sexual orientation. Maybe later I'll decide to obliterate that label entirely.
-T.

oops i misconstrue everything

        Oh oops in the post before I talked about my friend losing her virginity randomly but that was actually her second time and for some reason I just thought it was her first so I'm just setting things straight now. Her real virginity losing story is so sweet and perfect and something I can sort of relate to so that makes me feel better. The guy ended up randomly shutting her out of his life (sometimes I really  hate men) so that sucks a lot but at least she was happy while it lasted. Also it hurt for her first time which I always thought was a myth or it means you are doing it wrong, like probably not enough foreplay because it didn't hurt at all for my first time with the exception of a little stretching. But who knows, everyone is different.
        Regardless, I still felt what I felt when in the previous post and that still bothers me. Sex is so awesome how and why would I judge anyone for it?
-T.
P.S.
I just have to include this. I want this little girl to be my child.

no slut-shaming!

        Hmm I just found out the story of how my friend lost her virginity (not going to say who lolz.) Basically she had sex on a cruise in Europe with a rando without protection. The without protection part I actually don't really care about and whatever it happens even though it's bad and risky. It just seems odd to me that some people legitimately do not care about who they have their first time with. I'm not even talking about timing here, since I can't be one to talk about that and frankly it's another thing that I don't care about really. Having sex with a total rando, especially when losing your virginity is something that I feel like I never could consider. I knew that there are people who genuinely don't care, but I never actually knew or was kind of close to anyone like that. To me it seems so unfulfilling and odd.
        Why is sex so hyped up anyway? It causes a lot of strange emotions and really challenges a relationship but I wonder if that's just because of the social implications and significance it's been imbued with. It's just something that two people can do with their bodies, and why is that so much deeper than oral sex? I don't think that it's the risk of pregnancy anymore, with contraceptives so widely available. I don't even think it's an intimacy thing, because personally receiving oral sex feels so much more intimate to me. After my first time if I were to hook up randomly I'd be more likely to have sex than allow myself to get head. I really don't think I'm a slut-shamer, but I still feel this twinge of almost a personal violation or something when I see or hear about stories like this, especially about people I know personally. I like to think that I am a forward-thinking enlightened feminist, but I still have these stupid societal norm ideas stuck on me. I don't think my friend is a bad person, but I did feel myself losing a bit of respect for her, which is wrong. If she was comfortable with it and didn't regret it in the least, then who is to judge? Not me. But apparently I do, and I don't like that about myself. It's more than that though. It's not so much an judgment cast on her, but more like a personal internal feeling that makes strange knots in my stomach.
        But yeah, this does not make her less of a good friend to me but I was surprised by my reaction to it basically. I am going to work to change that.
-T.

dubious.

        I am seeing more and more how incompatible D and I really are. Actually, I knew it all along, but I am being reminded of it further. My friend asked me what I thought D liked about me. All I could think of was "ass" and "vagina." I grew curious, and so I talked to D about it and we each compiled lists of what we liked about the other:

what D likes about me

• ass
• vagina
• smartness - but not smart-ass-ness
• personality (selectively)

what i like about D

• height
• whiteness
• good at math/science
• money
• cute family
• pretty eyes
• funny some of the time

It looks like I was spot on with the first two, and it's kind of funny but not really. I made up the excuse that once you get to know someone really well, it's hard to quantify them in traits. I have no idea if that's true or not, and I am just making up excuses really. I wonder what our relationship is founded on, but I'm afraid to know. The traits that I like the most about myself: work ethic, empathy, love of art, critical thinking; he despises them all. I can't recall a single intelligent conversation we have had where we talk about deeper things in which he hasn't just tried to make me be quiet because he doesn't want to think about it. How can this be, when introspection and curiosity are what I live for? His arrogance, his close-mindedness, his lack of work ethic all drive me nuts. What makes it all worse is that when we have problems he refuses to talk about it and he just shuts me out. This is supposed to demonstrate his power and drive me crazy, and it does. But it doesn't help anything. It only teaches me to avoid making him mad by way of deceit and keeping things from him. When I don't agree with him, I try to not even bring it up because I know that it will make everything worse. Conflicts in relationships are supposed to help people understand each other, not always drive them apart. It's not that we have had problems very recently, but that's because I keep things from him so that we won't have problems. That's not to say that there aren't some unquantifiable things that I love about him. I do enjoy his company and he really did charm the pants right off of me. 

        I just recall the great infatuation we had for each other and it was the most thrilling few weeks of my life. Of course, it didn't last. How could it? I think I still feel a part of myself yearning for it, and holding out hope that it will come again even though I know it won't. Why are we together still? Is it merely because we are comfortable with each other, and because it is just convenient? He does get to come home from college and have someone always fuckable there waiting for him. I get the comfort of knowing that someone is obligated to be close to me. I sometimes wonder what's keeping him from just cheating on me at college. Especially next semester, when he is at U of I with his friends, there will be so much temptation. I told him that if he ever gets the urge to cheat on me to just call me up and break up with me first. I know he's not cheating on me, just because he is too prideful for it if anything. I think that I must be saving him from a plethora of STIs because he would have no sexual restraint without a girlfriend meekly waiting at home for him. Why does he even like me? I am a nice warm vagina that he can consistently rely on. Even if I'm more than that, how can I ever know? I was speaking to LE and it turns out LE is a pretty big horndog as well, and has definitely used girls for their bodies. He is more restrained, but it's so frustrating to see that men truly are all the same, even ones I look up to the most. They are so driven by sex, and I can't even keep boys from focusing on that aspect of me because I am such a slut. I just sort of let them do what the want with me. Where is that balance of having a sexually fulfilling relationship that still allows for mental connection?
       I know that I care for D more deeply than I do for any other person in this whole world. I want us to be happy, and I want us to be able to like each other for who we are, without needing to hide ourselves. I don't know if that is possible, just because we are so different. We value totally different things. I keep thinking that if I suck it up and stick it out things will change. I will find a way to fix myself, I will find a way to fix him. I'm not sure if that can happen.
This has been a nonsensical and terribly unorganized post, a reflection of my confliction. 

-T.

P.S. RIP Grandpa. 

here we go again!

       I had the most wonderful day yesterday. I went to D's dad's house where there was some sort of family barbecue so I met all of those people and it was barely even awkward. Oh yeah forgot to mention it prior to this but I'M SEEING D AGAIN. I was trying to keep it on the DL but it's pretty much out now so whatever. I hung out with him and his sister and his little cousins and saw his almost one-year-old half brother aww it was so precious. Afterwords before he dropped me off we had sex and it was nice and romantic and so sweet as well as sexy.
        I think we are both trying hard to not make the same mistakes as last time, and we really do want to be happy together. We've done a lot better talking about and working out our problems. There is honestly no one I feel more comfortable around. Whom else could I allow to inspect my vagina and cuddle naked with? He keeps mentioning things like kids and spending our live together which I know he is only saying in passing but I kind of wish he wouldn't. I'm still not entirely sure of everything just because there is no way I can just forget about the past. It's going to take a while for me to be able to trust him. As wonderful and sweet as yesterday with him was, there was a little something missing. There was nothing to fill those pregnant pauses where "I love you" used to go.
        The tricky part is that I do love him, and I realize that I will never stop loving him no matter what happens. My love for him is a bit different though. A long time ago, I loved him carelessly and blissfully. Now my love is weighed down with remembrances and guilt and anticipation for heartbreak. It's the lack of surety and security and possibly the lack of reciprocation that keep both of us from saying it.
        I want to be his perfect girl, and I want to be happy with him. I am happy with him right now, and I want it to last.
-T.
P.S. Last Tuesday, August 30, was our anniversary! One whole year :]

Wieners.

        An old friend of mine came over today. Before I go into that though, I'll give some background information. TO and I met when I was in 8th grade and he a freshman at Chinese school. He then went to IMSA (Illinois Math and Science Academy) starting his sophomore year so we never actually went to the same school. I liked him my freshman year, and he's had a string of Asian girlfriends. 
        Last summer we hung out once, and he told me that if he hadn't switched schools he would probably have asked me out. That was weird of him to say, considering he had a girlfriend at the time. In the spring we hung out again during badminton season. Then yesterday he came over and I made him "lunch" (ramen and box rice haha.) Somehow we ended up making out, only for about ten seconds though. He started it! Today he took me out to lunch, and then we were back at my house. We made out, among other things. After like three hours, we got to third base, but I didn't reciprocate. 
        I was feeling weird about it the whole time, and he could tell. It wasn't that I was comparing him to D or anything. It was more like I couldn't help being reminded of him. I feel a little bit guilty about it all happening so quick, even after the stuff with D happened. It's not like we are boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. Yet, I also wonder what's wrong with letting things like this happen. I didn't ask for it, it took some convincing, and I didn't reciprocate. I think what I really need to do is let the schema of skankiness go. I'm worried about what people would think, I'm worried that I will hate myself later. Why should I care though? Should it really matter that we are probably not going to officially go together, seeing as he is going to college and such? 
        I'm starting to see that a casual hookup is little different from masturbation, it's just a release of physical tensions. Not that this was a casual hookup, but I suppose it was something close. What I really really want to do is free my sexuality from D. This is my sexuality, and it should not forever be infused with ideas of D. I don't expect TO to bring me my next hurricane of a relationship, but what I do hope for is to get a little piece of myself back. 
-T.

Hey, remember when...

• you left popped veins on my butt
• you left teeth marks on my boob
• you tried to fuck my nonexistent tits hahahaha
• you called my labia "foreskin"
• I told you I was sending you a hot pic of myself but really it was a picture of your own dick hahahaha
• you showed ZJ and ZV pictures of my butt -.-
• you told me I looked as hot as Adriana Lima when my hair was curled
• we had sex in your car in the middle of a tornado warning and thunderstorm, that was really nice
• after we had sex in the thunderstorm you kept getting freaking out because you just saw this scary vampire movie and I totally looked like one of the vampires
• I went along with it and pretended like I was going to suck all your blood out
• I told you I didn't believe that we live on in any way after we die you started crying and kept saying that "there has to be something"
• my feet were in the air and you stopped doing what you were doing just to kiss them
• you had blood in your poop for a few weeks hahahaha
• we were macking on my couch and my dad came home and you were totally not supposed to be here and you looked like you just pissed yourself and started trying to run away even though you were pretty much caught
• we were going to name our child Isaac after Isaac Newton, the inventor of calculus
• we were going to call him Ike for short, like that one kid's little brother on South Park
• we used a glow-in-the-dark condom, that was cool
• it wasn't cool when it broke
• you ate me out during our nature walk on a beautiful sunny day that was amazing
• we had so much sex that your balls got achy and so we had to do it sideways
• you wanted to be a neurosurgeon but you couldn't stand the sight of blood or the thought of work
• you had me convinced for a few weeks that you were an illegal alien from Poland and you and your family washed dishes on cruise ships for three months before getting to come here
• we had the best time ever telling each other sweet nothings
• we had the best time ever just looking at each other
• we had the best time ever.

-T.



saw this on my friend's blog

... and thought, oh I've done that before.

 

It was actually really wonderful. One of the best things ever. 

Until he started freaking out afterwords because he legitimately thought I was a vampire.

-T.

August 17

 

[http://www.postsecret.com/]

i'm ridiculous.

[9:04:24 PM] T: hi.
[9:36:23 PM] D: hey
[9:36:40 PM] T: whats up?
[9:36:56 PM] D: was playing CoD w/ SJ
[9:37:08 PM] T: kyoot
[9:37:38 PM] T: so..
[9:37:44 PM] T: i kind of really need to know
[9:37:51 PM] T: why did you have to lie to me so much?
[9:37:58 PM] D: I didn't...
[9:37:58 PM] T: ugh that sounds really harsh but
[9:38:04 PM] T: like that i was beautiful
[9:38:11 PM] T: and that i was your best girlfriend
[9:38:19 PM] T: and that you had never had sex with anyone you loved before
[9:38:24 PM] D: You were
[9:38:34 PM] D: and then it changed
[9:38:58 PM] T: well most of all
[9:39:17 PM] T: i told you that i was psychotic and i have all these issues
[9:39:31 PM] T: and u said that you were fine with it, that you were the same way.
[9:39:37 PM] T: so i thought you would understand..
[9:40:19 PM] BD: I thought I could, but it was too much
[9:40:37 PM] T: then why would you tell me all those things when you didn;t know..
[9:40:49 PM] T: and you said you would never hurt me
[9:40:52 PM] T: :[
[9:41:34 PM] D: i tried not to... I let you down the best way I knew how to... stop tyring to make me feel bad, it was a month ago and you said you were ok w/ it
[9:42:04 PM] T: sorry.. i'm not trying to make you feel bad.
[9:42:32 PM] T: some things just don't add up in my head
[9:42:43 PM] T: maybe if i didnt say that one thing in the car everything would have been alright
[9:42:51 PM] T: or if i hadnt freaked out at you on christmas
[9:42:57 PM] T: or after finals.
[9:43:18 PM] D: well how about you just let it go? It's in the past... move on
[9:43:46 PM] T: do you think i dont want to?
[9:43:56 PM] D: yes
[9:43:57 PM] T: its not even you that i want.
[9:44:05 PM] T: its the fact that someone was there to love me.
[9:44:15 PM] D: so you dont want me... got it
[9:44:42 PM] T: now that i pushed away the only person who could ever love me, i cant see how anyone could ever like me the way i am
[9:44:52 PM] T: so i have to fake it for the rest of my life.
[9:45:01 PM] D: you dont know that many people...
[9:45:13 PM] T: does it matter?
[9:45:20 PM] D: yes
[9:45:33 PM] T: if anyone takes the time to get to know me again, it will end up the same.
[9:45:42 PM] D: stop bringing other people down w/ your saddness
[9:46:20 PM] D: Frisbee friday?
[9:46:29 PM] T: ...
[9:46:38 PM] T: i feel really bad about all this, i really do
[9:46:48 PM] T: i hate the fact that im ranting to you right now
[9:46:52 PM] D: so yea... frisbee friday?
[9:47:28 PM] T: no, i have badminton
[9:47:47 PM] T: plus everyone there would know me as your depressing exgf who cant play frisbee.
[9:48:50 PM] T: im so sorry about all this. im sorry you had to get to know me and i had to be such a let down.
[9:49:16 PM] D: just stop
[9:49:16 PM] T: now you can tell the next girl that you have only dated crazies before, and you never had sex with anyone you loved before.
[9:49:38 PM] D: omfg shut your mouth
[9:49:57 PM] D: im done talking, go to bed and calm down, ill see you tomorrow
[9:50:13 PM] T: D, you have hurt me more than anyone has ever done before.
[9:50:24 PM] T: its not just me, everyone knows you are a rude person.
[9:50:38 PM] D: bye
[9:51:15 PM] T: you humiliate the male species.
[9:51:28 PM] D: thanks
[9:51:43 PM] T: im lashing out right now, but you really  need to be more considerate
[9:51:52 PM] T: this is something i never had the balls to say while we were dating, and i wish i had.
[9:52:03 PM] D: no, you either like me or you dont, stop talking to me please, thanks
[9:52:09 PM] T: okay.
[9:52:13 PM] T: have a nice life.
[9:52:23 PM] T: i hope you are happy with what you have done to me.
[9:52:23 PM] D: I ment for the night... go to bed
[9:52:38 PM] T: i dont sleep anymore, BD.
[9:53:02 PM] T: good night. sweet dreams.

twice.

        I'm afraid I've lost D for good. He lied to me so sweetly. First that he loved me so much and would never hurt me. That lie was discovered and is out. I've accepted it. That lie was silly in the first place, almost laughable. I should have never believed his perfectly phrased promises presented with just the right amounts of bashfulness and humility.

        Secondly, he said we were going to be friends. I was ready to go back to being our pre-teen romance selves. We almost did it. Still, I can tell that I pester him. I am the last person he would invite to any occasion. I once lit up his world, and now I am the bothersome stain on his favorite jeans that just doesn't seem to come off. I disgust myself, the pleading in my words and my glances that even I can sense disgusts me. Be my friend, speak to me, tell me anything, acknowledge me, hold me. He wants to help me, but only because he is obligated to do so. Not because he wants to. 

        How could I be so dumb to allow myself to be so immersed in a trivial teenage romance? I never thought I would be that girl. The average age for an American to lose his or her virginity is about sixteen. I used to think ew. I read a book in which a guy lost his virginity at age fifteen. Repulsive. Those girls on sixteen and pregnant? I was one step away from becoming one of them. Me, the grade skipper, with all my smarts and 2370 and 35. One time, D and I were walking in the hallway behind a pregnant sophomore at our school. He had us loiter a little so we wouldn't have to walk right behind her and so he wouldn't have to look at her. She was "disgusting, for keeping it at this age!" I almost burst into tears. He told me early on that if I got pregnant it would be totally up to me to keep the child or abort. What we were doing, his favorite act in the world, was pretty much the equivalent to that sophomore girl, who was probably just my age.

        I never want to judge anyone ever again. He's not who I thought he was, but then again I wasn't who he thought I was either. At least I have something that he doesn't. I have compassion. I love humanity, I truly do. I don't always love its actions or people even, but I try to see from everyone's point of view. I might hate what you do, but I love that you think differently from me. I want to learn and I want to see the world through other people's eyes. None of us think the same, and that is marvelous. I trust that while a given person may be misguided or ill, he means to do well. Our good intentions may be misplaced, but they are always good. I can and want to feel your pain.

-T.

his-story.

        The first time I met D, I knew he was going to be something special in my life. I barely looked at him, and he barely looked at me. Still, I noticed his pretty eyes. I told him so. We didn't meet again until at least four months later. During that interval, I gazed at him in the hallways. He never noticed me. That was okay, I never expected him to. I didn't even know his name.

        Then D added me on Facebook. Not like we talked on it or anything. For me, it was a thrill to just stalk his pictures. Once, he got a cute blonde girlfriend. I noticed that all his girlfriends were similar: white, skinny, athletic looking, naturally fresh-faced preppy teens. He'd never notice me. I never expected him to. That was okay with me. 

        ZJ brought him to my friend's pool party. I thought there was some minor flirting, but I attributed that to him just being a gorgeous ladies' man. He talked about his girlfriend. He left the party early to go hang out with her. She was "so hot!!" A few days later, he asked me for my number via Facebook. Probably just to text and stuff.

        There was another pool party. Everyone took turns telling each other scary stories in the dark. I sat next to him, whimpering girlishly. He put his arm around me. OH. I restrained my glee. He had his So Hot girlfriend, after all. When we turned the lights on, he looked at his phone and sighed. D mentioned that he and his girlfriend just broke up three hours earlier. That was sorta quick, isn't there some kind of three day waiting period?

        We played truth or dare after that. I licked him from chin to belly button. He unhooked my bra through my shirt. We became official a few weeks later. The rest is history.

        It's so amazing to think that such a series of random, nonchalant events could lead to something so deep and maddening. I knew I would admire him, but I always thought it would just be from afar. Who would have thought that he would be the one to show me love. He would show me what a real make out session was like. He would show me that I really could lose my self-consciousness and drown in carnal pleasure. I learned so much. 

        It's perplexing to me how something so beautiful could happen by chance. I guess this is where people get to believing all this fate nonsense. Really though, it was so perfect, it couldn't have been an accident. It is so difficult to fathom that the fates could have led us together only to tear us apart again. All that I invested and changed about myself was for naught. It was so useless. It was so beautiful.
-T.

overture.

I can't believe it's finally over. After all this time. I've invested so much into it, and we once had a love so pure, not even sex tainted it. Except it did. After the love dissipated, all we had left was the ugly reminder that I had given myself to him wholly. I had let him into the dark secret parts of me that I never thought I would trust anyone enough to show. And now he will keep that guilt forever. I will too. 

Everything we had is dead. I should have mourned it already though, because it perished long ago. Yet I still can't stop thinking about all the things I could have done to fix it. All the terrible things I could have not said. Even if we are right for each other, we definitely aren't right now. This is for his happiness, and for my sanity. 

Good thing we don't have to fake it through Valentine's day. This is so hurtful. This is so right.

I wish I never met him. I wish I never fell for his beautiful blue eyes, his secure height, his adorable gray patch, his family, his touch, his voice, his charm, his adoration. 
-T.

Something I wrote last night...

The following was written in the wee hours of early this morning, the first time I wrote my feelings down in a long time:

        Silly to cry over a boy stupid stupid. I have better things I need to concentrate on. And yet, my heart has never ached so hard. A dull, throbbing, merciless hurt. I want to turn it off I want to be happy. D, my boyfriend, if you can still call him that, wants me to be happy too. However, he goes about it in the wrong way. I am starved of affection. My efforts are futile, they backfire. If I reveal how hopeless I feel, I am once again succumbing to negativity. The more I see him the more I hurt. Is this his cruel punishment for me? To torture me into happiness? I tell myself he is trying to help, and he is, but he hurts me with it.

        Why can't I be his perfect dream of a girl I once was? He would rather spend time with that one girl, EG. In fact, I feel as if all he does is spend time with her. She is so happy, so naturally full of pep. So pretty, so skinny, and she's white. The worst is that she is so perfect, so nice, so genuine, it should be a sin to hate her. Yet I can't help but do so. I am the ugly stepsister. Every single day they are together. If ZJ (D's best friend and my good childhood friend) didn't have her, I'm sure he would leave me for her by now. It is both a blessing and a curse. I am glad she is taken, unavailable, but I almost want to see what he would do. She is everything I am not. She embodies everything he wants me to be. 

        Would he still have loved me in the beginning, had he known what I would reveal of myself later? I think not. That's the part that hurts the most, that all his warmth and love and charm was not meant for me, but the illusion of who I made myself. I lost myself to a rash, hot teenage fling, not to pristine companionship and love. 

       How absolutely ironic that in the beginning, I was the one who could not just let go and love. He pined for me like I was a precious gem. Now here I am, unwanted trash.

My true darkness was gilded with girlish cheeriness. 

She was who he fell in love with. 

She was who he made love to. 

Towards me, he has only ever felt resentment and weariness.

-T.