I don't think I can be friends with SY. It's unfortunate, because I really do think that she is a great and hilarious person with a kind heart. The only thing I wasn't so fond of about her is that she has a small scope on the world, but that can change. Except I won't be there to see her change, because she's shut me out. I've apologized and tried to talk to her about it numerous times, but to no avail. We're acting normal now I guess, but there is still something tense and uncomfortable. I want to just be done with it now though, it's such a bother. I've been through friendship drama before, and the last time was freshman year. I wronged RS, and then I apologized sincerely, and then it was done and we became closer than ever. That time I actually did something legitimately bad, but we still got over it. SY's reaction to something that I didn't even see as an issue kind of blows my mind.
I think I know why she reacted that way though. SY is used to people doting on her and chasing her, especially when it comes to boys, and that's understandable. She's beautiful and fantastic and has always been popular. I was the least close to her out of the physics clique, but that's also because I've known RS and DC for way longer, and EE I can just relate to a little bit more. I thought that this conflict was minor if it existed at all, and something we could work past, but I guess not. I'm not the type to beg her to be my friend again and tell her that I love her so much and whatever it is that people do. She's not used to people like me and doesn't understand, and that's okay. We have a different outlook on friendships and so we just can't have one, at least not right now. It is sort of disturbing I guess that I don't even particularly care, but this is what I had been guarding myself against all along. It's a good thing I never was really attached because this was always going to happen.
The most unfortunate part of this situation is the impact on the other clique members overall. They are freaking out more than I am. We might hang out together but it won't be the same. It's too bad, because I really thought I had found a group to stick with for a while. I can't even give this blog to RS, who was originally the first to have it, simply because she's in the group. But that's okay, she stays up all night on the phone with SY anyway, so they have each other now at least.
All of this has underscored once again my problems with having friends. Psychology says that there's hope for me however. I only need friends who will stand by me and reassure me constantly, and eventually over time a sense of security will take hold. This rift would not have happened ever between me and RS/DC/even EE just because of who they are, but it happened with YS, and by extension the physics clique can't be the friend group that helps me out of the rut. I'll work it out for myself eventually, I have to.
-T.
Showing posts with label RS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RS. Show all posts
2.22.2012
2.19.2012
stake & sheak
It's a four-day weekend and I have too much time on my hands but I like that sort of. I had a sleepover with the physics clique, and this one was strange. I talked to DC about it and she felt the same way. It's hard to describe, and I don't want to write anything here that's made up in my head lest it bring up things that don't exist. I've been feeling uncomfortable with they physics clique. Individually I like everyone just fine, but something about everyone being in the group makes me panic even more than individual friends. There are so many more possibilities for things to go wrong, so much ridiculous animosity and jealousy that can happen. I'm the most jealous of SY. She's so beautiful and gets to buy whatever she wants and has the best personality. All the boys in the world have a crush on her. She has the nicest boobs because they are the right size and not obnoxiously in your face ever. I wish I had her personality and her body and her life. And now she and RS have something that's bad but EE's right, I do kind of wish I had it too even though I know how bad it is. As a result of my jealousy I think I was mean to SY. And I hate myself for that. I did the same thing to XK last year. I'm the worst. Jealousy actually makes no sense and why would I ever feel it? Anyway, a lot of things reminded me of how much I am afraid of friends. I don't want to depend on anyone and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I am unconsciously pulling away and trying to break us up, except it's not unconscious because I know I'm doing it and that's okay with me.
Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.
-T.
Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.
-T.
2.11.2012
good times.
EE had a bad scary day ahead of her on Friday so the Physics Clique planned a sleepover and fun times for the night. And by fun times I mean drinking. We added RS to the clique, which we had been meaning to do for a while and I'm so glad we did. Drinking has its bad connotations and for good reason. It makes people do stupid things that they never would have while sober. It's also basically like putting poison in your body. But I think that done in moderation it's just like unhealthy food and shouldn't have that many long-term health effects, and I could be wrong but either way it was kind of needed that day. I hadn't gotten totally wasted in a long time, and it was the perfect opportunity.
The five of us were having a grand time. I took a few drinks, but didn't feel anything. Cleverly I decided then to take about six drinks in a row just because I wanted to feel it. It burned in my throat. Ten minutes later EE and I were rolling on the floor and motor skills deteriorated throughout the night. YS hid the drinks from us and that was a good idea because I thought the rolling around was as bad as it was going to get. I forgot that I'm a lightweight and it takes a while to take effect. RS and EE had never met before but they shared their stories with each other and became fast friends and it was so good. RS was just the person who was missing from the clique. If I made zero new friends for the rest of my life I think that would be fine. I love everyone in the group so much. Our insecurities almost complement each other.
YS was hunkered over the garbage most of the time and barfed at least twice I think. Anyway, it became a really cathartic experience for everyone, with EE and I sobbing a lot a lot a lot and then I had gross puffy eyes. The two of us collapsed on the floor, and I threw up in a trash can about ten times at once. DC is literally such a productive drunk. She cleaned the trash can and baked and decorated a fucking rainbow cake for us. She's unbelievable. She took care of all of us. EE and I slept on the floor where we collapsed and cuddled and talked and I needed to pee but couldn't move so I gave up. Eventually DC came downstairs once she was done with the cake and then at that point I could move so we talked a lot again while SY and RS were sleeping. We finally went to sleep around 3AM. Everything was perfect.
I woke up super early to go take my driver's test to get my license. I drove half an hour to the DMV while I couldn't even see properly still. The DMV was closed. I drove back home. I really wanted to pass the driver's test while I was still sort of drunk though, that would have been funny. Overall it was the most perfect night even though I felt sick and stuff. Now I know the limits that I had forgotten. I won't get so shit faced and gross at a college party and I won't drink like this without a safe environment. I love the physics clique so so much. I was so glad that I could go and be there for EE. It was sad and emotional because I guess maybe I'm an emotional drunk, but the alcohol kept us honest and open. It was the happiest day in a long time. I love them.
-T.
The five of us were having a grand time. I took a few drinks, but didn't feel anything. Cleverly I decided then to take about six drinks in a row just because I wanted to feel it. It burned in my throat. Ten minutes later EE and I were rolling on the floor and motor skills deteriorated throughout the night. YS hid the drinks from us and that was a good idea because I thought the rolling around was as bad as it was going to get. I forgot that I'm a lightweight and it takes a while to take effect. RS and EE had never met before but they shared their stories with each other and became fast friends and it was so good. RS was just the person who was missing from the clique. If I made zero new friends for the rest of my life I think that would be fine. I love everyone in the group so much. Our insecurities almost complement each other.
YS was hunkered over the garbage most of the time and barfed at least twice I think. Anyway, it became a really cathartic experience for everyone, with EE and I sobbing a lot a lot a lot and then I had gross puffy eyes. The two of us collapsed on the floor, and I threw up in a trash can about ten times at once. DC is literally such a productive drunk. She cleaned the trash can and baked and decorated a fucking rainbow cake for us. She's unbelievable. She took care of all of us. EE and I slept on the floor where we collapsed and cuddled and talked and I needed to pee but couldn't move so I gave up. Eventually DC came downstairs once she was done with the cake and then at that point I could move so we talked a lot again while SY and RS were sleeping. We finally went to sleep around 3AM. Everything was perfect.
I woke up super early to go take my driver's test to get my license. I drove half an hour to the DMV while I couldn't even see properly still. The DMV was closed. I drove back home. I really wanted to pass the driver's test while I was still sort of drunk though, that would have been funny. Overall it was the most perfect night even though I felt sick and stuff. Now I know the limits that I had forgotten. I won't get so shit faced and gross at a college party and I won't drink like this without a safe environment. I love the physics clique so so much. I was so glad that I could go and be there for EE. It was sad and emotional because I guess maybe I'm an emotional drunk, but the alcohol kept us honest and open. It was the happiest day in a long time. I love them.
-T.
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