the last math team meet.

        Math team state was yesterday. Nine of us went down to U of I. I called up SJ, AJ, and BD, hoping to get to see them. SJ and AJ came out to meet me, while BD is still ignoring me. SJ had tried to convince him to come hang out with us for half an hour, to no avail. I made SJ take us to his dorm anyway, which was a devastatingly hot 20 minute walk from the quad. SJ and AJ went into his room first. A few seconds later I walked in and BD made almost a squealing noise, and hid under the covers. We futilely poked and prodded at him for about fifteen minutes before giving up and leaving.
        I feel awful. It was so bad of me to start seeing someone else within two weeks of breaking up with him. He hasn't been doing well at all. He got even fatter, and is now back into World of Warcraft so basically his life is being sucked away. He has made no new friends. SJ tells me that he doesn't even know his dorm neighbors. I am assuming he hasn't been talking to any girls, except to ask random ones if they want to hookup (I still have his Facebook password oops.) He is still tweeting about me and making Facebook statuses about me, even though he has removed me on both social networking sites. I sent him a Facebook message, to which I know he won't respond.
        Does he not remember when ZJ shut him out of his life? How could he do this to me now? He was the one who always said that exes should still be at least civil to each other. Actually I'm such an insensitive person. I can't blame him. Strong emotions lead to such irrationality and that's why I hate them and that's also why I love them. I've hurt him so much and he doesn't mean that much to me anymore. Except that I will always still care about him and want him to do well in life. It kills me to see him lazing away and wallowing in self-pity. Nothing I'm typing makes sense because emotions don't make sense. Everything changed at the drop of a hat. How much of our efforts in these matters actually count? I couldn't keep BD and I together no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't keep me and LE from happening no matter how in denial I was. My life and where its headed is so promising right now. I don't want any of it to change, except I want BD to talk to me again. I want to help him. I could get all of what I want, or all of what I don't want.
I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm just so inarticulate so I'm just going to stop.
-T.

byeeee :[

        I wrote my favorite seniors some lengthy letters, since tomorrow is their last day of school. I just want to let them know that they will be missed and that they really impacted my life. I am so proud of all of them and I care about them so much. This afternoon I was writing them and I just ended up bawling while listening to some quality crying songs.
        It's so strange to see that the potentiality of losing a friendship, just because of someone moving onto a new stage of life or going far away or whatever reason, really makes me realize the value of that friendship. Before, I really thought that there were only a handful of people I really appreciated fully. Yet, I must have written ten letters or so! After one person read his, he came up to me and told me it was so sweet and so nice of me and gave me a hug. I almost started to cry right then and there. They're not even leaving yet, imagine how it will be tomorrow. I must arm myself with the waterproof mascara!
       This reminds me yet again that life moves so quickly. There were so many people I needed to have more time with. There was so much unfinished business. There were also so many seniors that I meant to talk to and get to know but I never took the chance too. I guess that's what those letter were for. I couldn't leave anything unsaid. I couldn't have them leave without them knowing what they mean to me, and to make sure they keep in touch with me. Everything we've been through together has really shaped me as a person. 
         Once again, words are not enough to describe my mixed feelings of gratitude, regret, appreciation, nostalgia, joy, attachment, and so much more. So many people have touched my life, there is no way for me to show enough how I appreciate that. 
THANK YOU: LE, SC, D, KA, TT, ZJ, SJ, AJ, XK, RA, ZV, WA, & countless others!!
-T.

shut up, bishh

Dear EG:

        You get away with being pretty. I have no idea how, because you are really bony and weird looking and have no boobs or waist or butt or even thighs to speak of. Your nose is huge and not defined in the least, and you have a ginormous forehead. Your eyebrows are too long, they don't frame your features correctly.Your lips are thin but still big, in a way that makes them fishy and floppy. When you laugh your eyes go even smaller than mine and your neck bones or whatever pop out and you get this double chin that isn't even some healthy plump, but weird saggy skin. Still, you're "pretty." Actually, D said you're hot. I really don't see it, but good for you.

        You don't even laugh at anything worth laughing about. Sometimes I think you're just fake, but then I realize that that's who you are. Just an artificial "pretty" girl who can't carry on a meaningful conversation because you have nothing meaningful in your brain. Sure, you can chat about classical music, which is special, but that's because you are a fake Asian. Seriously though, your favorite celebrities are Korean pop stars, and you are HISPANIC. What are you trying to do? You got into U of I on a generous scholarship, and that's amazing, until we remember that you only got that because of affirmative action.

        Call me envious. Sure, I am. You are so nice and you get everyone to like you (until they realize what a bore you are.) Someday I just know that you will be a wonderful trophy wife. You are so domestic and you love cooking and shopping and fashion and children. Yet you will never intimidate any man by showing any hint of special intelligence or deep conversationalism. Lucky you.

        For now, I am just especially sick of the way that it seems that you have stolen my life. As my wonderful AP U.S. History teacher, Mr. RT would say, you "raped the fields" of everyone who once brought me joy. Do what you want, but please stop rubbing it in my face. Please stop posting facebook statuses every day about how you are going this place or that place with all these people who would once go to these places with me. Please stop writing on the walls of people who would once write on mine. You've taken one of my best friends, ZJ, away from me. He was my closest tie to normal friendship. Your existence caused D and NS and XK and SJ and CJ and I'm sure countless others to realize what I drag I am compared to you. They are happier with you now. That's fine, but please stop reminding me of all this.

        I have never in my life hated anyone like I hate you now. I am glad you will never read this, because it is horrible. It would only serve to remind you and everyone else why I am despised.

-T.

ambiguity.

        Last night I went to a party of family friends at ZJ's house. He wasn't there. That was okay. I just wanted to wallow by myself anyway. Later he came though. He brought with him EG, D, and SJ. They just returned from a tour at U of I. I had not mentally prepared myself! And I was wearing my lazy weekend clothes and did minimal blah makeup!! ahhh. Still, it was nice to see them. Though I know that they did not go there to see me. SJ asked me, "are you going to NS's party tomorrow?" I replied, "uhh, guess not, seeing as I heard about it until now." Awk. I guess NS finds me bothersome now too.

       Anyway, SJ got into U of I early decision. EG got in the same way, and with a large scholarship. Yay her. D and ZJ just got wait-listed. Sucks, seeing as how D has not applied to anywhere else because he's a lazy bum even though he's smarter and better than that. I hope he gets in though. Well, maybe I want him to get away from EG.I know, I'm terrible. Either way, it shouldn't matter to me, should it? I often wonder if I'm ever going to see any of them again once they go off to college...

        Back to last night. It was only a little awkward. At first I kept worrying about not being too forward or ambiguous with my words and actions towards D. He was encouraging and carefree. He hugged me once. I nearly cried. I wonder if he noticed the pimple thing by my mouth. He rubbed and tugged at the back of my bra once. We had a few tickle fights. He fell asleep. I covered him with a blanket. In a momentary haze of half-sleep, he held my hand. He touched my lips. He fell asleep again. I kissed the top of his head. My fingers grazed his hair and feathered the nape of his neck. He shrank away. 

-T.