INFJ

I've been thinking about my Myers-Briggs type a lot lately, especially since I found that two of the people that I love the most and have the best conversations with are INFJ as well. I think that's remarkable, considering it is the most rare type and consists of about 1-3% of the population. YI and VK are so cool and funny and intellectual and great and I'm really glad to be categorized with them. I have to ask SC what her type is, because I have a suspicion that she could be as well. She's someone who I can not talk to for months or probably even years, and still get along with and feel close to.

Read all about me here.

I don't think that I have an especially strong intuition the point of being psychic, but here are some things that really stand out to me:

• "INFJs grow up feeling “different” from their peers. The more pronounced their Introversion and Intuition, the more estranged they are likely to feel. Young INFJs also feel misunderstood by their elders, who can be quick to ignore or dismiss their precocious insights and observations. If given unsympathetic circumstances, INFJs may come to feel isolated or rejected rather early in life."
• "Growing out of their distrust of first-blush appearances, INFJs are reluctant to trust majority opinion. They are often the last to read a bestseller, feeling that if everyone else (i.e., the majority of whom are prone to being fooled by appearances) thinks it is good, it probably is not worth their time. Like INTs, however, INFJs can be suckers for a good conspiracy theory, appealing to their sense that “most things are not what they seem.”"
• "They rival and resemble INTs in their level of openness and hunger for new ideas and perspectives. In some regards, they may actually eclipse INTs with regard to intellectual openness, readily appreciating both science and literature, fiction and nonfiction, poetry and prose."
• "The inner world of INFJs in many ways resembles the outer world of ENFPs. It is playful, colorful, mischievous, and daring." --LE is ENFP and this is so true. I couldn't put my finger on it before but this is exactly what makes us so compatible. He brings out a lot of the things that I am inclined keep in my head.
• There is also a reference to INFJs loving shoes. This is so strange and perfect.
• "Many INFJs struggle with bouts of depression, which may relate to any number of things. They may, for instance, get depressed when they feel their creative inspiration has left them. Or, because of their otherworldliness, they may struggle with feeling deeply alone and misunderstood. Depression may also stem from feeling dissatisfied in their careers or relationships. They may dream of having a beautiful home adorned with beautiful things, but feel stuck in a low-paying job that they are reluctant to quit because of a poor economy."
• "Perhaps more than anything, INFJs love spending time engrossed in meaningful conversation. Because of their verbosity and enjoyment of others’ company, they can easily be mistaken for Extraverts."
• "They often feel more like recipients than they do creators of their ingenious ideas"
• "Fe plays a role in perceiving and empathizing with others’ emotions. It helps INFJs intuitively recreate another’s emotion state within themselves. This allows them to know from within what another person is experiencing. This ability to profoundly empathize with others allows INFJs to understand and counsel people more effectively than any other type."
• "In many cases, INFJs do not know fully understand what their Ni is telling them until they are given the opportunity to verbalize it. They may have a hunch or a gut feeling, but the content of the intuition remains somewhat nebulous until it is expressed via their Fe."
• "They can also seem quite intense in their communication since their words are infused with the emotion of their Fe. Consequently, their expressions may seem exaggerated, dramatic, or irrational, especially to Thinking types. INFJs can also be susceptible to self-pity and self-loathing, seeing themselves as victims. They may curse the fact that life isn’t fair, feeling that they always end up with the short end of the stick."
• "INFJs are usually not looking for others to solve their problem, but only to offer support, empathy, and reassurance. Without such an outlet, INFJs can begin to feel isolated and depressed, turning to their inner fantasy world as a means of escape. And while fantasizing may seem helpful in the short-term, it usually makes the real world seem even less tolerable and can exacerbate existing frustrations toward life."
• "Those who are especially precocious may be disposed to questioning the veracity of what the teacher or other students are saying. They may also feel compelled to criticize what they see as ineffective methods of instruction or discipline. At the same time, however, INFJs want to please the teacher and to maintain external harmony. This again leaves them feeling torn between allegiance to their Ni penchant for truth versus their Fe people-pleasing."
•  "With time, INFJs settle into a healthy balance between their Ni and Ti, intuitively knowing how to apply their Ti without spoiling the delicious insights proffered by their Intuition."
• "INFJs commonly find that the world can seem indifferent and recalcitrant toward their idealistic visions. The disparity between their inner ideal (Ni) and the challenges of its outward implementation can be deeply disappointing and disheartening for INFJs. Because of the strength of their idealism, many INFJs struggle to feel satisfied with anything less than a perfect replica of their initial vision. What others view as a success, an INFJ may consider an abject failure."
•  "INFJs know they have been entrusted with much, so they expect much more from themselves than they do from others."
• "Despite their love for the material treasures and pleasures the world has to offer, INFJs have a commensurate need to discount or downplay the importance of “things” in their lives. After all, INFJs tell themselves that they are supposed to be concerned with the metaphysical (Ni) rather than the physical (Se). They are quick to criticize Sensing types for their materialism while surreptitiously envying them for having it." - this is extremely relevant to recent thoughts.
•  "INFJs’ need to see themselves as unique and unconventional also plays into this struggle. Some may balk at the idea of marriage and children, for instance, seeing this as the path for less reflective S types. At the same time, INFJs envy S types who seem happy and generally content with their lot in life."
• "In their weaker moments, INFJs can get caught up in the grip of their Se. Like INTJs, even the most responsible INFJs may suddenly throw caution to the wind and turn to thrill seeking. They may turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, extravagant vacations, or shopping binges to indulge their Se."
•  "When it comes to people and humanitarian issues, INFJs typically feel they have answers, or at least have the capacity to generate one. INFJs feel that in order to solve the myriad humanitarian crises facing the world, we must first gain a better foothold on the fundamentals of human nature and human behavior. We need to better understand ourselves—our motives, behaviors, and personality...They also enjoy receiving new insights into people as they going about helping them. INFJs are least content when they become too caught up in themselves and their own personal grievances."
• "When engrossed in creative flow, they experience themselves in perfect synchrony with the universe. Some have described this as a trance, an altered state of consciousness in which they morph into a vessel of creative energy...When engrossed in a creative stint, they may write for hours, occasionally even days, without rest. They may feel that, should they stop, they will lose out on the wealth of insights that are effortlessly flowing through them."

Oopsie I am so very sorry if you felt the need to read all of that, but it was a very long article and I really felt like nothing has pinned me so well. The fact that it's an extremely rare type makes me stupidly glad. Everyone should tell me their types so that I can read about them and get to know them better. I'm reading about ENFP now bye.
-T.

Update: SC is INFP. Close enough! 

my grandma's here

        My grandma flew in from Seattle last week and she's going to stay with us for about another month. She's pretty much awesome, she cooks the best food and she is really sane which is odd considering she is my mom's mom. In fact, the most amazing thing happened the other day: she yelled at my mom for basically being an insolent, immature, selfish child. My mother is seriously the hypocrite of the century. She was trying to get my grandma to shut up with stupid sarcasm and saying "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" over and over while my grandma was talking. Yet, she scorns me when I am sarcastic. I have literally no respect for her, the only thing that keeps me from bitching her out most of the time is because I know it will just make her even more annoying. My mom doesn't take criticism from anyone, and I doubt she really took it to heart even though it was her mom, but she shut up for once. Of course, then afterwords she was driving me and it was really scary because she has the worst road rage and I was in fear for my life. Still, it was so incredibly worth it. My grandma also told her that my sister and I would end up having that horrible attitude rub off on us, and my mom shouldn't blame us if we act a certain way. This was my most righteous moment because I have been telling my mom this for years, which of course always backfires. I tell her that I get my bad attitude from her, and she says that it's my fault, that I should know to only learn the good things from her. This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, because that's like saying from birth I should have been able to differentiate good qualities from bad and only selectively emulate them. Of course, she has no logic so when I try to explain things to her, she pulls the, "I went to college, you didn't, I am so much more experienced than you are." If I'm so stupid then why does she waste her breath on me? I just wish she could see things from any point of view other than her own, because absolutely everyone knows that she is insane. She is such a negative person that I am so not surprised that I have had so much emotional trouble with myself.
        On weekends like today, she wakes me up by telling me I am a lazy fat ass and slams my door. She screams at me that it's 11 o'clock and I am so selfish by sleeping. I wake up and look at the clock and it's 10:15. It's like everything she tries to get me to do, she does it by attempting to guilt me into doing it. I do not want to wake up when the first sign of day is my bat shit crazy mother. Furthermore, I am not a lazy fat ass because I normally get around five hours of sleep during weekdays, resulting in an accumulation of about 18 hours of sleep. I am sorry if I want to sleep in during weekends. I am sorry that my brain needs rest and you can't understand that. I try to stop rewarding her asinine behavior by not listening to her when she is acting like that, but of course then she threatens me by saying she won't drive me to here or there or take me to the doctor so I can't win. I can't wait to move out.
-T.

Powderpuff

        Yesterday was my school's powderpuff game, in which junior and senior girls play football against one another as a Homecoming tradition. They dress up in decorated, glittery, skanky uniforms with punny/intimidating names. They create chants and bully one another, each trying to establish their dominance over the other grade level. Frankly, it's a classic example of the basic principle of social psychology. No matter our innate qualities, the situation and expectations of others will greatly skew our behaviors. The moment the teams are arbitrarily split by grade level, hostility and group-think is instantly created. With group-think comes group polarization, in which initially mild group decisions become increasingly extreme. Here is a Lord of the Flies scenario in action. I also cannot help but call to mind Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment.
        I participated last year, and couldn't help feeling silly and idiotic. During the school day there was endless bullying and glitter everywhere throughout the school. The seniors last year chanted a girl's name just because they hated her. This girl honestly was indeed very hate-worthy, but the chanting was incredibly unnecessary. During the game in the evening, there were several injuries, including one girl bleeding from the mouth from another girl ramming her head against her. This year, I chose not to participate in this savage activity, partially because of my personal gripes about it, and also because it seemed a waste of time and $60. This event is an excuse be absolutely obnoxious, it is not about football and it is not about school spirit. The vast majority of girls at my school are polite, civil persons the rest of the year. Powderpuff makes for a great social psychology example. I am sure that I would have acted similarly ridiculous had I joined in, and that realization of my own innate savage nature is frightening.
       I thought I would feel left out, but oddly enough, I felt very alternative which was kind of funny. Every class I was in some girl piped, "we should take a class powderpuff picture!" and I would be the only girl not in it. I felt like so not mainstream, it was great. I still helped my friends with their punny names and their fun makeup. A guy whom I have not spoken to since 8th grade came up to me in the hallway and said, "I heard you were the only senior girl not doing this stupid thing. That's awesome." It absolutely made my school day. After classes, we had a homecoming assembly which would undoubtedly be filled with more brutality. I skipped it and had D pick me up. Of course though, as I was ten feet from his car, I was stopped by a parapro and forced me to return to the assembly. Since it was already half over and I really did not want to attend, I just hid in the bathroom and played sudoku on my iPod for about forty minutes. I really really  hated my school at that moment. Anyway, it was a waste of a school day but it was good because none of my teachers assigned homework for Homecoming weekend. I look forward to stalking my friends' Homecoming pictures. I would have liked to go to the dance, but buying a dress is such a needless hassle and my parents would not accept that I would go with D. I guess they will find out eventually that I'm seeing him again, but I'm hoping to keep it from them until I move out, if it is still pertinent. There are a myriad of silly reasons for which they don't accept him. I am so over high school though, that Homecoming is not important to me. I would rather sit at home and prepare for my next phase of life, which is college! I forced D to take me to McDonald's and we had a good time after school by ourselves. It was one year to the day that I lost my virginity to him, so of course we celebrated. Who needs high school anymore?
-T.

Pink Freud

daddy issues

 (Ugh i don't know why this post is here this was like 3 posts ago.)

Yesterday night:
T: Hey dad, can you sign this prom permission application?
Dad: Um.. what you're going with D?? WHAT?? *proceeds to throw mantrum*


         His mantrums are terrifying and trapping. He prides himself on being the smartest and most rational person in the world, and occasionally he is. But really he isn't. He doesn't let me explain. It's true that I have changed the prom plans on him a few times. Like, twice. Still, it's not like I did this maliciously or had some grand scheme to try and piss him off, though everything I do seems to anyway. He still tells me that he "knows what game I'm playing." WHAT GAME?? You must be able to decipher my motives even better than I can. I, being both a child and a female, am capable of only malicious deceit and irrationality. He wouldn't even hear anything I wanted to say. "If you say one more word, you are not going at all!!" His mantrums are a purging of everything negative he has ever thought about you, and then a sudden shutdown of communication. My mother tries to help. She wants me to have fun. Yet, both of them tell me every day what a desperate slut I am. I told them that the reason I'm not going with GJ anymore is that he found someone else he wanted to go with. It then became about how aggressive and needy I am for male attention, for guys that never even wanted me in the first place. The moment any boy shows any interest, I lunge at it. Perhaps this is true. Yet, how could I have told them the truth, that I chose D again? I can't tell them anything, but I want to. They can't even handle my mollified version of the truth.
        Maybe I was playing a game. After I told t hem that GJ "found someone else to go with," I said I still wanted to go, except I'd probably go single. I hinted that D wanted to ask me. As expected my father was adamant against it. I could have just gone "single" and then met up with D there. Everything would have been so much easier. But I respected my dad too much, even though he doesn't deserve it. I didn't want it to be some huge surprise if D and I got there, exchanged flowers, and took pictures with each other. 1)It would have only made my dad more upset, and I really do want to try and be open with him as much as possible, 2) I'm afraid my dad would have thrown another mantrum at NS's house if he went there to take pre-prom pictures. His public mantrums are mortifying. He wouldn't think twice about it. I wonder if he has ever felt embarrassed by his previous public mantrums. Doubt it. He thinks too highly of himself.
        A big factor in this is the way I was brought up. I was brought up in the mindset that my only role was obedience. I rarely make my own decisions. I have many thoughts of retaliation and wanting to make my own choices, but I'm used to these futile thoughts. They are just futile. How you were parented ends up being how you parent yourself on your own, as I have mentioned in the past. I am familiar with relationships in which I can't make my own decisions, or if the way to a decision is clearly paved out. That's why I chose the boy who coerced me over the one who truly meant it when he said it was up to me. I readily relinquish my freedom to have peace. After all, it was how I kept my childhood as peaceful as possible, by giving up all control.
        My father tells me to make my own decisions, and that I need to stop allowing myself to be so easy and swayed by others. This is entirely impossible at the moment because 1) I subconsciously enjoy relinquishing my power, 2) even if it were entirely my choice to go with D, it doesn't matter because my dad doesn't want me to make that choice. My dad only thinks he wants me to be independent and make my own choices. In actuality, he wants me to follow his choice. 
        I know the choice I have made, if you can call it that, is stupid. I don't get to go with the group of friends I wanted to. There will be lots of doubt and ambiguity. I have to spend prom in EG's vicinity. I'm putting my heart on the line again, and I am very sure it will be hurt once again. My dad only wants to protect me. I am aware of this. He can't protect me from this because I know full well what I am getting myself into. It doesn't matter how much he warns me or shields me. I know what's going to happen, and I can't keep myself from going there still. While I know I've made a stupid decision, my dad guilting me about it only makes me feel worse. If I'm going to make a stupid decision, I would rather at least not feel like a shitty person about it because of my parents.Whether or not he wants to believe it, D and I are going to prom together. It's going to be alright. I don't ask for your agreement, only your acceptance. Please, let me be okay with myself for once.
-T.

 

UPDATE: I just talked with the daddy-kins. He was super rational and both of us had cooled off. Yesterday was useless angst, and I know things like this will happen again. Still, we had a good talk.

thoughts vs. feelings

        I've been thinking about the validity of feelings. You may or may not know that I believe that feelings are all that's real. What I mean by that is that our perceptions are what's real. It doesn't matter what's actually out there. What we hold in our minds is what we perceive to be the real thing. It becomes the real thing. It seems like a pretty simple concept to me, but some people don't understand it. For more clarification, I guess you should read up on Plato or something.
        This isn't just about philosophy. It's about psychology too. The Schachter and Singer two-factor theory of emotion states that emotions aren't just about physical response. Your preconceptions will affect your emotions too. Your beliefs play a big part, and emotions, almost by definition, aren't rational. You don't feel an emotion just because you are supposed to.
        Why is this relevant? It's been sort of bugging me with this whole D nonsense starting up again. I can never be sure if he's using me. In fact, even if he is, I'm fairly certain he doesn't know it. It's been bugging me because if he knew it, he wouldn't tell me. Since even he doesn't know, then there's no way to know at all. Then I got to thinking, does it matter? Why does it matter what his initial creeping motivations were? Maybe he just wanted to try things again with me because I'm hot and he can't stand it. Maybe he wanted to try things again with me because everyone else is pairing up for prom and he feels lonely. Maybe he wanted to try things again with me because he didn't get into his safety school, which was his biggest chance at hope, so he just needed to lean on the only one who cared anymore.
        For now, he thinks he wants to go to prom and all that nonsense because he still loves me. He thinks he only didn't want to go with me before and liked other girls because he was only trying to convince himself that he was better off without me. He feels his thoughts through and through. These are just rationalizations, but I'm not sure that it matters anymore. Who says that just because you rationalized something, it's not true? It's true because you feel it. It's true because you know it. You know that you haven't rationalized even if you didn't. Everyone knows that their feelings are the truth.
-T.

get used to it.

        I'm. Really. Not. Going. To. Prom. I don't know, I guess I always believed that someone would ask me. I mean, I'm bubbly on the surface, and I'm not ugly. It just has to settle in this time that I'm not going to get what I want. I still actually don't quite believe it now.
        I really have been much spoiled by luck. Sometimes I forget and I mistakenly attribute my achievements to hard work and aptitude. I've been too successful. I don't deserve what I have. I guess that's why D left me anyway. I took him for granted, and I forgot that he didn't really know me yet. I thought he loved me, but that could not have been further from the truth. Sometimes I think that my SAT and ACT scores mean I'm smart, and okay, I'm smart, but a large portion of it was luck. I am always wondering when my luck will run out. Occasionally I'll think, yeah, I'll pull through. I'll make it, I always have. Always have doesn't mean always will.
        I'm not sure if I want to find out the results of my four-day calculus exam. D got an A before the curve, but my results haven't come out yet. He went around and bragged about it to everyone right away, and did his stupid ugly little victory dance. In fact, I'm sure that that's the sole reason he talked to me today, so he could smear it in my face. Funny how some people automatically attribute successes to their own worth and aptitude, while blaming failures on teachers, on situations, on other people, on emotions, even on plain laziness. Self-serving bias FTW.
        I'm being oddly calm for being in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I guess writing it helps me, but that's why I do it, obviously. I need to get used to the idea that I can, and will fail at some point in my life. Of course, those are my issues talking. How can I know when I'm being realistic, rather than pessimistic? I feel like optimism is highly unrealistic and frankly, very naive.
I need to stop time. I need to get back to work.
-T.

 EDIT: BD didn't actually get an A. He lied. What a loser.

why i'm doomed:

        The key to happiness is having a positive outlook on life, and to see adversity as challenges, not threats. Happy people are hopeful for the future. Easy enough, now change.

        Not so fast. The odds for American success are outstandingly in my favor. I'm going to get into a top university, I'm smart, I'm going to make lots of money. Yet, how can I be hopeful when all the odds for happiness are against me? As I have mentioned previously, my parents parented in the authoritarian style, so I'm going to be successful, but depressed. My parents argued often and my childhood was seriously annoying. Studies show that I will probably end up just like my parents, especially my mother. I can already see it in the way I treat my sister, and the way I treated BD. Fuck me.

        My parents were always hard on me, and if I did well on something, they never congratulated me. I was only reprimanded for what I did wrong, or what I was going to do wrong in the future. As psychology predicted, I am repeating this behavior now even without my parents' help. You will parent yourself as you once were parented.

        Since I always pretty much had some kind of trivial family drama, I was always used to having a lot of annoying drama in my life. Now I subconsciously search for that in all of my relationships. If something I have is healthy and stable, it feels wrong. I have to do something to mess it up. Most of the time I won't realize I'm doing it. Most of the time it just feels right to be making all these confrontations with people. Occasionally I realize what I'm doing. I do it anyway. A relationship doesn't feel normal to me unless I'm on the verge of despair about it. 

        Knowing a  lot about psychology should help me, but it doesn't. I know everything about my own condition. I've analyzed myself through and through. Unfortunately, it doesn't change anything.

-T.

SOML.

Leisure reading from Psychology Today:

"Dumped, But Not Down"
From the page:

• "[Rejection-sensitive individuals] live life in panic mode, which not only brings them relentless emotional turmoil, but also sets off the most frustrating feature of rejection-sensitivity: It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Magnifying oversights and seeing slipups as proof of catastrophe, they unleash hostility, anger, despondency, or jealousy. Their emotional storms often drive away the very people they hoped to hook.

• "The difference between a normal response to rebuffs and an oversensitive one may be summed up in one word: rumination. Highly rejection-sensitive people are also more likely to be "overthinkers" who ruminate excessively about everyday experience. Overthinking may be the engine of hypersensitivity to rejection, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, professor of psychology at Yale and author of Eating, Drinking, Overthinking."

• "They might desperately seek out intimacy and make unreasonable demands of a partner—appearing overly invested yet anticipating the partner's departure. Or they avoid intimacy altogether—averting stormy relationships but losing out on the chance to find acceptance and support. Either path puts them at risk for loneliness and depression."

• "The best remedy for rejection-sensitivity is caring friends who can tolerate defensive antics and engender trust. Downey found that among rejection-sensitive people who did manage to find and keep a loving romantic partner, reactivity abated over time."

I honestly don't really have anything to add, except Story of My Life. 
 -T.

More Tiger Mother Controversy

        I'm sure most of you have at least heard about the new book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Yale professor Amy Chua. Especially with the excerpt released in The Wall Street Journal, it's been the subject of endless controversy, with some parents crying child abuse and others giving it praise at uncovering the secret to the rampant success of Chinese children. 

        At first glance, I thought I was one of the products of such tiger parents. My parents were never so completely strict, but close enough. I was always pushed to my limits, and then when I reached them they were pushed further. However, her kids had something that I did not.  When her exemplary daughters did become successful, they received "plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home." This was part of the tiger mother deal I don't believe I ever got. Chua remarks that growing up she was called "garbage," and it somehow made her feel the esteem she got from her parents, despite the fact that she had disappointed them. Chua knew that her parents loved her, even when they were strict. 

        I suppose my parents do love me, and they always have. What immoral parents do not love their children? Why elsewould they worry so much about my grades and such? That's something I had to bring myself to assume consciously. Growing up, I never once had a moment of "wow, my parents love me so much, and I love them too!!" It was always strained, with my mother especially, as she would relentlessly scrutinize my every action, tone of voice, and facial twitch. I never heard the words "I love you" from my parents until my later teenage years, when I guess they learned parents were supposed to say that kind of thing. I listened to other kids at my school talk about the loving relationships they had with their parents, even kids who had similarly strict parents, and I just couldn't understand.
        What has helped me understand this the best I think was high school psychology class. "Authoritative" parenting styles, which were strict but responsive to children, yield self-proficient, balanced kids. "Authoritarian" parenting styles are strict but not very responsive, and they yield depressed kids without self-worth. It helps to explain the way I am quite precisely.
        What Amy Chua was getting at is that Chinese kids are successful because they know they have the full backing of their parents, with confidence, love, and harsh discipline. Essentially, I'm proud of my accomplishments, and I appreciate all that my parents have given me. However, there is still a funny twinge inside that tells me I'm missing something.
        I have never believed in uncondtional love, but maybe it's one of those things that can only exist for you after you've known it. Actually, not so long ago I thought I had it. But it turned out to be a flight of teenage fancy. It's something I want to experience fully before I die. I feel like unconditional love is a sort of bucket list item that most people take for granted.
-T.