I'm uncomfortable. I don't know what to think and I don't want to believe certain things and I don't know motivations or rationale behind one of my friends. I don't want to jump to conclusions and I need to speak to her directly. EE's going to talk incessantly about it and be really extreme and alarmist and think the worst of it because that's just her, but it really makes me uncomfortable when she does that. I want to form my own opinions and I don't exactly trust hers, especially with her analysis of me. I don't think SM and EE are a good pair. They support each other and are
good friends but they exacerbate each other's notions, even if their
initial notions are correct and sound and then everything just blows up
out of proportion. But it's likely that I'm just wrong about everything because that's who I am. I don't want to be in the middle of everything I just want to shut everything out but I still want to know. I want everything to be right in the world I need to speak with VK I need to speak with VK I need to speak with VK.
I'm thinking about what would happen if someone random at my school got a hold of my blog and honestly I don't even think I'd care but that's just me. I have some secrets but those I will never ever talk or post or write about anywhere, if only because it makes them concrete and real. I have successful avoided all friend drama basically since freshman year. Now that I have close-ish friends I get entangled in all their drama and it makes me anxious.
I hope VK comes to school tomorrow I want to talk to her in person I want to hear everything she has to say texting and chats are stupid.
-T.
Showing posts with label EE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label EE. Show all posts
4.15.2012
2.22.2012
physics clique failure
I don't think I can be friends with SY. It's unfortunate, because I really do think that she is a great and hilarious person with a kind heart. The only thing I wasn't so fond of about her is that she has a small scope on the world, but that can change. Except I won't be there to see her change, because she's shut me out. I've apologized and tried to talk to her about it numerous times, but to no avail. We're acting normal now I guess, but there is still something tense and uncomfortable. I want to just be done with it now though, it's such a bother. I've been through friendship drama before, and the last time was freshman year. I wronged RS, and then I apologized sincerely, and then it was done and we became closer than ever. That time I actually did something legitimately bad, but we still got over it. SY's reaction to something that I didn't even see as an issue kind of blows my mind.
I think I know why she reacted that way though. SY is used to people doting on her and chasing her, especially when it comes to boys, and that's understandable. She's beautiful and fantastic and has always been popular. I was the least close to her out of the physics clique, but that's also because I've known RS and DC for way longer, and EE I can just relate to a little bit more. I thought that this conflict was minor if it existed at all, and something we could work past, but I guess not. I'm not the type to beg her to be my friend again and tell her that I love her so much and whatever it is that people do. She's not used to people like me and doesn't understand, and that's okay. We have a different outlook on friendships and so we just can't have one, at least not right now. It is sort of disturbing I guess that I don't even particularly care, but this is what I had been guarding myself against all along. It's a good thing I never was really attached because this was always going to happen.
The most unfortunate part of this situation is the impact on the other clique members overall. They are freaking out more than I am. We might hang out together but it won't be the same. It's too bad, because I really thought I had found a group to stick with for a while. I can't even give this blog to RS, who was originally the first to have it, simply because she's in the group. But that's okay, she stays up all night on the phone with SY anyway, so they have each other now at least.
All of this has underscored once again my problems with having friends. Psychology says that there's hope for me however. I only need friends who will stand by me and reassure me constantly, and eventually over time a sense of security will take hold. This rift would not have happened ever between me and RS/DC/even EE just because of who they are, but it happened with YS, and by extension the physics clique can't be the friend group that helps me out of the rut. I'll work it out for myself eventually, I have to.
-T.
I think I know why she reacted that way though. SY is used to people doting on her and chasing her, especially when it comes to boys, and that's understandable. She's beautiful and fantastic and has always been popular. I was the least close to her out of the physics clique, but that's also because I've known RS and DC for way longer, and EE I can just relate to a little bit more. I thought that this conflict was minor if it existed at all, and something we could work past, but I guess not. I'm not the type to beg her to be my friend again and tell her that I love her so much and whatever it is that people do. She's not used to people like me and doesn't understand, and that's okay. We have a different outlook on friendships and so we just can't have one, at least not right now. It is sort of disturbing I guess that I don't even particularly care, but this is what I had been guarding myself against all along. It's a good thing I never was really attached because this was always going to happen.
The most unfortunate part of this situation is the impact on the other clique members overall. They are freaking out more than I am. We might hang out together but it won't be the same. It's too bad, because I really thought I had found a group to stick with for a while. I can't even give this blog to RS, who was originally the first to have it, simply because she's in the group. But that's okay, she stays up all night on the phone with SY anyway, so they have each other now at least.
All of this has underscored once again my problems with having friends. Psychology says that there's hope for me however. I only need friends who will stand by me and reassure me constantly, and eventually over time a sense of security will take hold. This rift would not have happened ever between me and RS/DC/even EE just because of who they are, but it happened with YS, and by extension the physics clique can't be the friend group that helps me out of the rut. I'll work it out for myself eventually, I have to.
-T.
2.19.2012
stake & sheak
It's a four-day weekend and I have too much time on my hands but I like that sort of. I had a sleepover with the physics clique, and this one was strange. I talked to DC about it and she felt the same way. It's hard to describe, and I don't want to write anything here that's made up in my head lest it bring up things that don't exist. I've been feeling uncomfortable with they physics clique. Individually I like everyone just fine, but something about everyone being in the group makes me panic even more than individual friends. There are so many more possibilities for things to go wrong, so much ridiculous animosity and jealousy that can happen. I'm the most jealous of SY. She's so beautiful and gets to buy whatever she wants and has the best personality. All the boys in the world have a crush on her. She has the nicest boobs because they are the right size and not obnoxiously in your face ever. I wish I had her personality and her body and her life. And now she and RS have something that's bad but EE's right, I do kind of wish I had it too even though I know how bad it is. As a result of my jealousy I think I was mean to SY. And I hate myself for that. I did the same thing to XK last year. I'm the worst. Jealousy actually makes no sense and why would I ever feel it? Anyway, a lot of things reminded me of how much I am afraid of friends. I don't want to depend on anyone and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I am unconsciously pulling away and trying to break us up, except it's not unconscious because I know I'm doing it and that's okay with me.
Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.
-T.
Yesterday I went to LE's house and went to dinner with him and his sister. They are the funniest bunch ever. Somehow LE is the only guy I have ever felt totally comfortable around, and I don't feel the need to hide the things I think. Actually I felt really comfortable around ZJ but oops he doesn't exist anymore so let's not think about that. LE came to my house after dinner and I even let him read my ultra-embarrassing dream journal. He noticed a tiny scar on my finger that no one's ever noticed before. Just to clear things up though, I'm not going to date him. He's too good for me. We talked about his ex-girlfriend a bit, and it was the first time he let on how deeply he was and still is affected by her. I want to make him feel better about it, but at the same time I'm glad because it's another thing to make sure I don't fall for him that way. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think I never want to be with him just because I know I'd ruin it, just like how I ruin all my friendships. Anyway, I enjoy my relationship with him as it is now so much that I can't even see how it could be better. He's transferring to Depaul next year, so I feel the twinge of need for UChicago again. I never want to stop consistently talking to him. He makes the world feel right.
While he was at my house, I was like, "oh you'd better leave at 10 before my parents get home." But then my mom and sister got home at 9:50 and so it was kinda awkward and my sister is always super annoying when I have people over. The first thing my mom said was, "he's taller than D," so that was super awkward and sort of funny. She offered him cheesecake and asked him a few questions but nothing too weird. She glared at me a little but then went away. I was talking to LE about how cool the math I'm learning is and how it's just like the computer coding and programming that he was talking about. I ended up teaching him basic calculus and linear algebra concepts and he just thought it was the best thing ever and can't wait to get into that. It's kind of sad that he missed out on a lot of opportunities at our school because he simply didn't care, but now he does care but at the same time he's okay with where he's at now, and that's all that matters. He ended up staying till around midnight, and we just talked the whole time. His chest hole is perfect for hugs. His very existence makes all the injustices in the world seem okay.
After he left, my mom asked me a few questions about him and acted pretty cool about it. I was really surprised that she didn't call me a slut and whatever. Then half an hour later she came into my room to tell me that she didn't suspect that I was dating him or anything because he said he went to the local community college and I had more respect for myself than that. Wow. That was the absolute worst thing she could have said, and for once I was at a loss for words. It was worse than if she went to her default slut-shaming speech. Not only is it insulting to LE, who is actually one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, and emotionally stable people alive, but it was extremely offensive to me as well. For once it was as if she was complimenting me, but it was utterly offensive because she really believes I think that way. In retrospect, LE bent the judgments and stereotypes I had, and he really is the number one reason I believe there are a lot of "smart" people out there who never get recognized with society, and how arbitrary school and grades are. And now here is my mother, completely missing the point of everything that I pride myself in the most and simultaneously insulting possibly the only person on earth who I actually know and still respect. I don't think I can say that about anyone else. I need to get out of here and I want to live at LE's house and play with his cat and talk to his funny mom forever.
-T.
2.13.2012
i'm a crybaby.
I couldn't fall asleep until very late last night. Then D woke me up with a text saying that he missed me. It killed me. It took me a long while to fall asleep again. I wore all non-waterproof makeup to school today so that I wouldn't cry in front of everyone. That was one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made. First and second hour my physics teacher wasn't there so I was disappointed but we didn't do anything so the first two hours were fine. DC had wanted to ask me about some of my deeper beliefs, for lack of a better term, but then said she couldn't ask me because my current state of mind would alter the answer. I made her ask anyway, and she asked whether or not I thought love exists or not, since it's not chemical and therefore must be tied to something higher like perhaps a deity or something. I said I think it exists, but that it's all chemical reactions. She seemed delighted and agreed with me. I like to think that I can be rational even when I'm emotionally fragile. Third hour we got our math tests from two weeks ago back. I did awful, worse than I thought I did, and the worst I've ever done in that class. I ended up crying quietly at my desk. I think my math teacher saw, and then SY felt bad because she thought it was something she said when actually I don't even remember what she said. Everyone probably thought I was only crying over a stupid math test, but that's fine they can think whatever they want.
I sucked it up enough to go to my fourth hour class, which is assistant teaching for Geometry. The teacher randomly just wasn't there, maybe she went home sick or something. That was fine, I had prepared to teach that class anyway. The substitute came and she was the Math Department Head and I liked her so I thought it would be okay. It turns out my teacher left like none of the materials that the students needed to follow along with what I was supposed to be teaching, and just two worksheets on things they hadn't learned yet. It was literally the first day of the unit, and I tried to teach it the best I could. But the worksheets spanned like the whole chapter and it was just so overwhelming and the department head was totally disappointed at how inept I was at everything. We weren't even supposed to get to word problems today and one whole worksheet was word problems. They have never even seen word problems and I felt so bad just making them try to do it. In addition, all the while when I was teaching the students would not shut up and listen to me and they were swearing and being so obnoxious and I know that they honestly can't help it but the department head was so appalled at their behavior. It honestly wasn't even one of the days when they're super misbehaving, but she had just never seen such an unruly class. Then at the end I decided to talk to her about it and then I was like wait oops I forgot to tell them to go to their assigned seats and that they're not allowed to eat in class and then she was like......okay just make sure that doesn't happen again. Wow I'm literally the worst teaching assistant I hate myself. She told me not to feel bad but that's the polite thing to say. I did everything wrong.
I went as fast as I could to English and I was already late, and I still asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. I stayed there for about twenty minutes and cried my eyes out. When I calmed down a little and was putting my makeup back on, DC came in to check on me and that was nice. I knew she would. DC started a game of word assassin with me when we got back to class, and that was just what I needed to get my mind off of things. We obviously didn't pay any attention in class, and I could tell that that my English teacher who has always loved me was starting to get annoyed. I was feeling a lot better, but then at the end of class my English teacher asked what was going on with me lately, why wasn't I very in tune. I told him I was having a bad day, but he said that it wasn't just today, it had been for a while now. I managed to mutter that something had been kind of going on and that I was sorry before turning around and literally running away so that I could leave the room before the tears got to my eyes. He could totally tell that I was about to cry and I felt awful. He didn't even say anything remotely mean and I just reacted so stupidly.
I bawled all through the hallway with DC and EE next to me and that was so embarrassing. By the time I got to my Spanish class I was really not done but it didn't matter I had to go to class. Language classes are always full of randos, and the desks are set up so that everyone gets to face each other. It was so obvious how miserable I was, and when my eyes get teary my nose gets super snotty so I was really gross at the same time and I used all of SY's tissues. My Spanish teacher reacted the best though, she was like "T, estas enferma?" (T, are you sick?) and I was like O YA TOTALLY. It was the perfect way of acknowledging my weird behavior but also giving me an excuse. She's the best. I'm just glad I didn't fail in the review game we played because that just would have made everything worse. Like I said earlier, I like to think that I can still be perfectly rational even when emotionally fragile. I think I did pretty well on the quiz we took too.
Seventh hour I had open, and that went fine. I helped a few people with math, and then the next hour I went to Econ. We went over our tests, and mine was not as bad as I had feared, of course in large part because I got to "collaborate" with DC. When we were doing the peer grading, this guy from my Spanish class whom I talk to occasionally was passing out the grading guide, and gave me a decorated one with a smiley face on it, and said he saved it for me and wanted me to be happy. That was so so so nice that I almost cried all over again. On the bus ride home though, I still ended up crying a little for much of the ride. I didn't even sleep, and that's usually a consistent nap time for me. After school though I had plans but they are so secret that I can't write them here. But it's not anything bad about me, and it's not with a random boy or anything so not to worry. I just promised this person I wouldn't tell anyone, since it would insinuate other things. We had fun and I bought makeup and I was glad I could be there with her.
I got home and emailed my Geometry teacher asking if I should prepare something for tomorrow and if she was going to be there. I also emailed my English teacher, telling him that there were some things I was working through but not to worry about me, and also I participate less in discussions this semester because there are many more smart people with better ideas with me. DC especially, and since she sits next to me I can tell that every profound thought I have had she has already thought about tenfold and better, so I have very little to contribute to discussions. I informed him that she is the smartest person I know and not to hold the fact that she was trying to make me feel better against her.
It's been a weird shaky day and I still am pretty unstable. I'm going to try to work hard tonight and I hope that tomorrow will be better. It was just like last year that day that my badminton partner served a birdie into my face and then I just bawled for an hour even though it didn't hurt at all. I felt bad for making my team and now everyone else at my school wonder about me and feel awkward. I've found that it's easiest to not break down when no one knows what's going on and everyone just ignores you and acts normally. Otherwise it brings everything bubbling to the surface and my emotions are kind of uncontrollable sometimes. Just the stupidest little occurrences can really jostle you when there's something in the back of your mind.
-T.
P.S. Oh good tomorrow is Valentine's Day why am I the best at timing.
I sucked it up enough to go to my fourth hour class, which is assistant teaching for Geometry. The teacher randomly just wasn't there, maybe she went home sick or something. That was fine, I had prepared to teach that class anyway. The substitute came and she was the Math Department Head and I liked her so I thought it would be okay. It turns out my teacher left like none of the materials that the students needed to follow along with what I was supposed to be teaching, and just two worksheets on things they hadn't learned yet. It was literally the first day of the unit, and I tried to teach it the best I could. But the worksheets spanned like the whole chapter and it was just so overwhelming and the department head was totally disappointed at how inept I was at everything. We weren't even supposed to get to word problems today and one whole worksheet was word problems. They have never even seen word problems and I felt so bad just making them try to do it. In addition, all the while when I was teaching the students would not shut up and listen to me and they were swearing and being so obnoxious and I know that they honestly can't help it but the department head was so appalled at their behavior. It honestly wasn't even one of the days when they're super misbehaving, but she had just never seen such an unruly class. Then at the end I decided to talk to her about it and then I was like wait oops I forgot to tell them to go to their assigned seats and that they're not allowed to eat in class and then she was like......okay just make sure that doesn't happen again. Wow I'm literally the worst teaching assistant I hate myself. She told me not to feel bad but that's the polite thing to say. I did everything wrong.
I went as fast as I could to English and I was already late, and I still asked my teacher if I could go to the bathroom. I stayed there for about twenty minutes and cried my eyes out. When I calmed down a little and was putting my makeup back on, DC came in to check on me and that was nice. I knew she would. DC started a game of word assassin with me when we got back to class, and that was just what I needed to get my mind off of things. We obviously didn't pay any attention in class, and I could tell that that my English teacher who has always loved me was starting to get annoyed. I was feeling a lot better, but then at the end of class my English teacher asked what was going on with me lately, why wasn't I very in tune. I told him I was having a bad day, but he said that it wasn't just today, it had been for a while now. I managed to mutter that something had been kind of going on and that I was sorry before turning around and literally running away so that I could leave the room before the tears got to my eyes. He could totally tell that I was about to cry and I felt awful. He didn't even say anything remotely mean and I just reacted so stupidly.
I bawled all through the hallway with DC and EE next to me and that was so embarrassing. By the time I got to my Spanish class I was really not done but it didn't matter I had to go to class. Language classes are always full of randos, and the desks are set up so that everyone gets to face each other. It was so obvious how miserable I was, and when my eyes get teary my nose gets super snotty so I was really gross at the same time and I used all of SY's tissues. My Spanish teacher reacted the best though, she was like "T, estas enferma?" (T, are you sick?) and I was like O YA TOTALLY. It was the perfect way of acknowledging my weird behavior but also giving me an excuse. She's the best. I'm just glad I didn't fail in the review game we played because that just would have made everything worse. Like I said earlier, I like to think that I can still be perfectly rational even when emotionally fragile. I think I did pretty well on the quiz we took too.
Seventh hour I had open, and that went fine. I helped a few people with math, and then the next hour I went to Econ. We went over our tests, and mine was not as bad as I had feared, of course in large part because I got to "collaborate" with DC. When we were doing the peer grading, this guy from my Spanish class whom I talk to occasionally was passing out the grading guide, and gave me a decorated one with a smiley face on it, and said he saved it for me and wanted me to be happy. That was so so so nice that I almost cried all over again. On the bus ride home though, I still ended up crying a little for much of the ride. I didn't even sleep, and that's usually a consistent nap time for me. After school though I had plans but they are so secret that I can't write them here. But it's not anything bad about me, and it's not with a random boy or anything so not to worry. I just promised this person I wouldn't tell anyone, since it would insinuate other things. We had fun and I bought makeup and I was glad I could be there with her.
I got home and emailed my Geometry teacher asking if I should prepare something for tomorrow and if she was going to be there. I also emailed my English teacher, telling him that there were some things I was working through but not to worry about me, and also I participate less in discussions this semester because there are many more smart people with better ideas with me. DC especially, and since she sits next to me I can tell that every profound thought I have had she has already thought about tenfold and better, so I have very little to contribute to discussions. I informed him that she is the smartest person I know and not to hold the fact that she was trying to make me feel better against her.
It's been a weird shaky day and I still am pretty unstable. I'm going to try to work hard tonight and I hope that tomorrow will be better. It was just like last year that day that my badminton partner served a birdie into my face and then I just bawled for an hour even though it didn't hurt at all. I felt bad for making my team and now everyone else at my school wonder about me and feel awkward. I've found that it's easiest to not break down when no one knows what's going on and everyone just ignores you and acts normally. Otherwise it brings everything bubbling to the surface and my emotions are kind of uncontrollable sometimes. Just the stupidest little occurrences can really jostle you when there's something in the back of your mind.
-T.
P.S. Oh good tomorrow is Valentine's Day why am I the best at timing.
2.11.2012
good times.
EE had a bad scary day ahead of her on Friday so the Physics Clique planned a sleepover and fun times for the night. And by fun times I mean drinking. We added RS to the clique, which we had been meaning to do for a while and I'm so glad we did. Drinking has its bad connotations and for good reason. It makes people do stupid things that they never would have while sober. It's also basically like putting poison in your body. But I think that done in moderation it's just like unhealthy food and shouldn't have that many long-term health effects, and I could be wrong but either way it was kind of needed that day. I hadn't gotten totally wasted in a long time, and it was the perfect opportunity.
The five of us were having a grand time. I took a few drinks, but didn't feel anything. Cleverly I decided then to take about six drinks in a row just because I wanted to feel it. It burned in my throat. Ten minutes later EE and I were rolling on the floor and motor skills deteriorated throughout the night. YS hid the drinks from us and that was a good idea because I thought the rolling around was as bad as it was going to get. I forgot that I'm a lightweight and it takes a while to take effect. RS and EE had never met before but they shared their stories with each other and became fast friends and it was so good. RS was just the person who was missing from the clique. If I made zero new friends for the rest of my life I think that would be fine. I love everyone in the group so much. Our insecurities almost complement each other.
YS was hunkered over the garbage most of the time and barfed at least twice I think. Anyway, it became a really cathartic experience for everyone, with EE and I sobbing a lot a lot a lot and then I had gross puffy eyes. The two of us collapsed on the floor, and I threw up in a trash can about ten times at once. DC is literally such a productive drunk. She cleaned the trash can and baked and decorated a fucking rainbow cake for us. She's unbelievable. She took care of all of us. EE and I slept on the floor where we collapsed and cuddled and talked and I needed to pee but couldn't move so I gave up. Eventually DC came downstairs once she was done with the cake and then at that point I could move so we talked a lot again while SY and RS were sleeping. We finally went to sleep around 3AM. Everything was perfect.
I woke up super early to go take my driver's test to get my license. I drove half an hour to the DMV while I couldn't even see properly still. The DMV was closed. I drove back home. I really wanted to pass the driver's test while I was still sort of drunk though, that would have been funny. Overall it was the most perfect night even though I felt sick and stuff. Now I know the limits that I had forgotten. I won't get so shit faced and gross at a college party and I won't drink like this without a safe environment. I love the physics clique so so much. I was so glad that I could go and be there for EE. It was sad and emotional because I guess maybe I'm an emotional drunk, but the alcohol kept us honest and open. It was the happiest day in a long time. I love them.
-T.
The five of us were having a grand time. I took a few drinks, but didn't feel anything. Cleverly I decided then to take about six drinks in a row just because I wanted to feel it. It burned in my throat. Ten minutes later EE and I were rolling on the floor and motor skills deteriorated throughout the night. YS hid the drinks from us and that was a good idea because I thought the rolling around was as bad as it was going to get. I forgot that I'm a lightweight and it takes a while to take effect. RS and EE had never met before but they shared their stories with each other and became fast friends and it was so good. RS was just the person who was missing from the clique. If I made zero new friends for the rest of my life I think that would be fine. I love everyone in the group so much. Our insecurities almost complement each other.
YS was hunkered over the garbage most of the time and barfed at least twice I think. Anyway, it became a really cathartic experience for everyone, with EE and I sobbing a lot a lot a lot and then I had gross puffy eyes. The two of us collapsed on the floor, and I threw up in a trash can about ten times at once. DC is literally such a productive drunk. She cleaned the trash can and baked and decorated a fucking rainbow cake for us. She's unbelievable. She took care of all of us. EE and I slept on the floor where we collapsed and cuddled and talked and I needed to pee but couldn't move so I gave up. Eventually DC came downstairs once she was done with the cake and then at that point I could move so we talked a lot again while SY and RS were sleeping. We finally went to sleep around 3AM. Everything was perfect.
I woke up super early to go take my driver's test to get my license. I drove half an hour to the DMV while I couldn't even see properly still. The DMV was closed. I drove back home. I really wanted to pass the driver's test while I was still sort of drunk though, that would have been funny. Overall it was the most perfect night even though I felt sick and stuff. Now I know the limits that I had forgotten. I won't get so shit faced and gross at a college party and I won't drink like this without a safe environment. I love the physics clique so so much. I was so glad that I could go and be there for EE. It was sad and emotional because I guess maybe I'm an emotional drunk, but the alcohol kept us honest and open. It was the happiest day in a long time. I love them.
-T.
1.22.2012
hb
I turned 17 today. I used to really like birthdays, but this year I keep feeling uncomfortable and realizing that it is a completely selfish holiday. I was thinking of doing something for my birthday and inviting friends over but I think I'd feel awkward with all the attention on me. Plus then people would feel obligated to get me presents and I don't like that. EE bought me an adorable kitten card that meows happy birthday and $20, and that was very nice but for the most part I just don't like presents. Congrats, I was born, therefore I deserve whatever I want just doesn't seem right to me. I told my parents I didn't want anything, even though that wasn't true. There were a lot of things I could have asked for, but I didn't want to give them anything they could hold over me. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy that kind of a gift anyway.
I didn't get any presents from my famly but I did go out to dinner with them and it was very yummy and I love sushi and so that was enough. I didn't even feel like anything was missing. I got $50 of Chinese New Year money from family friends anyway, so that will last me the year hopefully. I think I talked D out of buying me anything and he's at college anyway so I'm hoping he hasn't thought of getting me anything. He bought me those $160 Jeffrey Campbell Litas for Christmas, and I am super guilty and I never want any more presents from him again. Asking for those I think was the most selfish thing I have ever done. My friends invited me out tomorrow and I declined. I don't want our time together to be about me. I don't like it when people sing happy birthday to me or tell me happy birthday or eat cake for my sake. It's just awkward. There are a lot of things I wanted and could have asked for, but I don't want them from anyone. This makes me even more sure than ever that I need to make my own money and spend it. If I had the world available to me at my whims, it wouldn't mean anything to me. I need to work for something to really relish it. I can't wait to do that for the rest of my life.
-T.
I didn't get any presents from my famly but I did go out to dinner with them and it was very yummy and I love sushi and so that was enough. I didn't even feel like anything was missing. I got $50 of Chinese New Year money from family friends anyway, so that will last me the year hopefully. I think I talked D out of buying me anything and he's at college anyway so I'm hoping he hasn't thought of getting me anything. He bought me those $160 Jeffrey Campbell Litas for Christmas, and I am super guilty and I never want any more presents from him again. Asking for those I think was the most selfish thing I have ever done. My friends invited me out tomorrow and I declined. I don't want our time together to be about me. I don't like it when people sing happy birthday to me or tell me happy birthday or eat cake for my sake. It's just awkward. There are a lot of things I wanted and could have asked for, but I don't want them from anyone. This makes me even more sure than ever that I need to make my own money and spend it. If I had the world available to me at my whims, it wouldn't mean anything to me. I need to work for something to really relish it. I can't wait to do that for the rest of my life.
-T.
1.16.2012
i want to be okay.
I promised D that I wouldn't cut ever again, so I was scared to tell him what had happened. I considered not telling him, but I thought that he needed to know and I didn't want to lie to him. While I was crying yesterday the only thing I could think of that would make me feel better would have been to cry in D's arms. He had just moved into U of I as a transfer that day, and I hated to bother him. He was super disappointed, and said he wasn't mad, but he was really sad.
He really means so much to me and it's really silly but he is the only person outside of my family that I really feel okay crying in front of. When he tells me that he loves me and stupid sappy stuff it really makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I guess that's why I keep him around. He has the most power to hurt me again, but D knows just how to melt me and make me feel better about anything at all. I'm glad to have D and my friends to talk to me and help me feel like a normal person again. I don't want anyone to worry about me though, especially EE because her family life is absolutely terrorizing and I don't dare to go into detail about it, it's that horrid. She and I have a lot in common and I want to keep in touch with her forever, if only so that I can find out that people with terrible starts can still turn out okay.
I'm scared to push D away again so I'm just going to act happy and smiley because he likes me that way best and I just want everything to be okay. I feel better when I act like everything's better anyway, and I need his support more than ever.
Everything needs to be okay.
-T.
He really means so much to me and it's really silly but he is the only person outside of my family that I really feel okay crying in front of. When he tells me that he loves me and stupid sappy stuff it really makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. I guess that's why I keep him around. He has the most power to hurt me again, but D knows just how to melt me and make me feel better about anything at all. I'm glad to have D and my friends to talk to me and help me feel like a normal person again. I don't want anyone to worry about me though, especially EE because her family life is absolutely terrorizing and I don't dare to go into detail about it, it's that horrid. She and I have a lot in common and I want to keep in touch with her forever, if only so that I can find out that people with terrible starts can still turn out okay.
I'm scared to push D away again so I'm just going to act happy and smiley because he likes me that way best and I just want everything to be okay. I feel better when I act like everything's better anyway, and I need his support more than ever.
Everything needs to be okay.
-T.
1.14.2012
EE & SY
Looking back on my life, it hasn't been rough at all. I had an emotionally unfulfilling childhood and constant family conflict, but there is so much worse that could have been. I've been getting to know a girl named EE. She is a fantastic swimmer and is smart and has a job and she never sleeps, and by that I mean probably gets around 2-3 hours of sleep every night. In addition to that, she has a terrible mother who kicks her out of the house fairly often, yells at her every day, favors her sister who is not nearly as smart, and makes her pay for her own food and gas and whatever else she needs. I thought I had it bad.
I only met EE this year and she is really funny and oddly enough she is kind of obsessed with me. She thinks that I am the most perfect person alive, and I feel strange about that. Suddenly this year I am pretty well liked in all of my classes I think, and that's never happened to me before. I was always the quiet scary one or the really annoying one, and with good reason. I don't know why EE likes me so much and I'm not sure that I deserve it at all. She has so much going on in her life, and I don't want her to think that I'm better than her in any way at all. I could never deal with all she has been through, and it makes me sad that since she had a rough year time in school at one point due to other circumstances, her chances at UChicago (also her dream school,) are greatly diminished. She deserves so much more, and I don't know why so much hardship has befallen her. Her mother makes mine look loving and tender. Most people never recognize all that she does and has to push through and that's just so unfortunate. She is so stressed all the time and I just want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, and that she doesn't deserve any of this.
Actually, very much the same goes for another friend, SY. She's had three concussions very recently, and if you know anything about head trauma you know that that's terrible news. It's definitely going to cause serious long term problems, even if she gets better in the short term. She had to give up cheerleading, which she loves, and she is so behind in school since she hasn't been able to be there so much. And when she's at home, it's not like she can catch up. I have six classes with her, so it's very apparent to me when she isn't there for a day. When she is there, much of the time her head is hurting and EE and I help a little by squeezing her head for her during class. Everything is discouraging, and she doesn't know how to cope.
Except, she has found coping mechanisms. I don't know if this is a recent trend but she buys random stuff like crazy. It's all really nice clothes but it is so much money for items she will wear about twice. She has tons of clothes that she already has never worn before and I think it's getting a bit excessive. In addition, she's starving herself. It can't be good for her brain that's trying to heal, not to mention the usual consequences. She is already so thin and I always really liked her body. Her mom isn't being helpful either. SY ended up not applying to her favorite college because she was so afraid of rejection and her mother was so discouraging. On the other hand, her behavior is kind of outrageous. The constant shopping and social networking and starvation are keeping her from catching up. At the same time though, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same if I were her. She is taking the toughest classes in school, and is terribly behind in them. I don't think I could handle it. It's made me realize that beauty and smarts and prestige are nothing. What you really need are stable emotions and a sound mind. Everything else you can make do with.
My friends go through so much and I just feel so powerless. Literally none of this is through any fault of their own, and they have to suffer. I guess that's just life, but it's just so horrible. I hope so much that later in life they are happy and they get everything they have ever needed and hoped for. Right now that's just not possible because of some stupid circumstances. It all seems like the end of the world to them now, and I've been there before, but I think that just means that things can improve from there. I want everyone and everything to turn out okay.
I only met EE this year and she is really funny and oddly enough she is kind of obsessed with me. She thinks that I am the most perfect person alive, and I feel strange about that. Suddenly this year I am pretty well liked in all of my classes I think, and that's never happened to me before. I was always the quiet scary one or the really annoying one, and with good reason. I don't know why EE likes me so much and I'm not sure that I deserve it at all. She has so much going on in her life, and I don't want her to think that I'm better than her in any way at all. I could never deal with all she has been through, and it makes me sad that since she had a rough year time in school at one point due to other circumstances, her chances at UChicago (also her dream school,) are greatly diminished. She deserves so much more, and I don't know why so much hardship has befallen her. Her mother makes mine look loving and tender. Most people never recognize all that she does and has to push through and that's just so unfortunate. She is so stressed all the time and I just want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, and that she doesn't deserve any of this.
Actually, very much the same goes for another friend, SY. She's had three concussions very recently, and if you know anything about head trauma you know that that's terrible news. It's definitely going to cause serious long term problems, even if she gets better in the short term. She had to give up cheerleading, which she loves, and she is so behind in school since she hasn't been able to be there so much. And when she's at home, it's not like she can catch up. I have six classes with her, so it's very apparent to me when she isn't there for a day. When she is there, much of the time her head is hurting and EE and I help a little by squeezing her head for her during class. Everything is discouraging, and she doesn't know how to cope.
Except, she has found coping mechanisms. I don't know if this is a recent trend but she buys random stuff like crazy. It's all really nice clothes but it is so much money for items she will wear about twice. She has tons of clothes that she already has never worn before and I think it's getting a bit excessive. In addition, she's starving herself. It can't be good for her brain that's trying to heal, not to mention the usual consequences. She is already so thin and I always really liked her body. Her mom isn't being helpful either. SY ended up not applying to her favorite college because she was so afraid of rejection and her mother was so discouraging. On the other hand, her behavior is kind of outrageous. The constant shopping and social networking and starvation are keeping her from catching up. At the same time though, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do the same if I were her. She is taking the toughest classes in school, and is terribly behind in them. I don't think I could handle it. It's made me realize that beauty and smarts and prestige are nothing. What you really need are stable emotions and a sound mind. Everything else you can make do with.
My friends go through so much and I just feel so powerless. Literally none of this is through any fault of their own, and they have to suffer. I guess that's just life, but it's just so horrible. I hope so much that later in life they are happy and they get everything they have ever needed and hoped for. Right now that's just not possible because of some stupid circumstances. It all seems like the end of the world to them now, and I've been there before, but I think that just means that things can improve from there. I want everyone and everything to turn out okay.
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