I talked to GJ today since he was SAT subject testing as well. He brought up D, which was a relief. He told me that it was my choice, and I could go with whomever I wanted. Honestly I know that GJ didn't even want to go with me, he just was going to because he felt bad for me. I am not so conflicted anymore. That doesn't mean that I'm sure what I'm doing will be good for me. In fact, I'm almost certain it won't be. I guess I'm going to prom with D. He's been telling me all this stuff... that I'm not even sure I want to get into. It's all so very hard to believe, but I want to believe it so badly. It needs to be understood that I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I was ready to let go of D. I was going to be strong. How was I to prepare myself for him to come back like this? I don't know what I want. There are moments when I know that we will work out. Then there are other moments when I know that we won't ever be together again. At this point, I really am just willing to go with the flow. D scares the shit out of me. Nobody else can manipulate me like he does. Everybody's going to kill me if they find out what's happening between us. Who knows, maybe he really is willing to change. Or maybe he's going to flee the moment a reminder goes up that I am not perfect. Only he can throw me around the way he does. If one good thing comes out of this, it'll be that I can wear my 5-inch heels without feeling like I need to slouch. Yes, staying positive. :] -T.
I think I am going to prom. I'm going with a guy named GJ. He really has always intrigued me, and I have always wanted to get to know him better. I had to proactively and blatantly let him know I wanted to go with him though, or else I don't think he had planned to go to prom at all. He's smart, hilarious, cute, and ambitious. He's just not that tall, I mean, taller than I am, but that's not saying much. Still, he seems to be everything I have been looking for. I wonder how he is going to formally ask me. :] I only started making my moves toward GJ after I decided that D really didn't want to go with me. It's hard to believe that he actually did want to go with me, I'm a little jealous of myself really. Right before I was officially aware that GJ was going to ask me, D brought up going to prom as friends. I would have liked to, but he seemed apprehensive, so I told him to think about it. Shortly thereafter, I found out that GJ was going to ask me, so I told D. He was really disappointed, and seemed really sad. I felt incredibly bad, as I was his last hope for prom, and I had to go and let him down again. That night, he called me. He kept me up for hours, telling me he loves me and misses me and that he's incredibly jealous of GJ at the moment. It really wasn't helpful that both of us needed to take the AP Calculus BC exam the very next morning, but whatever. I feel personally responsible for his agony, and it hurts me. I don't know if he is being sincere, but trust me, he believes he is sincere. Today I allowed him to drive me home. We stopped in a parking lot by my house. We started to hug goodbye. He wouldn't let go. I couldn't bring myself to either. We talked and kissed. A lot. But these were not the ferociously passionate kisses that we once shared. These were the saddest kisses ever to be made. These were swirled with tears and remembrances and missed chances and miscommunications and everything that had gone wrong between us but didn't have to go wrong. He gazed upon the scars that stain my wrists. He was all the sensitivity I have loved. It frightens me. Why did he have to do this now? If he had done this a month ago, maybe even a week ago, I might have taken him back in a heartbeat. This is unfair to GJ, and GJ is something fresh and something I feel I can look into the future for. It's terribly ironic, really. The moment I began to really trust D, he started to fall out of love with me. The moment I felt that I was really moving on and things were looking right and hopeful, he came back and told me that he regrets ever leaving me. I know D's pain. I was there not very long ago at all. It's just too late. We just hold one another and kiss our sad kisses and cry. -T.
