cawlej.

        Yesterday I submitted three college applications: U of I, Notre Dame, and UChicago. Oh yeah, I really haven't updated at all on the college process. That's just because any energy I have to think about college, I am doing my applications. The moment I hit submit on the latter two, I got really nervous and almost regretted it because I could have edited all my essays ten more times. Still, I'm glad I got it over with; it's a really weird feeling because I have had the stress of applications for months. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with emotion. I especially feel this way for UC, because my whole future is contingent on that application. I want to go there so badly. There is nothing that I want more at this moment, and it will be a ridiculously long two months wait to find out. Of course, that was only the first round of applications, just the early ones. I'm finding that it is hard for me to actually be interested in any school other than UC. I probably have a little fewer than ten schools to apply to, I don't even know. It just depends on my mood and how busy I am at this point.
        Today my school guidance counselor sent me a pass saying she wanted to "touch base" with me. She told me how much she enjoyed writing my letter of recommendation, and also that she was surprised to find that I am a year younger than others in my grade. I didn't even really consider this factor when I was helping her write my letter of recommendation, I don't even think about this. She said that older students have a natural advantage from the beginning, and this continues throughout their life spans. As a younger student who is still doing well in advanced classes, it is supposed to be really impressive. I always figured that it didn't make that much of a difference; I skipped from half of first grade to halfway through second grade, it was a head start at a young age. I didn't skip anything important or that I didn't already know. However, apparently teenagers mature very quickly. It could completely account for my freshman year. That one year made all the difference. I am feeling a little more confident in the applications process. She is really so sweet to me. I don't know why I would deserve any of the things I have in life, and I am so grateful for them. I have gotten so much support from everyone. Even my family; they paid around $200 in merely application fees yesterday. I just realized how much this process is going to cost. At about $100 per college, (application fees, ACT and SAT scores, transcripts, etc.) it's a tough process. It costs so much to apply and possibly get rejected.
        Anyway, I got 100 on my English test today. I don't think I deserved it. I wrote less and barely marked up the poems we were analyzing, while people next to me did much more and got little credit for it. I always thought it would be nice to be a teacher's favorite, but I just feel guilty mostly. I mean, I'm a favorite because I participate in class, do all my work, and have good ideas, so it's not totally unfounded. Yet, it still doesn't seem right. I don't know. I'm grateful for everything, even if I don't deserve it, and I'm sure that I can make the best of whatever happens to me.

what is the point of threats

Maybe I would have done what you told me to anyway, but then you had to go and threaten me and insult me. Apparently you expect me to be really happy to do your bidding after you just made me feel like absolute shit. Then you yell at me for having a bad attitude. I try to tell you to not threaten me and please not treat me like I killed someone the other day, but you keep telling me to shut up when I try to speak because you don't want to hear it. I can't tell you what I feel, and even if I could it wouldn't matter. You don't care what I feel.

When I do do your bidding because I have no other options, you clearly enjoy your power rush. Still though, you are upset because I don't seem to be a happy little sheep when I do it. Nonetheless, I do it, and you are relieved. You will use this as an example in the future of how I need to be threatened in order to get anything done. I can't refute lest you become upset with me again, and you have that set idea in your mind anyway. I am reinforcing your behavior because I have no choice, and I indeed become the docile, obedient robot you always wanted me to be.

It's as if you have to exert power over me or else I will lose respect for you. If by respect you mean fear, then you are correct. However I have some news for you. I have already lost all respect for you and that's likely not going to change. Respect is difficult to earn back. I know that only horrible kids don't respect their parents, but I'm okay with being one of those if it means being honest. Yes, I do agree that you are entitled to some degree of respect because you had sex and birthed me and gave me food and shelter. However much respect that got you though, has been negated tenfold. Perhaps I have lost your respect too, but that's okay because it's for things like trying to nap after school. I do it maybe once a week, and then I get a rant about a vicious cycle that will ruin my circadian rhythm except you don't use the term circadian rhythm because you know nothing about psychology, nor do you care about the state of my mental health.

I probably can't blame you. Your parents were most likely just like this too. At one point you were young and wanted to be great parents and were excited to start a family, but over time you forgot all the parenting books you read. You forgot that I have a mind of my own too, and you certainly don't want to be reminded of it. Every day you find some way to make me want to cut myself. It takes all of my willpower to not do that because I am not supposed to be doing that anymore.
-T.

my grandma's here

        My grandma flew in from Seattle last week and she's going to stay with us for about another month. She's pretty much awesome, she cooks the best food and she is really sane which is odd considering she is my mom's mom. In fact, the most amazing thing happened the other day: she yelled at my mom for basically being an insolent, immature, selfish child. My mother is seriously the hypocrite of the century. She was trying to get my grandma to shut up with stupid sarcasm and saying "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" over and over while my grandma was talking. Yet, she scorns me when I am sarcastic. I have literally no respect for her, the only thing that keeps me from bitching her out most of the time is because I know it will just make her even more annoying. My mom doesn't take criticism from anyone, and I doubt she really took it to heart even though it was her mom, but she shut up for once. Of course, then afterwords she was driving me and it was really scary because she has the worst road rage and I was in fear for my life. Still, it was so incredibly worth it. My grandma also told her that my sister and I would end up having that horrible attitude rub off on us, and my mom shouldn't blame us if we act a certain way. This was my most righteous moment because I have been telling my mom this for years, which of course always backfires. I tell her that I get my bad attitude from her, and she says that it's my fault, that I should know to only learn the good things from her. This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, because that's like saying from birth I should have been able to differentiate good qualities from bad and only selectively emulate them. Of course, she has no logic so when I try to explain things to her, she pulls the, "I went to college, you didn't, I am so much more experienced than you are." If I'm so stupid then why does she waste her breath on me? I just wish she could see things from any point of view other than her own, because absolutely everyone knows that she is insane. She is such a negative person that I am so not surprised that I have had so much emotional trouble with myself.
        On weekends like today, she wakes me up by telling me I am a lazy fat ass and slams my door. She screams at me that it's 11 o'clock and I am so selfish by sleeping. I wake up and look at the clock and it's 10:15. It's like everything she tries to get me to do, she does it by attempting to guilt me into doing it. I do not want to wake up when the first sign of day is my bat shit crazy mother. Furthermore, I am not a lazy fat ass because I normally get around five hours of sleep during weekdays, resulting in an accumulation of about 18 hours of sleep. I am sorry if I want to sleep in during weekends. I am sorry that my brain needs rest and you can't understand that. I try to stop rewarding her asinine behavior by not listening to her when she is acting like that, but of course then she threatens me by saying she won't drive me to here or there or take me to the doctor so I can't win. I can't wait to move out.
-T.

Powderpuff

        Yesterday was my school's powderpuff game, in which junior and senior girls play football against one another as a Homecoming tradition. They dress up in decorated, glittery, skanky uniforms with punny/intimidating names. They create chants and bully one another, each trying to establish their dominance over the other grade level. Frankly, it's a classic example of the basic principle of social psychology. No matter our innate qualities, the situation and expectations of others will greatly skew our behaviors. The moment the teams are arbitrarily split by grade level, hostility and group-think is instantly created. With group-think comes group polarization, in which initially mild group decisions become increasingly extreme. Here is a Lord of the Flies scenario in action. I also cannot help but call to mind Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment.
        I participated last year, and couldn't help feeling silly and idiotic. During the school day there was endless bullying and glitter everywhere throughout the school. The seniors last year chanted a girl's name just because they hated her. This girl honestly was indeed very hate-worthy, but the chanting was incredibly unnecessary. During the game in the evening, there were several injuries, including one girl bleeding from the mouth from another girl ramming her head against her. This year, I chose not to participate in this savage activity, partially because of my personal gripes about it, and also because it seemed a waste of time and $60. This event is an excuse be absolutely obnoxious, it is not about football and it is not about school spirit. The vast majority of girls at my school are polite, civil persons the rest of the year. Powderpuff makes for a great social psychology example. I am sure that I would have acted similarly ridiculous had I joined in, and that realization of my own innate savage nature is frightening.
       I thought I would feel left out, but oddly enough, I felt very alternative which was kind of funny. Every class I was in some girl piped, "we should take a class powderpuff picture!" and I would be the only girl not in it. I felt like so not mainstream, it was great. I still helped my friends with their punny names and their fun makeup. A guy whom I have not spoken to since 8th grade came up to me in the hallway and said, "I heard you were the only senior girl not doing this stupid thing. That's awesome." It absolutely made my school day. After classes, we had a homecoming assembly which would undoubtedly be filled with more brutality. I skipped it and had D pick me up. Of course though, as I was ten feet from his car, I was stopped by a parapro and forced me to return to the assembly. Since it was already half over and I really did not want to attend, I just hid in the bathroom and played sudoku on my iPod for about forty minutes. I really really  hated my school at that moment. Anyway, it was a waste of a school day but it was good because none of my teachers assigned homework for Homecoming weekend. I look forward to stalking my friends' Homecoming pictures. I would have liked to go to the dance, but buying a dress is such a needless hassle and my parents would not accept that I would go with D. I guess they will find out eventually that I'm seeing him again, but I'm hoping to keep it from them until I move out, if it is still pertinent. There are a myriad of silly reasons for which they don't accept him. I am so over high school though, that Homecoming is not important to me. I would rather sit at home and prepare for my next phase of life, which is college! I forced D to take me to McDonald's and we had a good time after school by ourselves. It was one year to the day that I lost my virginity to him, so of course we celebrated. Who needs high school anymore?
-T.

honeymooning.

        The other day I accidentally-on-purpose told D that I love him. It's true, I do, but it is hard to say. It opens the door to so much more hurt. I thought about it for a long time though, and I decided it would end up hurting me more if I never got to tell him how I really feel. Also, I do get the feeling that D is the kind of guy who wants what he can't get. The fact that I wasn't telling him I loved him made him work harder for me. Yet, I would have to tell him it eventually. If he was just going to get bored with me because he didn't have to chase me much anymore in the end, then I'd rather it be sooner and not drag it out.
        We are likely still in the honeymoon phase right now. The moments we spend together are wonderful, but still they remind me of how things used to be. It's just like the first time around, except this time I know better and I remember the last time. In the back of my mind there is always that weight, and I wonder if it will ever fade. Will we get tired of each other again? It's frightening. My friend VK has been with her boyfriend for about a year, I want to say. They still love each other so much and are so perfect together. VK is a beautiful person with a beautiful mind, though. I wonder if I could ever have that. I wonder if I could ever deserve that.
         It's true that D is a flawed human being, but so am I. I don't and can't love selective parts of him. I know him better than I have ever known anyone. I am close to him like I have been close to no other. There is no reason for me to keep my feelings to myself, no matter how complex they are. If he can't handle them, I'd rather know sooner than later. I can only hope that he can remember that I make mistakes too and he won't back out at the first sign of trouble. For now, D makes me more happy than anything. I sure hope it lasts this time around. I won't know for a while I guess.
-T.