I'm not a hardcore feminist or anything, I swear.
Is it odd that I want these?
Very badly?
-T.
4.29.2011
so jcrew
I'm not a hardcore feminist or anything, I swear.
Is it odd that I want these?
Very badly?
-T.
4.28.2011
Items for Which I Would Give Up All Contact with D:
- a 36 on my ACT, perhaps I'd give him up even for a superscore of 36
- guaranteed straight A's
- guaranteed straight 5's on the rest of my AP tests
- be on the top 5% wall my senior year
- a beautiful C-cup
- skinny arms and shoulders
- clear skin
- minus ten or fifteen pounds
- lots of money
- lots of shoes
- sane parents
- sanity
- charisma
- a crazy new hair color that looks good on me, platinum blonde or copper red
- a 0.7 waist-hip ratio
- pretty nails
- acceptance into my dream university
- unlimited time and space to discover and download music
- peace of mind
- being a legitimate math genius
- being a legitimately stellar writer
- delicate wrists
- skinny ankles
- no excess body hair - to never shave again!
- have non-greasy skin
- a naturally attractive person to people in general
- the ability to make friends easily
- be instantly magnetic to boys, especially the worthwhile ones
- an attractive and fun prom date
- a sensitive, attractive, tall, and smart guy who cares about me - love is too much to ask
- a psychiatrist
Mamihlapinatapai
“Mamihlapinatapai: A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start.”
all i want
We failed because you couldn't accept me once I began to reveal myself to you. You couldn't accept that I'm a real person too, and that I make mistakes, but my mistakes don't define me. You tried to change me, and I tried to change too. I couldn't change quite quick enough for you. I couldn't quite turn my life's mindset around quick enough. We just "weren't right" for each other. We weren't the same person.
Honestly when people say that they just "aren't the same person," it frustrates me. Did you really expect that when you were born, one person out of the nearly 7 billion in this world was also born and created just to be with you? It's highly implausible, really. Even if it is the truth, how are you supposed to find this person? Soul mates are not made for each other. Each soul mate made the other. It's a combination of sensitivity, acceptance, and compromise. Relationships fail when one of these are not met, and really all three of theses factors run into each other.
I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait for boys in my dating pool to catch up and know this too. They don't know how to make compromises. They are all so naive, and I don't blame them. I wish I could have stayed naive like that forever. Everything used to be so full of hope and potential. Only if I meet a guy who can give and take properly in a relationship could I allow myself to open up again. Actually, I know that's not true. I'll probably make the same mistakes and fall head over heels for the next attractive boy who plays himself up to be sensitive and caring and shows some interest.
I had my first "boyfriend" when I was twelve years old. I'm nearly sick of it. Statistically speaking, I most likely have another ten years of this. Some people never even find anyone. Some people have it so easy. They find that perfectly accepting person in high school, and they're set for life. I don't know how anyone could ever accept me though. I can't even accept myself. I can't even name one thing that I particularly like about myself. If you can name something positive about me, I've contemplated it and refuted it.
"All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they're not all the same." Sometimes we never get what we really want.
-T.
Honestly when people say that they just "aren't the same person," it frustrates me. Did you really expect that when you were born, one person out of the nearly 7 billion in this world was also born and created just to be with you? It's highly implausible, really. Even if it is the truth, how are you supposed to find this person? Soul mates are not made for each other. Each soul mate made the other. It's a combination of sensitivity, acceptance, and compromise. Relationships fail when one of these are not met, and really all three of theses factors run into each other.
I'm not sure how long I'll have to wait for boys in my dating pool to catch up and know this too. They don't know how to make compromises. They are all so naive, and I don't blame them. I wish I could have stayed naive like that forever. Everything used to be so full of hope and potential. Only if I meet a guy who can give and take properly in a relationship could I allow myself to open up again. Actually, I know that's not true. I'll probably make the same mistakes and fall head over heels for the next attractive boy who plays himself up to be sensitive and caring and shows some interest.
I had my first "boyfriend" when I was twelve years old. I'm nearly sick of it. Statistically speaking, I most likely have another ten years of this. Some people never even find anyone. Some people have it so easy. They find that perfectly accepting person in high school, and they're set for life. I don't know how anyone could ever accept me though. I can't even accept myself. I can't even name one thing that I particularly like about myself. If you can name something positive about me, I've contemplated it and refuted it.
"All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they're not all the same." Sometimes we never get what we really want.
-T.
4.26.2011
nervous breakdown 2
During practice today the coach kept making my partner and I play doubles with all these annoying varsity people. Of course they beat us but it just killed our confidence. The coach played doubles against us with someone else twice and the other side lost both times. As punishment, he made my partner and I practice serves because ours were "illegal". Yeah right. He was just mad that he couldn't get them and that he lost and that he didn't put us on varsity or something. LOL JK I'm not good enough for varsity.
I was already having a really annoying day. It's not good to not sleep and have so many things to do and then find out you didn't do quite well enough on your four-day calculus exam. I mean, I did fine. I don't think it's enough to pull up my grade though. I'm still waiting on the scores for the free response sections. I hope the curve is super substantial. My friend thinks I like her brother and is really creeped out but I don't like him at all. She was the one who kept bringing up playing badminton with him and going to prom with him. Ahahaha. Prom. It feels like everyone is getting asked this week except me. Kills my self esteem.
Anyway, I was in a ratty emotional state all of practice, and it just got worse and worse as the coach kept being super annoying and bitter. Near the end, my partner accidentally whacked me in the face with her racket. Before I knew it, I felt tears welling up from the pain and the shock, and then all of my day's anxiety came pouring out. Nervous breakdown #2. I sobbed and sobbed and it was beyond embarrassing. I felt bad for my partner, I made her look like a total bitch and she kept saying sorry and I explained to her that it really wasn't her fault, that it didn't even hurt that much. She was really understanding about it. She is seriously the best doubles partner ever. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. People must think I'm really wimpy, and I must be. I just need to suck it up, everyone deals with the stuff that I do.
My situation isn't special. It definitely didn't warrant TWO nervous breakdowns.
Anyway, I'm taking the ACT tomorrow again as part of a mandatory school exam. I guess I'm going for the 36 or something. Not that I studied or am going to get it.
-T.
I was already having a really annoying day. It's not good to not sleep and have so many things to do and then find out you didn't do quite well enough on your four-day calculus exam. I mean, I did fine. I don't think it's enough to pull up my grade though. I'm still waiting on the scores for the free response sections. I hope the curve is super substantial. My friend thinks I like her brother and is really creeped out but I don't like him at all. She was the one who kept bringing up playing badminton with him and going to prom with him. Ahahaha. Prom. It feels like everyone is getting asked this week except me. Kills my self esteem.
Anyway, I was in a ratty emotional state all of practice, and it just got worse and worse as the coach kept being super annoying and bitter. Near the end, my partner accidentally whacked me in the face with her racket. Before I knew it, I felt tears welling up from the pain and the shock, and then all of my day's anxiety came pouring out. Nervous breakdown #2. I sobbed and sobbed and it was beyond embarrassing. I felt bad for my partner, I made her look like a total bitch and she kept saying sorry and I explained to her that it really wasn't her fault, that it didn't even hurt that much. She was really understanding about it. She is seriously the best doubles partner ever. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. People must think I'm really wimpy, and I must be. I just need to suck it up, everyone deals with the stuff that I do.
My situation isn't special. It definitely didn't warrant TWO nervous breakdowns.
Anyway, I'm taking the ACT tomorrow again as part of a mandatory school exam. I guess I'm going for the 36 or something. Not that I studied or am going to get it.
-T.
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