wilderness

        I'm getting a bit better at avoiding those Facebook pictures that kill me inside. New ones got posted of D and my former friends plus his new crush, another super dork of a girl. Sure, they are so very tempting. I did go through a few of them, but they only brought back my repressed emotions. So I stopped. It is still very hurtful, just knowing that there is mounting indisputable evidence that they are all happy in their lives without me. In addition, it really doesn't help that D looks really attractive, and his moobs seem to have shrunk. 

        The quarter just ended. I think I got a B in calculus because I did very poorly on the last test.  I absolutely cannot have that be my only B for the semester. How am I going to show my worth to colleges, when I am supposed to be a math major, and my junior year is supposed to be my strongest year?

        Yesterday I got moved up to #1 JV for badminton. Once again, so close. I would have been on varsity, except that I girl who I usually beat happened to beat me closely the one time that the coaches were watching and recording our scores. As a result, she's varsity. I'm not. This happened last year too, when I was almost JV, but instead I was #1 Fresh/Soph. It happened the year before too, when I didn't even make the team by a hair. 

        Today was a chance to prove myself. I had to fill in for #2 Varsity because she couldn't attend the game. I lost. It was a split game with the last score being 20-22. If you know anything about badminton, you know that is a hell of a close match. I was the only one on varsity who lost at that meet. That means that I have to bring all of varsity cookies or whatever. I had to make my dad go to the store at this late hour and get them. He knew that I was upset, and I feel bad for acting horribly towards him. I know that an annoying match like that happens to everyone, and everyone told me I did a great job for not being on varsity or whatever, but that's the thing. This was the one time I could show that I was worthy of varsity. Just like every other time that counts, I screwed up the one chance to prove myself. 

-T.

why i'm doomed:

        The key to happiness is having a positive outlook on life, and to see adversity as challenges, not threats. Happy people are hopeful for the future. Easy enough, now change.

        Not so fast. The odds for American success are outstandingly in my favor. I'm going to get into a top university, I'm smart, I'm going to make lots of money. Yet, how can I be hopeful when all the odds for happiness are against me? As I have mentioned previously, my parents parented in the authoritarian style, so I'm going to be successful, but depressed. My parents argued often and my childhood was seriously annoying. Studies show that I will probably end up just like my parents, especially my mother. I can already see it in the way I treat my sister, and the way I treated BD. Fuck me.

        My parents were always hard on me, and if I did well on something, they never congratulated me. I was only reprimanded for what I did wrong, or what I was going to do wrong in the future. As psychology predicted, I am repeating this behavior now even without my parents' help. You will parent yourself as you once were parented.

        Since I always pretty much had some kind of trivial family drama, I was always used to having a lot of annoying drama in my life. Now I subconsciously search for that in all of my relationships. If something I have is healthy and stable, it feels wrong. I have to do something to mess it up. Most of the time I won't realize I'm doing it. Most of the time it just feels right to be making all these confrontations with people. Occasionally I realize what I'm doing. I do it anyway. A relationship doesn't feel normal to me unless I'm on the verge of despair about it. 

        Knowing a  lot about psychology should help me, but it doesn't. I know everything about my own condition. I've analyzed myself through and through. Unfortunately, it doesn't change anything.

-T.

shut up, bishh

Dear EG:

        You get away with being pretty. I have no idea how, because you are really bony and weird looking and have no boobs or waist or butt or even thighs to speak of. Your nose is huge and not defined in the least, and you have a ginormous forehead. Your eyebrows are too long, they don't frame your features correctly.Your lips are thin but still big, in a way that makes them fishy and floppy. When you laugh your eyes go even smaller than mine and your neck bones or whatever pop out and you get this double chin that isn't even some healthy plump, but weird saggy skin. Still, you're "pretty." Actually, D said you're hot. I really don't see it, but good for you.

        You don't even laugh at anything worth laughing about. Sometimes I think you're just fake, but then I realize that that's who you are. Just an artificial "pretty" girl who can't carry on a meaningful conversation because you have nothing meaningful in your brain. Sure, you can chat about classical music, which is special, but that's because you are a fake Asian. Seriously though, your favorite celebrities are Korean pop stars, and you are HISPANIC. What are you trying to do? You got into U of I on a generous scholarship, and that's amazing, until we remember that you only got that because of affirmative action.

        Call me envious. Sure, I am. You are so nice and you get everyone to like you (until they realize what a bore you are.) Someday I just know that you will be a wonderful trophy wife. You are so domestic and you love cooking and shopping and fashion and children. Yet you will never intimidate any man by showing any hint of special intelligence or deep conversationalism. Lucky you.

        For now, I am just especially sick of the way that it seems that you have stolen my life. As my wonderful AP U.S. History teacher, Mr. RT would say, you "raped the fields" of everyone who once brought me joy. Do what you want, but please stop rubbing it in my face. Please stop posting facebook statuses every day about how you are going this place or that place with all these people who would once go to these places with me. Please stop writing on the walls of people who would once write on mine. You've taken one of my best friends, ZJ, away from me. He was my closest tie to normal friendship. Your existence caused D and NS and XK and SJ and CJ and I'm sure countless others to realize what I drag I am compared to you. They are happier with you now. That's fine, but please stop reminding me of all this.

        I have never in my life hated anyone like I hate you now. I am glad you will never read this, because it is horrible. It would only serve to remind you and everyone else why I am despised.

-T.

improvement.

        I realized that I spent almost a whole day not thinking about D. Seriously it's hard to imagine that I could have done that. March 22 is approaching, and I never thought that I would really be able to meet that goal. Now I guess I really can. I'm not pushing it back, as I thought that I might have.

        I have a date with a super mega hottie, PK, on the 22nd. Tuesday. I wonder what it will be like. Honestly he's not much of a conversationalist, but I bet he sucks good face. He has a complete player reputation, but at this point I don't know if I care. I'll just see how it goes and try not to get too involved. He would make a hot bofo though :P hahaha jk not yet.

        My mom called me a slut today. She says that she thinks I must have "needs" far more than other girls my age. Why else would I always be in such a hurry to find boys??? Wait. Hello? Does she think I go looking for these boys? Anyway, if a cute boy with nothing wrong with him asks me to hang out, what am I supposed to say, no, because I don't have needs? or some shit?? Wait WHAT. Then she cites all of my past boyfriends as proof that I just go around with anyone who comes my way. This is confirmation bias at its finest. Obviously I don't tell her about the boys who I reject, so she only ever hears about the ones who ask me and I don't reject. So ultimately she assumes that all she knows is all that is, and that I never reject anyone. Okay. When I try to object, and tell her that she is really being quite offensive, she pulls more "evidence" from out of her butt to try and prove to me how big of a slut I am. This evidence consists of "remember that one lame boyfriend? and this one guy who kept calling you but you never yelled at him to stop? and when you wanted a cell phone obviously so that you could talk to boys all day and night?" She really cannot understand how hurtful and arbitrary she is. If only she knew the whole truth, of how far I went with D, what would she think of me? Really I don't even know why I try with her anymore, because I'm going to be out of there soon anyway, and I know that she is a complete lost cause. If I try to take issue with her, she pushes it even further. Why is it that my own mother is one of the only people who doesn't know the truth, yet she can't even accept the stupid facade I make for her?

She knows nothing and yet despises everything.

-T.

canidie??

Francisco Lachowski