today is my mom's birthday.

        I honestly didn't remember until she came home with a few balloons from work. I was the only one who saw them so I quickly told her happy birthday before she could get mad. My dad thought it was tomorrow. Oops. We were playing around with the balloons later and then my dad accidentally popped one. My mom started complaining about what an idiot he was and how nobody bought her any presents and how she deserves to get all this money and a really expensive skin care set. This went on for about an hour, until finally I told her, "calm down, it's just a balloon..." Her response: "how would you feel if it was your balloon???" Sometimes it is really hard to suppress my laughter when she speaks. I tried to explain to her that just because she was born on a certain day doesn't mean she is entitled to all these things, and that I didn't get any presents for my birthday either and I didn't expect any either. She insisted that her birthday did in fact mean that she deserved to get whatever she wanted, and that she took me out for sushi dinner. This is true, and I thanked her for it, but also pointed out that I never once expected it, just like I didn't expect anything. Nothing quelled her fit though.
       To appease her my dad and I drove to Jewel to go buy her a cake. She told us that she didn't want any and that we were wasteful and awful, but told us what kind of cake she wanted anyway. We spent half an hour at the bakery part of Jewel debating which cake to get her and looked like crazy cake fanatics, and also got her favorite Butter Pecan ice cream. When we got home we were all like yayy happy birthday!!! She acted sour, ate a piece of cake by herself while we were still setting up the table, and then left and refused to eat the cake and ice cream with us, saying that she was full and didn't want all the sugar and coldness in the winter. Then after we were done eating she came back downstairs and ate the ice cream by herself.
        I really don't understand what goes on in her mind. She has such a sense of entitlement and is impossible to satisfy. When I was in first grade, I bought her a $5 ring for her birthday with my own money and she yelled at me for several hours for being wasteful and stupid. It must have been a very ugly ring, since she tossed it the garbage in front of me. I haven't gotten her any presents since then. I suppose I am required to buy my mother presents, but there is no winning with her anyway. If we don't meet all of her expectations, then we are terrible and inconsiderate. If we do try to do something for her, she calls us wasteful and stupid. Perhaps this is why I hate birthdays. My family is forced to pretend to like each other and sing an asinine song together and that just feels so unnatural in my house. I'm complaining too much though.Overall I had a very good day. We had math team practice and that always makes me very very happy, and at least I got to eat cake and ice cream! I'm always tired because I'm lame and need a lot of sleep, but I feel good a lot of the time.
-T.

perfect people.

         I received a letter a few days ago notifying me of my candidacy for Presidential Scholar. At first I thought it was another silly flattering begging scheme from some school, but at second glance it seemed to be something more. Addressed from the U.S. Department of Education, it stated that I was of 3,000 high school seniors in the nation who will soon be vying for a 150 or so spots for Presidential Scholars. The scholars get a free trip to the White House, tour D.C., meet the president, and have this crazy title for life. After stalking the website I realized that from my school it was me and the three-person 36 club. The 35-ers, myself included, were below the cut. Except my SAT score qualified me. The 1600 did it. How awkward of me, to be stuck in a group with the most academically perfect people in the school. Why me? I'm not sure that I deserve this. My SAT as I've said many times before, was a one time fluke. I would never in my life be able to pull it off again no matter how many times I took it. Why is this me? Nobody expects it from me. People at my school are way smarter than me, why am I in this category and they aren't? It's such a huge honor that it's almost unheard of, if that makes any sense. My school counselor had no idea what it was when I went to her in confusion. I think there's less fuss about it than for the National Merit Scholars, and this means a heck of lot more. I feel embarrassed about it, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There's no way I'm going to get to be a real Presidential Scholar, and I'm not even sure that I can get to be a semifinalist. I'm going to be competing with people like DC, and literally the smartest and most motivated people in America. I know it's all based on a silly test score, but it's so insane that I am grouped with these kinds of people. I never did anything great like write a book or do research. I'm just a normal person who just happened to be motivated at the right time and do well on a lot of things society values and rewards.
         This was never supposed to be me, I think. But maybe it was? But nobody is supposed to be anyone in particular I guess. It's just random chance. But maybe I had a good chance. I don't even know how this world works anymore, not that I ever did. Now that the semester is over and I ended up with a perfect 5.0 on a 4.0 scale, I really feel like a freak and a little bit of a stranger to myself. Maybe I'll end up on the top 5% wall, and if not I won't be too disappointed because I obviously could not have done anything this year to get up there anyway. It made me think of how when I was kindergarten, my teacher asked us what our goals were, and I said I wanted to be in the top 5% of my class. This was before I even knew there was a wall for it, before I moved into this school district, before I even knew what GPA was. Some things might be just meant to be, or maybe they are just random chance. I should know better than to think too hard about that though. It's beyond human capacity to concretely know any of these those big universe questions. No matter what though, I never want to forget my freshman year, my academic apathy, the middle school blues. Remembering it helps to keep the head inflation away. I still want to be a relatable person, even if I achieved all this stuff that only crazy people achieve. And I mean crazy in a good way. I want to meet all these crazy people though, and see if they are normal like me too, or if they are actually crazy. Of course there are those few who are legitimate geniuses, (PA is the closest one I've met,) but in other aspects they are somewhat lacking.
         On a somewhat related note, today my friend was talking about someone who she thinks is perfect in every way imaginable. There are always those people that everyone looks at and thinks are perfect in every way, from grades to looks to personality, and occasionally all at once. But that's impossible. Every person is flawed, and deeply so. I'm finding that once I get to know anyone, no matter how perfect they were to me before, all the things they are wrong and naive about become too apparent to me. I have not met a single person who is actually perfect, and those who I once thought were perfect are in reality far from it. I used to want to be other people, but now I can see that they are all as wrong as I am. They may have a lot going for them, but there are things wrong with them that I can't deal with either. I've already grown used to my own flaws anyway so I might as well just keep them rather than trade them for others. I can't imagine being anyone but myself. I know that people see me as perfect, but I'm not. I'm far from it, and at the moment I'm okay with it. While my appreciation for myself fluctuates hourly, I am pretty satisfied and honestly even a little shocked at how well I've turned out despite myself.
-T.

hb

        I turned 17 today. I used to really like birthdays, but this year I keep feeling uncomfortable and realizing that it is a completely selfish holiday. I was thinking of doing something for my birthday and inviting friends over but I think I'd feel awkward with all the attention on me. Plus then people would feel obligated to get me presents and I don't like that. EE bought me an adorable kitten card that meows happy birthday and $20, and that was very nice but for the most part I just don't like presents. Congrats, I was born, therefore I deserve whatever I want just doesn't seem right to me. I told my parents I didn't want anything, even though that wasn't true. There were a lot of things I could have asked for, but I didn't want to give them anything they could hold over me. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy that kind of a gift anyway.
        I didn't get any presents from my famly but I did go out to dinner with them and it was very yummy and I love sushi and so that was enough. I didn't even feel like anything was missing. I got $50 of Chinese New Year money from family friends anyway, so that will last me the year hopefully. I think I talked D out of buying me anything and he's at college anyway so I'm hoping he hasn't thought of getting me anything. He bought me those $160 Jeffrey Campbell Litas for Christmas, and I am super guilty and I never want any more presents from him again. Asking for those I think was the most selfish thing I have ever done. My friends invited me out tomorrow and I declined. I don't want our time together to be about  me. I don't like it when people sing happy birthday to me or tell me happy birthday or eat cake for my sake. It's just awkward. There are a lot of things I wanted and could have asked for, but I don't want them from anyone. This makes me even more sure than ever that I need to make my own money and spend it. If I had the world available to me at my whims, it wouldn't mean anything to me. I need to work for something to really relish it. I can't wait to do that for the rest of my life.
-T.

oops i misconstrue everything

        Oh oops in the post before I talked about my friend losing her virginity randomly but that was actually her second time and for some reason I just thought it was her first so I'm just setting things straight now. Her real virginity losing story is so sweet and perfect and something I can sort of relate to so that makes me feel better. The guy ended up randomly shutting her out of his life (sometimes I really  hate men) so that sucks a lot but at least she was happy while it lasted. Also it hurt for her first time which I always thought was a myth or it means you are doing it wrong, like probably not enough foreplay because it didn't hurt at all for my first time with the exception of a little stretching. But who knows, everyone is different.
        Regardless, I still felt what I felt when in the previous post and that still bothers me. Sex is so awesome how and why would I judge anyone for it?
-T.
P.S.
I just have to include this. I want this little girl to be my child.

no slut-shaming!

        Hmm I just found out the story of how my friend lost her virginity (not going to say who lolz.) Basically she had sex on a cruise in Europe with a rando without protection. The without protection part I actually don't really care about and whatever it happens even though it's bad and risky. It just seems odd to me that some people legitimately do not care about who they have their first time with. I'm not even talking about timing here, since I can't be one to talk about that and frankly it's another thing that I don't care about really. Having sex with a total rando, especially when losing your virginity is something that I feel like I never could consider. I knew that there are people who genuinely don't care, but I never actually knew or was kind of close to anyone like that. To me it seems so unfulfilling and odd.
        Why is sex so hyped up anyway? It causes a lot of strange emotions and really challenges a relationship but I wonder if that's just because of the social implications and significance it's been imbued with. It's just something that two people can do with their bodies, and why is that so much deeper than oral sex? I don't think that it's the risk of pregnancy anymore, with contraceptives so widely available. I don't even think it's an intimacy thing, because personally receiving oral sex feels so much more intimate to me. After my first time if I were to hook up randomly I'd be more likely to have sex than allow myself to get head. I really don't think I'm a slut-shamer, but I still feel this twinge of almost a personal violation or something when I see or hear about stories like this, especially about people I know personally. I like to think that I am a forward-thinking enlightened feminist, but I still have these stupid societal norm ideas stuck on me. I don't think my friend is a bad person, but I did feel myself losing a bit of respect for her, which is wrong. If she was comfortable with it and didn't regret it in the least, then who is to judge? Not me. But apparently I do, and I don't like that about myself. It's more than that though. It's not so much an judgment cast on her, but more like a personal internal feeling that makes strange knots in my stomach.
        But yeah, this does not make her less of a good friend to me but I was surprised by my reaction to it basically. I am going to work to change that.
-T.