How to Pack For China

• Bring all of your booty-shorts. If you have fewer than five pairs of booty-shorts, go buy some or make your own.
• Those skanky little tank tops you have around but never seem to get worn? Bring them.
• Don’t forget your gym shoes and sports bra and other fitness-y gear.
• Make sure you have tons of money, not because things are going to be expensive, rather quite the opposite. As the saying goes, it’s best to “make your money in America and spend it in China.”
• You want to look super fashion-y as there are always tons of people everywhere, so bring your trendiest outfits.
• Pack all of your best face powder. As the humidity rises, your face is going to melt. Reapply often so that you can maintain a nice cake face. God forbid anyone see any hint of your real skin.
• Waterproof mascara. Need I say more?
• You’re not going to have access to a gym and it’s not like you’re going to go for a run out in the crowded streets laced with old men in wifebeaters fanning themselves. You’re going to pig out on deliciously fattening Chinese food anyway. Accept the fact that the 10 pounds you spent the beginning of the summer losing is coming right back. Unpack fitness gear.
• Recall that trends hit China from Europe a whole season or two before they hit America. Reject all of your trendy clothes that don’t seem very trendy anymore.
• Bring all of your insect repellent.
• Have an ugly complicated purse with buckles and flaps and thick straps so as to ward off any would-be pick pocketers. Backpacks are not allowed.
• Pack some examples of hairstyles and colors that you like. You're going to get a new hairdo in China, right?
• Once you’ve finished, make sure that your large suitcase is left at least half-empty. This space will be needed for the loads of crap you’re going to buy, such as fake iPods, shoes that are going to break the fourth time you wear them, ugly jewelery, pajamas that say random things like “many sleep can little fried flower talk,” and fake bread.

-T.

China on Friday

        I'm going to China on Friday. It feels like there's so much on my mind but really it's all so simple. I'm unexpectedly nervous about teaching in China. I finished my lessons and stuff, but in my powerpoint I've included some Chinese. What if I can't read it while I'm presenting? It's mostly in English, but I don't really know what the Chinese stuff says, I just google translated and got my dad to help me. I'm in the process of memorizing it, but what if I forget? I also need to find a way to make this presentation interactive. Another volunteer teacher is having the students read stuff, but that just seems dopey and I don't feel like anyone will really care. Why do they care about American political landmarks anyway? That's what my presentation is about, what a dumb topic, right? Also since I used pictures as my background I think some of the text is hard to read and I've tried changing the font multiple ways but it's still just kind of difficult I don't really know what to do. Really the thing that I am the most nervous about is the Chinese. What if someone doesn't quite understand something in English, asks me a question, but I can't explain it properly in Chinese? They are going to judge me so hard for my shitty Chinese.
        One thing I do have going for me are my presentation skills. I've watched some of the other volunteers present and it's quite obvious that they are bored by their own presentations and the only reason they are doing this is that their parents are forcing them to. At one of the first meetings we had everyone introduce themselves and give a reason for participating in the program. Some actually had the nerve to outright say that they didn't really want to go and their parents were forcing them to. One girl in particular recieved some harsh criticism on her presentation skills, but rightfully so. When told that she looked bored by her own presentation she merely said, "yes, I am bored. I hate this." What can someone say to that? Does she think that being this way is conducive to anything for anyone? There was not even a hint of, "ok, I suck but I'll work on it!" Then again, these kinds of people are likely the ones who need this program the most. I trust that eventually she will grow up, and she merely said those things in an attempt to be defensive. Seeing as I was voted as one of the leaders of the group, I feel as if I have a responsibility to whip these kids into shape. Still, back to that notion that I can't change someone's thinking, she has to discover it within herself. Some subtle pushing can't hurt though.
-T.

How To Be Used

"I’m going to level with you. It feels pretty great at first. Why? Because you wouldn’t set yourself up to be used if you didn’t get something out of it in the first place. Maybe you’re needy. Maybe you’re insecure. Maybe you have some idyllic best-case scenario in mind regarding the user and you’re simply willing to take whatever you can get. Regardless, it starts off feeling good; you’ve got their attention—perhaps even their momentary affection—and everything is right with the world.

At some point that moment, day, month (depending on the situation) you begin to get the inclination that you represent something to this person other than what you’d hope to embody in a healthy, reciprocal, respectful relationship. But you’re still getting something out of it (validation!) so you take it, and you do your best to successfully ignore the part of your brain that’s like, “Ummm… duuuuuude…..”

Something breaks the proverbial camel’s back. Maybe you realize they’ve stopped buying you dinner and just usher you straight to their bedroom, up the back steps so their roommate doesn’t make small talk. Maybe they go off the grid for evenings at a time and then tell you they simply “crashed early.” Maybe they ask you for something so inappropriate you’re embarrassed to write about it publicly (ahem). Haaaaa but who am I kidding! If you were mentally attuned to these facts you never would’ve gotten here in the first place, would you? No, instead you’ll be telling these things to your best friends, saying things like, “But seriously, guys, I still think it’s worth salvaging,” while they kick each other under the table and visibly eye roll and go home to start a Gmail thread with the subject line, “WTF ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!”

You start to feel ill most of the hours you are awake. You live and die by communication from the person who is using you, yet you lose sight of what ‘positive interaction’ really looks, sounds, and feels like and instead settle for simply any ‘them-generated’ communication whatsoever. At some point you beg to be used. Please, come over! I will give you whiskey and Ativan and Pizza Hut! Have sex with me and leave in the middle of the night! It’s fine, my sexual needs don’t exist at all! Please, take a shit on my emotions! I will answer your whiny texts at any hour of the night! I love hearing you complain about your ex-girlfriend! It sustains me!

Concretely discern that you’re better off ignoring this person forever. Delete them from your phone (sure, you can try saving them as, “DON’T!” or “YOU’LL REGRET IT!” but your desperate drunken brain will find a way to justify it). Decide to ice them out forever. Stop making your bed because you expect them to come over (though they always promised to and never actually did, did they). Cut them off financially (foreshadowing: miraculously, they still find a way to make ends meet).

Cry. Cry a little or a lot depending on your personality. Cry in front of your friends but realize that they are so tired of your situation by now that they just wish you’d stop and let them finish watching The Bachelorette. Cry by yourself when you’re watching any television show or movie featuring happy couples, or listening to any song with a chorus that includes the word “we” regardless of context.

Take them back. Obviously. Let me reiterate that you wouldn’t get used if you had a handle on how fucked up your situation was. It’s not your fault; you don’t know better. And you won’t know better the next time you’re used either, or probably the time after that. Because you’re not an idiot. You’re not standing on a street corner with your savings account in a cardboard box wearing a t-shirt that says, “Will Fuck For a Modicum of Attention!” No, you just haven’t figured out how ‘it works’ yet.

But rest assured, someday you’ll realize you’re being used, and though it will still happen to you (goddamn your enabling personality, right?) at some point you might—might—learn to stand up for yourself.
–Sarah Heuer wants to punch you in the face."

[http://thetangential.tumblr.com/]

I don't really have much to add to this, except that you still loved being used, yes every bit of it. You don't blame that user, that precious user. He only fed you what you wanted after all. He even got what he wanted in the process, and who can blame someone for using what he has?
-T.

Hey, remember when...

• you left popped veins on my butt
• you left teeth marks on my boob
• you tried to fuck my nonexistent tits hahahaha
• you called my labia "foreskin"
• I told you I was sending you a hot pic of myself but really it was a picture of your own dick hahahaha
• you showed ZJ and ZV pictures of my butt -.-
• you told me I looked as hot as Adriana Lima when my hair was curled
• we had sex in your car in the middle of a tornado warning and thunderstorm, that was really nice
• after we had sex in the thunderstorm you kept getting freaking out because you just saw this scary vampire movie and I totally looked like one of the vampires
• I went along with it and pretended like I was going to suck all your blood out
• I told you I didn't believe that we live on in any way after we die you started crying and kept saying that "there has to be something"
• my feet were in the air and you stopped doing what you were doing just to kiss them
• you had blood in your poop for a few weeks hahahaha
• we were macking on my couch and my dad came home and you were totally not supposed to be here and you looked like you just pissed yourself and started trying to run away even though you were pretty much caught
• we were going to name our child Isaac after Isaac Newton, the inventor of calculus
• we were going to call him Ike for short, like that one kid's little brother on South Park
• we used a glow-in-the-dark condom, that was cool
• it wasn't cool when it broke
• you ate me out during our nature walk on a beautiful sunny day that was amazing
• we had so much sex that your balls got achy and so we had to do it sideways
• you wanted to be a neurosurgeon but you couldn't stand the sight of blood or the thought of work
• you had me convinced for a few weeks that you were an illegal alien from Poland and you and your family washed dishes on cruise ships for three months before getting to come here
• we had the best time ever telling each other sweet nothings
• we had the best time ever just looking at each other
• we had the best time ever.

-T.



just a little strange

        I don't want to waste my time on any more stupid boys and just skip to the right one. Yet, this will not only be inevitable, but also it is imperative that I waste this time. It would only prepare me to properly  handle the right relationship and not just trash it like I do every time. Oops, this small rant was totally unrelated to what I had intended to blog about, especially since I have probably already blogged this exact same thing. Anyway....
         Yesterday I was at another Asian dinner party. Actually I shouldn't say "another" seeing as I haven't been to one in several months. They are mostly pretty boring since ZJ doesn't show up anymore. My other good guy friend was there, and, I'm not too sure but I think he is somewhat attracted to me. Gosh that was such a pain writing that last sentence there. I'm likely just very conceited and I fantasize about geeky boys being in love with me all the time. Regardless, he is really really good at massages like you have no idea, it's just amazing. He was giving me one of his amazing massages and I could just tell that he was aching to cop a feel or something. We are pretty close, and at one point he slapped my bum lightly. HAHA that looks so weird, everything I just wrote but really it's not that big of a deal, we are just childhood friends. It's all just a little strange, but nothing I'm really worried about.
-T.

P.S. I don't know how this is showing up for anyone else, but it looks like my font is going inconsistent and it's really bothering me and I'm trying to fix it but it doesn't work. It's probably because I'm on a different computer, and I will be for a while. My tumblr format looks screwed up too on this computer. Whatever.