How to Pack For China

  • Bring all of your booty-shorts. If you have fewer than five pairs of booty-shorts, go buy some or make your own.
  • Those skanky little tank tops you have around but never seem to get worn? Bring them.
  • Don’t forget your gym shoes and sports bra and other fitness-y gear.
  • Make sure you have tons of money, not because things are going to be expensive, rather quite the opposite. As the saying goes, it’s best to “make your money in America and spend it in China.”
  • You want to look super fashion-y as there are always tons of people everywhere, so bring your trendiest outfits.
  • Pack all of your best face powder. As the humidity rises, your face is going to melt. Reapply often so that you can maintain a nice cake face. God forbid anyone see any hint of your real skin.
  • Waterproof mascara. Need I say more?
  • You’re not going to have access to a gym and it’s not like you’re going to go for a run out in the crowded streets laced with old men in wifebeaters fanning themselves. You’re going to pig out on deliciously fattening Chinese food anyway. Accept the fact that the 10 pounds you spent the beginning of the summer losing is coming right back. Unpack fitness gear.
  • Recall that trends hit China from Europe a whole season or two before they hit America. Reject all of your trendy clothes that don’t seem very trendy anymore.
  • Bring all of your insect repellent.
  • Have an ugly complicated purse with buckles and flaps and thick straps so as to ward off any would-be pick pocketers. Backpacks are not allowed.
  • Pack some examples of hairstyles and colors that you like. You're going to get a new hairdo in China, right?
  • Once you’ve finished, make sure that your large suitcase is left at least half-empty. This space will be needed for the loads of crap you’re going to buy, such as fake iPods, shoes that are going to break the fourth time you wear them, ugly jewelery, pajamas that say random things like “many sleep can little fried flower talk,” and fake bread.

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