TO is 6'1", going to U of I for Engineering, and athletic. He is playful and does not despise grammar, and really not bad looking... for an Asian. I just really cannot make myself be attracted to Asians, something is wrong with me. I'm seriously a race traitor.
Also, he really needs to settle down with the incessant shoving his tongue down my throat NONSTOP, like doesn't he have any other tricks? Sloppy. He's a nice guy, though I'm not quite completely comfortable yet. Casual physicality is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Then again, if it was with someone white and super-hot, would it be this confusing? Who knows.
For some reason I thought his Asian status implied shyness and slight prudeness. I was quite a bit surprised when I found his hand sliding up my thigh within five minutes of mack-time. All boys are seriously the same. Just kidding, I can't make that generalization, but I mean come on.... D I think was a lot smoother than he was, and a better macker, and made me feel much more at ease. He was so silly it was great. That might just be because we were in "love" and had a good relationship going on, though. Oh crap I'm comparing I suck.
This encounter really shows how much a friendship can change. We used to be dumb middle schoolers sneaking around the school and doing stupid stuff. A few years pass and suddenly we are both de-virginized, more attractive, more sure of ourselves, and horny as fuck. Sexual tensions over the years exploded today. Cool.
-T.
8.03.2011
Wieners.
An old friend of mine came over today. Before I go into that though, I'll give some background information. TO and I met when I was in 8th grade and he a freshman at Chinese school. He then went to IMSA (Illinois Math and Science Academy) starting his sophomore year so we never actually went to the same school. I liked him my freshman year, and he's had a string of Asian girlfriends.
Last summer we hung out once, and he told me that if he hadn't switched schools he would probably have asked me out. That was weird of him to say, considering he had a girlfriend at the time. In the spring we hung out again during badminton season. Then yesterday he came over and I made him "lunch" (ramen and box rice haha.) Somehow we ended up making out, only for about ten seconds though. He started it! Today he took me out to lunch, and then we were back at my house. We made out, among other things. After like three hours, we got to third base, but I didn't reciprocate.
I was feeling weird about it the whole time, and he could tell. It wasn't that I was comparing him to D or anything. It was more like I couldn't help being reminded of him. I feel a little bit guilty about it all happening so quick, even after the stuff with D happened. It's not like we are boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. Yet, I also wonder what's wrong with letting things like this happen. I didn't ask for it, it took some convincing, and I didn't reciprocate. I think what I really need to do is let the schema of skankiness go. I'm worried about what people would think, I'm worried that I will hate myself later. Why should I care though? Should it really matter that we are probably not going to officially go together, seeing as he is going to college and such?
I'm starting to see that a casual hookup is little different from masturbation, it's just a release of physical tensions. Not that this was a casual hookup, but I suppose it was something close. What I really really want to do is free my sexuality from D. This is my sexuality, and it should not forever be infused with ideas of D. I don't expect TO to bring me my next hurricane of a relationship, but what I do hope for is to get a little piece of myself back.
-T.
Last summer we hung out once, and he told me that if he hadn't switched schools he would probably have asked me out. That was weird of him to say, considering he had a girlfriend at the time. In the spring we hung out again during badminton season. Then yesterday he came over and I made him "lunch" (ramen and box rice haha.) Somehow we ended up making out, only for about ten seconds though. He started it! Today he took me out to lunch, and then we were back at my house. We made out, among other things. After like three hours, we got to third base, but I didn't reciprocate.
I was feeling weird about it the whole time, and he could tell. It wasn't that I was comparing him to D or anything. It was more like I couldn't help being reminded of him. I feel a little bit guilty about it all happening so quick, even after the stuff with D happened. It's not like we are boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. Yet, I also wonder what's wrong with letting things like this happen. I didn't ask for it, it took some convincing, and I didn't reciprocate. I think what I really need to do is let the schema of skankiness go. I'm worried about what people would think, I'm worried that I will hate myself later. Why should I care though? Should it really matter that we are probably not going to officially go together, seeing as he is going to college and such?
I'm starting to see that a casual hookup is little different from masturbation, it's just a release of physical tensions. Not that this was a casual hookup, but I suppose it was something close. What I really really want to do is free my sexuality from D. This is my sexuality, and it should not forever be infused with ideas of D. I don't expect TO to bring me my next hurricane of a relationship, but what I do hope for is to get a little piece of myself back.
-T.
7.31.2011
The Derm.
I finally went to the dermatologist. This is after probably over a year of begging my parents, so that I didn't want to blog about it until after it happened. I read online that for many it's a very emotional experience, so I made sure to wear waterproof mascara. I was a little frightened, because for some it was so bad that they never went back after the first appointment. That sounds really dumb to me, because no matter how humiliating it is, serious acne can't be any better. They're professionals, and there to help you anyway.
I went to the appointment without any foundation. This was probably the first time I have gone out in public without foundation since 8th grade, so like three or four years. I filled out paperwork for a bit, and waited for my name to be called. I expected the dermatologist to be a middle-aged woman for some reason, but it was some guy who seemed like he must be older than he looked. He looked like a plastic surgeon from the zip code 90210, but nope, just a dermatologist.
He asked me what I was there for. I was a bit taken aback, because first of all, it was written all over my face, literally. Secondly, I wrote it on the damn paperwork. Of course it must have been a formality, but it was unnerving. He began to explain to me about sebum clogging pores blah blah all of which I already knew. He pointed out the different types of acne on my face. That was the most uncomfortable part, him pointing to my face with a stick while I looked in the mirror. He finally put to rest my parents' assertions that I need to stop eating spicy food in order to get better. He put to rest my worries about dairy. Food has not been proven to have any effect on acne, and it is likely that it has no effect.
I didn't need him for any medical information, I was well-versed with the help of google acne research. The only thing I needed him for was the medication. I thought he was supposed to ask me more questions, according to my research. It seemed like he just sort of looked at my face and within five to ten minutes he gave me prescriptions and was out the door.
One of them is Monodox, an antibiotic that is going to combat any infections and kill bacteria. It's a pill that I take twice a day. I was really worried about the cost of the prescriptions, but it is $10 for a month's supply. The other is Tazorac, a topical retinoid. I put it on once a day, at night. I doubted that it would dry out my skin, since nothing does, and it didn't seem to dry anything out for the first few days. I put on an extra dose, and that may have been a bad idea because now my skin feels tight and it's peeling but at least that means it's working, and dryness is a feeling I haven't had in a long time. It all is supposed to show results in four weeks. I wish it were faster, but I can already see improvement in my skin. I'm not breaking out like crazy every day now. So far I've gotten a small infection every other day, which is very much an improvement to my usual three or more large ones a day. I hope the side effects go away soon, as my antibiotics make me feel nauseous also. At least that means I eat less though.
The dermatologist is a glimmer of hope in my rut of despair about my skin.
-T.
I went to the appointment without any foundation. This was probably the first time I have gone out in public without foundation since 8th grade, so like three or four years. I filled out paperwork for a bit, and waited for my name to be called. I expected the dermatologist to be a middle-aged woman for some reason, but it was some guy who seemed like he must be older than he looked. He looked like a plastic surgeon from the zip code 90210, but nope, just a dermatologist.
He asked me what I was there for. I was a bit taken aback, because first of all, it was written all over my face, literally. Secondly, I wrote it on the damn paperwork. Of course it must have been a formality, but it was unnerving. He began to explain to me about sebum clogging pores blah blah all of which I already knew. He pointed out the different types of acne on my face. That was the most uncomfortable part, him pointing to my face with a stick while I looked in the mirror. He finally put to rest my parents' assertions that I need to stop eating spicy food in order to get better. He put to rest my worries about dairy. Food has not been proven to have any effect on acne, and it is likely that it has no effect.
I didn't need him for any medical information, I was well-versed with the help of google acne research. The only thing I needed him for was the medication. I thought he was supposed to ask me more questions, according to my research. It seemed like he just sort of looked at my face and within five to ten minutes he gave me prescriptions and was out the door.
One of them is Monodox, an antibiotic that is going to combat any infections and kill bacteria. It's a pill that I take twice a day. I was really worried about the cost of the prescriptions, but it is $10 for a month's supply. The other is Tazorac, a topical retinoid. I put it on once a day, at night. I doubted that it would dry out my skin, since nothing does, and it didn't seem to dry anything out for the first few days. I put on an extra dose, and that may have been a bad idea because now my skin feels tight and it's peeling but at least that means it's working, and dryness is a feeling I haven't had in a long time. It all is supposed to show results in four weeks. I wish it were faster, but I can already see improvement in my skin. I'm not breaking out like crazy every day now. So far I've gotten a small infection every other day, which is very much an improvement to my usual three or more large ones a day. I hope the side effects go away soon, as my antibiotics make me feel nauseous also. At least that means I eat less though.
The dermatologist is a glimmer of hope in my rut of despair about my skin.
-T.
7.27.2011
...And I'm Back.
I thought I'd be glad to come home and finally relax, and I am. China was work work work, but at least everything was scheduled out and I just had to do it. Doing it wasn't hard or anything, but that structure was nice. It forced me to act.
The moment I get home I feel this fog enveloping my chest. Now I can finally hang out with all those people I promised I'd hang out with. Now I don't have anymore excuses. I think about making plans and writing college essays and actually doing things, and I panic. Also, the first thing I did after I had access to Facebook again was stalk BD's profile. It's not painful to think of him or stalk him anymore. Okay, maybe just a tiny bit. But that's only because I want to be a part of his life again. It used to be that every other picture of him was with me. Once again, I'm watching everyone make plans, take photos, and live their lives without me. It's how I've always lived, but after being one of the most active, most responsible, and - perhaps this is just me being ultra-cocky - most well-liked members of the volunteer group, I feel left out.
I think I deserve to be able to have fun. Actually, I know I deserve it. I want to experience it all, but I'm also afraid. My inaction is crippling. I fear that China was only a temporary distraction from a fixed problem. I hope not. Perhaps it's just that it's 5AM. Things will look better later. They always look better later.
-T.
The moment I get home I feel this fog enveloping my chest. Now I can finally hang out with all those people I promised I'd hang out with. Now I don't have anymore excuses. I think about making plans and writing college essays and actually doing things, and I panic. Also, the first thing I did after I had access to Facebook again was stalk BD's profile. It's not painful to think of him or stalk him anymore. Okay, maybe just a tiny bit. But that's only because I want to be a part of his life again. It used to be that every other picture of him was with me. Once again, I'm watching everyone make plans, take photos, and live their lives without me. It's how I've always lived, but after being one of the most active, most responsible, and - perhaps this is just me being ultra-cocky - most well-liked members of the volunteer group, I feel left out.
I think I deserve to be able to have fun. Actually, I know I deserve it. I want to experience it all, but I'm also afraid. My inaction is crippling. I fear that China was only a temporary distraction from a fixed problem. I hope not. Perhaps it's just that it's 5AM. Things will look better later. They always look better later.
-T.
I'm Back.
As you may or may not have guessed, blogger was not accessible in China, unfortunately. My flight left Shanghai at 4:10PM and arrived at 4:35PM. That time difference is kind of mind boggling and cool.
Teaching in Chengdu was a lot of work, but it really paid off. I knew it would be an amazing experience, but I just didn't know how much. I really bonded with so many random people. I just seriously love people. Shopping in China was nice too.
I've decided that from now on I really want to try as many things as possible. That's a tall order for Miss Super Introvert Who Doesn't Hang Out With People. There's such a big difference between reading about something and actually experiencing it.
-T.
Teaching in Chengdu was a lot of work, but it really paid off. I knew it would be an amazing experience, but I just didn't know how much. I really bonded with so many random people. I just seriously love people. Shopping in China was nice too.
I've decided that from now on I really want to try as many things as possible. That's a tall order for Miss Super Introvert Who Doesn't Hang Out With People. There's such a big difference between reading about something and actually experiencing it.
-T.
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