I thought I'd be glad to come home and finally relax, and I am. China was work work work, but at least everything was scheduled out and I just had to do it. Doing it wasn't hard or anything, but that structure was nice. It forced me to act.
The moment I get home I feel this fog enveloping my chest. Now I can finally hang out with all those people I promised I'd hang out with. Now I don't have anymore excuses. I think about making plans and writing college essays and actually doing things, and I panic. Also, the first thing I did after I had access to Facebook again was stalk BD's profile. It's not painful to think of him or stalk him anymore. Okay, maybe just a tiny bit. But that's only because I want to be a part of his life again. It used to be that every other picture of him was with me. Once again, I'm watching everyone make plans, take photos, and live their lives without me. It's how I've always lived, but after being one of the most active, most responsible, and - perhaps this is just me being ultra-cocky - most well-liked members of the volunteer group, I feel left out.
I think I deserve to be able to have fun. Actually, I know I deserve it. I want to experience it all, but I'm also afraid. My inaction is crippling. I fear that China was only a temporary distraction from a fixed problem. I hope not. Perhaps it's just that it's 5AM. Things will look better later. They always look better later.