I always wonder about the people who say they want to be writers, but they don't write particularly well. Maybe they like to write, but whatever they write isn't particularly interesting or profound or novel. Some don't even seem to have any particular intrinsic motivation to write, other than to vent their own feelings and complain about things. Even that gets old after a while. Before you go, what the heck, you hypocrite, keep in mind that I have no intentions on being a writer. I write for myself, and that's that.
Lots of people think they have good ideas. Nine out of ten people think they have good ideas. Most of them aren't really special. When I was in middle school, I thought that when I was older I should write a book about my life story, because it was so angsty. Now I look back on myself and want to laugh to death. My life isn't really interesting or even super-painful. It's so average. I have nothing to bring to the table.
If you really want to be a writer, start practicing. Stop thinking your diary entries are legitimate writing samples. Read the newspaper, read all the great classics. If you think As I Lay Dying and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and 1984 and Shakespeare are incomprehensible, stupid, and/or pointless, then you should find another path for your life. Look around you. Read everything. Form your own opinions and creative path. Write about that old person eating alone at McDonald's. Write about the sidewalk. Write about politics. Write about nothingness. Write a real story.
Writing about yourself won't really get you anywhere. You're going to need some real talent, and some people just don't have it in them. Try to objectively identify whether or not you have it. Nobody really wants to read things about your life, unless you do something historically relevant first. People want to read about things that are relevant in their own lives. That's why beauty blogging is such a huge industry. It's largely vapid and redundant, but everybody is on a quest for beauty. It's also why the news articles and soap operas and health articles are popular. It's also why sex sells. Write about something you are passionate about, and then connect it to everyone.
-T.
5.29.2011
5.26.2011
amazing.
In the romantic atmosphere of fin de siècle Europe the girl’s face became an ideal of feminine beauty. The protagonist of Rainer Maria Rilke’s 1910 novel The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge writes, “The mouleur, whose shop I pass every day, has hung two plaster masks beside his door. [One is] the face of the young drowned woman, which they took a cast of in the morgue, because it was beautiful, because it smiled, because it smiled so deceptively, as if it knew.”
Ironically, in 1958 the anonymous girl’s features were used to model the first-aid mannequin Rescue Annie, on which thousands of students have practiced CPR. Though the girl’s identity remains a mystery, her face, it’s said, has become “the most kissed face of all time.”"
[http://www.futilitycloset.com/]
5.25.2011
the real breakup.
Something happened inside me today. I don't know if it will last.
These past few weeks reconnecting with D has really been comforting me. At first it was just about that. Then it became about seeing if we could get back together. Then it became about me trying to get him to like me again. Today something changed in me.
----------------------------
T: I was just sort of hoping that there would be something to make you learn from your mistakes. (talking about his slacker-ness and not doing his work on time or properly)
D: LOL no, one time I got caught plagiarizing a complete paper, and I didn't get a zero or anything!!
T: .....WHAT. THAT'S HORRIBLE.
D: I have no respect for writers. They just make money off of just writing.
T: .............Writing well takes a lot of skill and work and talent.
D: I doubt that.
T: [speechless. dying inside.]
-----------------------------
And there it is. That was the moment today when I finally realized that our differences are irreconcilable. I've always tried to fix him. I've tried to show him another side to humanity. I've tried to show him the beauty in art. I've tried to show him a deeper meaning to life. I've tried to get him in touch with ephemeral emotions. I've finally realized that I can't show him these things. Like I have, he has to find these things for himself, within himself. I hope that one day he will find these things. I try tell him all the time what he means to me. I was crying in his car today. Not because I was sad, but because I was so overwhelmed with emotion. All of the seniors graduating, and here's D and me just like old times, but something so different inside of me. I still aim for us to keep on being best friends, though by best friends I don't mean good matches or people who understand each other totally. For us, I mean people who have been through a lot together. People who have really shaped each other. Me especially. I have changed so much, and it is for the better. He laughed at me while I cried. It's not as mean as it sounds. He says he understood, but it was like someone laughing when he is uncomfortable or doesn't know what to do. He is just a boy. He is older than me, but he understands so little. It's not his fault, and he will come to realize what I am doing, what I have done, and what I have become. I often wonder if some people come to appreciate these things. I hope he will. I think he will.
I've cried a lot today. I can't say it's out of sadness. That's not the right word. Maybe this is what people mean when they cry out of joy. I don't think they really mean joy though. These tears mean unexplainable beauty, which is a whole mix of terrifying and wonderful emotions. I think for once, just maybe, I am really truly at peace with the fact that D and I have irreconcilable differences. The differences don't conflict with the fact that he can be changed. The differences don't conflict with the fact that he is not a bad person. The differences do not make me want to change things. We are going to be wonderful friends. I can just tell.
-T.
These past few weeks reconnecting with D has really been comforting me. At first it was just about that. Then it became about seeing if we could get back together. Then it became about me trying to get him to like me again. Today something changed in me.
----------------------------
T: I was just sort of hoping that there would be something to make you learn from your mistakes. (talking about his slacker-ness and not doing his work on time or properly)
D: LOL no, one time I got caught plagiarizing a complete paper, and I didn't get a zero or anything!!
T: .....WHAT. THAT'S HORRIBLE.
D: I have no respect for writers. They just make money off of just writing.
T: .............Writing well takes a lot of skill and work and talent.
D: I doubt that.
T: [speechless. dying inside.]
-----------------------------
And there it is. That was the moment today when I finally realized that our differences are irreconcilable. I've always tried to fix him. I've tried to show him another side to humanity. I've tried to show him the beauty in art. I've tried to show him a deeper meaning to life. I've tried to get him in touch with ephemeral emotions. I've finally realized that I can't show him these things. Like I have, he has to find these things for himself, within himself. I hope that one day he will find these things. I try tell him all the time what he means to me. I was crying in his car today. Not because I was sad, but because I was so overwhelmed with emotion. All of the seniors graduating, and here's D and me just like old times, but something so different inside of me. I still aim for us to keep on being best friends, though by best friends I don't mean good matches or people who understand each other totally. For us, I mean people who have been through a lot together. People who have really shaped each other. Me especially. I have changed so much, and it is for the better. He laughed at me while I cried. It's not as mean as it sounds. He says he understood, but it was like someone laughing when he is uncomfortable or doesn't know what to do. He is just a boy. He is older than me, but he understands so little. It's not his fault, and he will come to realize what I am doing, what I have done, and what I have become. I often wonder if some people come to appreciate these things. I hope he will. I think he will.
I've cried a lot today. I can't say it's out of sadness. That's not the right word. Maybe this is what people mean when they cry out of joy. I don't think they really mean joy though. These tears mean unexplainable beauty, which is a whole mix of terrifying and wonderful emotions. I think for once, just maybe, I am really truly at peace with the fact that D and I have irreconcilable differences. The differences don't conflict with the fact that he can be changed. The differences don't conflict with the fact that he is not a bad person. The differences do not make me want to change things. We are going to be wonderful friends. I can just tell.
-T.
5.24.2011
byeeee :[
I wrote my favorite seniors some lengthy letters, since tomorrow is their last day of school. I just want to let them know that they will be missed and that they really impacted my life. I am so proud of all of them and I care about them so much. This afternoon I was writing them and I just ended up bawling while listening to some quality crying songs.
It's so strange to see that the potentiality of losing a friendship, just because of someone moving onto a new stage of life or going far away or whatever reason, really makes me realize the value of that friendship. Before, I really thought that there were only a handful of people I really appreciated fully. Yet, I must have written ten letters or so! After one person read his, he came up to me and told me it was so sweet and so nice of me and gave me a hug. I almost started to cry right then and there. They're not even leaving yet, imagine how it will be tomorrow. I must arm myself with the waterproof mascara!
This reminds me yet again that life moves so quickly. There were so many people I needed to have more time with. There was so much unfinished business. There were also so many seniors that I meant to talk to and get to know but I never took the chance too. I guess that's what those letter were for. I couldn't leave anything unsaid. I couldn't have them leave without them knowing what they mean to me, and to make sure they keep in touch with me. Everything we've been through together has really shaped me as a person.
Once again, words are not enough to describe my mixed feelings of gratitude, regret, appreciation, nostalgia, joy, attachment, and so much more. So many people have touched my life, there is no way for me to show enough how I appreciate that.
THANK YOU: LE, SC, D, KA, TT, ZJ, SJ, AJ, XK, RA, ZV, WA, & countless others!!
-T.
It's so strange to see that the potentiality of losing a friendship, just because of someone moving onto a new stage of life or going far away or whatever reason, really makes me realize the value of that friendship. Before, I really thought that there were only a handful of people I really appreciated fully. Yet, I must have written ten letters or so! After one person read his, he came up to me and told me it was so sweet and so nice of me and gave me a hug. I almost started to cry right then and there. They're not even leaving yet, imagine how it will be tomorrow. I must arm myself with the waterproof mascara!
This reminds me yet again that life moves so quickly. There were so many people I needed to have more time with. There was so much unfinished business. There were also so many seniors that I meant to talk to and get to know but I never took the chance too. I guess that's what those letter were for. I couldn't leave anything unsaid. I couldn't have them leave without them knowing what they mean to me, and to make sure they keep in touch with me. Everything we've been through together has really shaped me as a person.
Once again, words are not enough to describe my mixed feelings of gratitude, regret, appreciation, nostalgia, joy, attachment, and so much more. So many people have touched my life, there is no way for me to show enough how I appreciate that.
THANK YOU: LE, SC, D, KA, TT, ZJ, SJ, AJ, XK, RA, ZV, WA, & countless others!!
-T.
5.23.2011
sickie.
Hey sorry I haven't been posting at all recently, though I'm not sure that anyone really cares. I've had a plethora of activities, namely choir concerts, prom, and then deathly illness. I'll come back to prom later, I haven't quite sorted out my feelings on it yet.
Anyway, I woke up around noon Sunday feeling a bit queasy. My mom yelled at me telling me I needed to leave for Chinese school in half an hour. I begrudgingly began to get ready. Whilst doing so, I ended up throwing up for 5 minutes straight. My mom still made me go though. I got there and just sat in the cafeteria delirious and not doing anything for two hours. I called my mom to tell her to come pick me up because I was feeling pretty bad. She yells at me on the phone for a few more minutes. All these kids around me yelling and annoying Asians chatting all swirling around my head. An hour later and my mom has just left the house. I get up and make my way to the bathroom. Too late I guess, because a few seconds later I retch all over the cafeteria. I retch and retch and retch. Asian ladies around me tweaking out, and little kids screaming and yelling. It was quite a spectacle.
My mom came for me eventually. I mentioned to her that she was a bit late, seeing as I had already thrown up everywhere. She yelled at me a lot then, saying that I was so selfish for expecting her to come pick me up right away, and then if she had picked me up earlier I would have just thrown up in her car anyway, gosh not the car. I spent the rest of the day simultaneously starving, trying to eat, feeling nauseous, then throwing up. I sweated my sheets through and through and just rolled around in my bed moaning. My parents thought for a while that I was hungover or something, since it was the day after prom. They are going to find some way to penalize me for this, like probably not let me go to prom next year.
Yes, they will definitely never get off my ass about this, especially since I stayed home from school today. I figured I wouldn't miss anything, since it's Senior Ditch Day and half of the junior class is gone on a field trip anyway. My mom took this opportunity to lecture me about how I'm going to kill my grades by missing school all the time and I must have done this on purpose and planned to miss school and I'm going to start ditching school all the time. Seriously mom STOP. I have not missed a single day of school since seventh fucking grade. I have never even skipped choir class, and that's something that I think very few others in the class can say. I wonder if she will ever realize that I can handle myself, and that I have everything under control. I have never failed myself before, and she just needs to shut up because she stresses me out and kills my self-esteem. Even while I was writhing on my bed and lethargic and throwing up she never said a single caring word. Maybe she does care, but she sure as hell doesn't even try to show it.
-T.
Anyway, I woke up around noon Sunday feeling a bit queasy. My mom yelled at me telling me I needed to leave for Chinese school in half an hour. I begrudgingly began to get ready. Whilst doing so, I ended up throwing up for 5 minutes straight. My mom still made me go though. I got there and just sat in the cafeteria delirious and not doing anything for two hours. I called my mom to tell her to come pick me up because I was feeling pretty bad. She yells at me on the phone for a few more minutes. All these kids around me yelling and annoying Asians chatting all swirling around my head. An hour later and my mom has just left the house. I get up and make my way to the bathroom. Too late I guess, because a few seconds later I retch all over the cafeteria. I retch and retch and retch. Asian ladies around me tweaking out, and little kids screaming and yelling. It was quite a spectacle.
My mom came for me eventually. I mentioned to her that she was a bit late, seeing as I had already thrown up everywhere. She yelled at me a lot then, saying that I was so selfish for expecting her to come pick me up right away, and then if she had picked me up earlier I would have just thrown up in her car anyway, gosh not the car. I spent the rest of the day simultaneously starving, trying to eat, feeling nauseous, then throwing up. I sweated my sheets through and through and just rolled around in my bed moaning. My parents thought for a while that I was hungover or something, since it was the day after prom. They are going to find some way to penalize me for this, like probably not let me go to prom next year.
Yes, they will definitely never get off my ass about this, especially since I stayed home from school today. I figured I wouldn't miss anything, since it's Senior Ditch Day and half of the junior class is gone on a field trip anyway. My mom took this opportunity to lecture me about how I'm going to kill my grades by missing school all the time and I must have done this on purpose and planned to miss school and I'm going to start ditching school all the time. Seriously mom STOP. I have not missed a single day of school since seventh fucking grade. I have never even skipped choir class, and that's something that I think very few others in the class can say. I wonder if she will ever realize that I can handle myself, and that I have everything under control. I have never failed myself before, and she just needs to shut up because she stresses me out and kills my self-esteem. Even while I was writhing on my bed and lethargic and throwing up she never said a single caring word. Maybe she does care, but she sure as hell doesn't even try to show it.
-T.
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