I don't smoke cigarettes

I know that they are bad and stupid and not cool. They cause cancer without even giving you a high. They taste shitty and leave a clinging sour smell. They are a big fat waste of money. At the same time, the smoke curling up, resting inside you and then leaving your body is so beautiful and satisfying. Even the constriction of my blood vessels and the burning in my throat that indicate the damage done mean nothing and everything. I am destroying my body from the inside. It feels powerful and ridiculous. It's ephemeral and meaningless, two things that I'll love about anything.